Not More Than We Can Handle?
Tamara K. Anderson shares an audio chapter from her book, Normal for Me, which addresses the question: Does God give us more than we can handle?
In today's episode Tamara shares:
How she felt God has given her more than she could handle and how that phrase should be changed.
What it felt like to be a "Zombie Mom"
A powerful lesson about angels
An humorous example of what 2 hours of my life looked like during my "survival mode"
Several journal entries
Stories of our escape artist, Jacob
Read or Listen to Normal for Me
If you like what you hear today, you can order a copy of Tamara's book, Normal for Me, on Amazon or on her website. You can also listen to her audiobook on audible or wherever audiobooks can be found.
Transcript of the Podcast
0:04
Here's a question for you to think about: Does God give us more than we can handle? In the easy times, it's simple to answer that question. But in the hard times, well, it's a little more tricky. Today, I'm going to share with you a chapter from my book, Normal for Me, which discusses this very principle and share some serious and some funny stories from my life. Stay tuned.
0:37
Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.
1:02
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Tamara's Takeaways on the Stories of Hope in Hard Times podcast. Can you believe we have reached the end of 2020? Oh, my goodness, I feel like it has been a long year in many regards. And yet, I also feel that it has flown by in other ways.
1:24
So here we are, we just had Christmas, I hope you had a Merry Christmas. As one of my belated Christmas gifts to you, I would love to give you an audio chapter of my book, Normal for Me. And the chapter I'm going to share with you today is one that I feel is so appropriate for this year 2020, because we have had quite a year where we feel God has given us more than we can handle. It's been a really crazy year. So many things have changed. And we've had to pivot several times.
2:01
And so today, this chapter seems even more applicable than it did when I wrote it. So enjoy this chapter, you're going to hear the story of how I came to terms with the phrase that is so common in the south, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Enjoy.
2:21
Chapter 5, Not More Than We Can Handle?
2:26
I have loved living in the south for much of my married life. The people there are warm and friendly and willing to openly talk about God challenges they are currently facing and life in general. While living in the south, this scene replayed many times in my life. I would be chatting with a friend and my children with autism would come up by the end of the conversation they would comment. Just remember, God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
One day as I thought about the statement, and it occurred to me, oh yes, he does give us more than we can handle because I'm not handling life very well right now. I felt overwhelmed. Again.
As I sat there thinking about God not giving us more than we can handle. I realized this statement is not entirely true. Of course, he gives us more than we can handle. I believe we are here on earth to learn and be proven as he told the Israelites, and to see where we will turn in times of trial.
Zombie Mom
Have you ever gone through a day like a zombie because you didn't get enough sleep? You feel empty inside and your brain power is at about 20% of its normal capacity. Now, imagine doing this every single day for several years. Welcome to autism world. Zombie mom equals a mom who can't handle much, but she must. God, it's me again. I am so exhausted and I can't think straight helped me survive this day.
I don't know why kiddos on the autism spectrum don't sleep well. That is a common pattern for these children. I have come to the belief it is hard for them to calm their brains enough to go to sleep. And on top of that any little things seems to disturb their sleep, the weather, the fullness of the moon or even their diets. I know you think I am crazy. But ask any special ed teacher or the parents of children on the spectrum about how the barometer and phases of the moon affect their children and I am sure you will get an earful.
4:44
These kids are more sensitive to even things we don't perceive. So little things affect them. My journals are so full of week after week of lack of sleep for so many years. There's no way I would include all of them. Here's just a small sample.
Tamara’s Journals
September 5, 2001. Good day, except the kids got up at 4:30am January 26 2002. I've been tired today. I slept in until 8:30 because Justin got up with the kids at 5am. I have gotten up early all this week with the kids and I guess my body was just exhausted.
October 27, 2003 Jacob is teething and was up for about three hours before we finally got him a dose of Motrin. Then Nathan woke up then Jordan, and it was 4:15am needless to say, Justin and I have been tired today.
May 22, 2004. I got to sleep in until 7am because Justin got up with the kids today. And early birthday present. It was so nice. Jacob woke up at 4am.
July 2, 2004, Jacob was up at 3:30am with a wet diaper which had soaked through. He did go back to sleep but Jordan was up at 5:15 I've been tired and feeling a little block today. Overall, it was a good day Justin took half the day off and we both got a nap. We've not had good sleep this week early Wake Up Calls by the boys every day.
July 6, 2004 Jordan slept in until 7:38 this morning. I know it is quite a shock any Anderson boy could sleep in that late. Wow. Don't worry. The other two were up at 5am just to ensure mom and dad couldn't sleep in.
July 22, 2004. Nathan slept in until 7:30 this morning. I can't even remember the last time he slept in late.
August 6, 2004. (Eight months pregnant.) Sometimes I don't write in my journal because I am so exhausted at night and I feel I can hardly think and remember what happened that day. This afternoon I was dragging even after a rest.
September 27, 2004. Justin left this afternoon to go to Kansas City for some sales training. It was a hard night with Noel last night. I hope she does better tonight. Justin will be glad to sleep through the night in a hotel room. Poor guy.
February 26, 2006. Yesterday we flew to Houston after three hours sleep since Jacob woke up around 3am.
March 15, 2006 Busy day the kids woke up around 5am.
Not more than I can handle? Absolutely. I was completely zombified with exhaustion.
7:53 Justin
Don't tell anyone. But if there was a legal tranquilizer dart gun for kids I would have bought one years ago. I've also imagined using the special move that Spock does to people on Star Trek called the Vulcan nerve pinch where with one squeeze on the shoulder they drop into unconsciousness. How sweet would that he? Unfortunately, both were fictional solutions to our sleep deprived problems.
8:22 Tamara
I have stumbled upon the scripture about the idea of not giving us more than we can handle. It is found in First Corinthians chapter 10, verse 13. But God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you're able. The word tempt Here comes from the Greek word peirazo, which means “to test, tempt.”
From what I understand God doesn't tempt us. That is the devil's role. God does try us or test us though, to prove our character. So this verse would be more accurately translated from the Greek if it is read. But God is faithful who will not suffer you to be tested above that ye are able.
Can you imagine going to school and taking the exact same test for an entire school year? Boring? Where's the growth or the learning they're the same applies to life. I believe we are here to have our characters and our very natures proven. So life won't be easy or normal. Sometimes it will be hard, difficult, sleep deprived and soul wrenching. But just as the pendulum swings back and forth, there will be times of joy, happiness and hopefully a lot of fun.
I love the statement from Job chapter 23 verse 10. When he has tried me I shall come forth as gold. Wow, isn't that awesome? What a promise. Job was tried and tested and tempted and he did come forth as gold.
Let me tell you when I was exhausted, I would have laughed at the Scripture and I would have told God, I'm good being silver instead of gold, if it means I get more sleep. So going back to what we can handle, I think the phrase needs to be changed to say, He doesn't give us more than we can handle with his help.
Basically, he doesn't give us more than he can handle. The question is, do we turn to him for help in our trials?
“But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tested above that you're able. But will with the test also make a way to escape that he may be able to bear it.” This verse explains God is faithful and will help us escape or bear our tests. It doesn't say he will always help us escape them or make them go away. Although this might happen sometimes. Other times he strengthens us to bear the tests and trials heaped upon us. Another verse I love is found in Philippians, chapter four, verse 13, “I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me.” This is my mantra.
One night Nathan was up around 2am and Justin and I didn't sleep well because we were taking care of him. The problem was, he didn't come down as he usually did. It was awful. He screamed and screamed and wouldn't be consoled. I don't know why. Justin and I rotated in and out of the room.
Tag, you're it. I can't take it anymore.
Finally, I set to pleading to God with sobs. Mind you, I've been praying all night, but after so many hours, you reach a point of desperation.
God, we have tried everything. And nothing is working tonight. I don't know what to pray for. But we need help. We need angels. I suddenly remembered learning I needed to pray specifically for what I need. And so I began, please send Nathan's grandpa Anderson, great grandma and grandpa Klein. And I went on and on listing my grandparents, great grandparents on both sides and every deceased ancestor I could think of begging and pleading that They would come and help me under and help calm Nathan.
It ended up being one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I never saw the angels, but I felt them. There was a piece in that room which finally calmed Nathan. I know skeptics might criticize, but I will tell you I have no doubt. There were angels in that room with Nathan and me.
13:08
God turned my nightmare into one of the most peaceful events of my life. I felt loved by so many of my ancestors who have passed on. I knew I wasn't alone. God and His angels were there beside me on one of the darkest nights of my life.
13:27 Justin
This works. If you're on God's path and have faith to call angels for help, they will come. I remember when Tamara had this experience. It hadn't dawned on me to try this. But when she prayed, I felt a calming presence come to help us. It was very real. And it seemed to speak to Nathan's heart in a way that I couldn't understand.
We have called on angels to help us since then, and taught our children to do the same. There are many accounts in the scriptures of angels providing comfort. But the one I like most is from the New Testament when Jesus was suffering for the sins of the world and prays for help. “Father, if you are willing to take this cup from me, yet, not my will, but yours be done. Then an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthen him.”
14:22 Tamara
As with most people, some of my days are better than others. But at those moments when my patience wears thin, and when I feel I will completely fall into the loony bin. I have found by saying one of those silent, pleading prayers of desperation. I somehow get through the day much better. Those are the times when God sends His heavenly angels to comfort, calm and help when we cannot do it on our own. I've had it happen too many times to deny God answers my desperate pleas for patience and peace in times of stress.
In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus Christ taught, “ask, and it shall be given you seek, and you shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you, for every one that asketh receive it, and he that seeketh find it, and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
Survival Mode
There are times when you trudge through in survival mode for a long time and you beg and plead for God to help you make it through even with his help. The challenges you face day in and day out, are so physically and mentally taxing, that you cannot even do more than survive. It is like your war, and it is a battle to survive.
What do you do with a child that has zero fear and has autism? You pray daily that he will live to see the age of five, Jacob was my child that gave me the most gray hairs. The challenge was that Jacob was so physically active and capable of climbing, running and getting into things that he required a full time supervisor.
Jacob started walking at nine months and began running soon thereafter, he was determined to keep up with his older brothers. And he did. Jacob was later diagnosed with ADHD on top of autism. So you can only imagine how busy he was once described him in my journal as so sweet and so fun and so full of life and exploration of everything.
This is an example of two hours of one of my crazy days when Jacob was about 14 months old. Nathan was four and a half. And Jordan was age 6.
Tamara’s Journal, October 14 2003.
It was one of those evenings the kids got into everything under the sun for the hour or two before dinner. Here's my list of crises handled:
Picked up the lids and Tupperware off the kitchen floor again.
Stopped Nathan from dumping dad's gel all over the bathroom. But we lost dad's chapstick. It was smeared all over the counter.
changed a poopy diaper.
explained to Jordan that no you can't have a friend over.
tried to get tantruming Nathan to go potty before he gets the computer. That was our rule.
Changed Nathan’s sandy clothes. he'd been outside in the sandbox.
cleaned up the water Nathan had dumped on the floor. Had Jordan help get Jacob off the table again.
cleaned up the water Jacob spilled.
Tried to start dinner about 20 times with interruptions.
phone call from Justin he will be half an hour late.
Stopped Jacob from falling off my dresser
hid the phone from Jacob so he won't call Mongolia
no Jordan you can't play with Michael today.
Nathan finally comes down and goes pee and goes to play the computer while Jordan watches a video so mom can take a break.
Explain to Jordan why we don't say oh my god.
Jacob has come with me to fix dinner so he won't turn the computer off or change the channel on the TV.
Stop Jacob from climbing the oven and then standing on the oven door and padding the stove burners. (They were not on) again. again. And again.
memo to self by latch for the oven door
stopped Jacob from opening dishwasher and standing on the dishwasher door.
Stop Jacob from banging glass bowls on the cupboard
set the table and put taco shells on the table.
Picked up plate off the floor and stopped Jacob from eating broken taco shell
went back to making dinner
crash from the other room. I went in and found Jacob had fallen off the dining room chair flung a glass pumpkin across the room where it shattered on the floor.
restrained Jacob in the highchair cleaned up the glass.
Justin comes home. Yay. Save me.
Isn't that list hilarious? I'm so glad I wrote it down because I can laugh about it now. But I know that at the time I was completely frazzled by my busy boys, especially Jacob.
Having children on the autism spectrum has rung me through the embarrassment wringer many many times. My daily model was just survive.
I learned an interesting thing in survival mode. giving God a few moments in daily prayer and scripture study allowed me to tap into his grace or enabling power. This was crucial because I was not strong enough on my own to endure or bear the challenges that were heaped upon me. I needed and begged for God's grace daily.
There were many instances where I had to beg for God to strengthen me as I pass through difficult things. For example, I've had the police called on me twice. Once Nathan went over to a neighbor's house and walked right in. You see, this had been a friend's house, only they had just moved. So the new couple didn't know us or Nathan yet. They got to know us that day.
Tamara’s journal, September 30 2006.
This afternoon has been a bit taxing emotionally. Tonight, Nathan got out. He walked down to a new neighbor's house. The guy tried to get him to talk to him. But of course, Nathan doesn't exactly talk. By the time I discovered he was missing the guy had called the cops and they were they're trying to get Nathan to tell him who he was and where he belonged. To make matters worse, he was wearing only a T shirt and underwear, no pants.
Thank goodness, I spotted them and came running. One of the officers was nice. He has a developmentally disabled daughter and told me that he knew how it was. They suggested that he should get a medical bracelet so it would say who he was and where he belongs if he gets out. I honestly don't know if he would keep it on. I've been worried and prayerful all night. What if it happens again? I just feel depleted, frustrated and stressed. How am I supposed to take care of my children? I feel like I've made my home a fortress, it is hard to escape. But somehow they still manage to escape here and there.
The other time the police were called it was for Jacob. Jacob was much more of an escape artist. We had double locks on our front door plus a little alarm. He would usually escape out the back door hop the six foot wooden fence, something he started doing when he was three years old and run off to explore
22:24
Tamara’s letter to a family member May 10, 2006
Jacob, well, he is just my little tornado. One of the funny things he does is he goes out to the garage and climbs onto Justin's big workout machine and then he hangs on it with his feet dangling and says monkey. I laugh because he is my monkey. He keeps climbing the fence too. So I have become paranoid parent every time he goes outside. On Sunday, he jumped the fence. Even though I kept telling him to get down. He wouldn't come to me even though I kept calling him. So I jumped the fence to just try to imagine that if you will Tamara scaling and falling off a six foot fence. I kept thinking, I'm going to kill my knees by dropping this far. Well, I caught him and we survived.
I did everything in my power to keep him safe. I prayed to God daily that we would keep up with Jacob and that he would give me the wisdom to know how to do this. When Jacob used the horizontal wooden posts on the fence to help him climb, we invested in more planks and ensure that only vertical slats faced our yard. Then he used the little red and yellow car to boost him over the fence. So that disappeared. Then he would stack our sand toys on top of each other to boost him over the fence. So those disappeared as well. Ah. Then he would stick his fingers in the little vertical gaps between boards to Spider Man crawl his way to the top of the fence.
Come on seriously! How do I keep this kid safe when he is determined to run? Dear God, help me keep Jacob safe today, continued to be my daily plea for help.
Tamara’s letter to a family member June 20 2007
Jacob ah. What can you say Houdini, Jacob has managed to keep learning new ways to escape from our backyard. I don't think I can count the number of times in this past month that a neighbor has brought him to the door or we have had one of those. “Oh no, Where is Jacob?” moments.
Justin's dad lovingly helped us build another blockade to try to keep him in but Jacob seems to keep a step ahead of us. I think I need to confiscate all the bikes and big wheels in the backyard that he is using to propel himself over the fence.
Usually when Jacob escaped he ended up At what he called 604, where some good friends lived, he would just waltz right into their home like he owned the place. Our poor neighbors, no privacy. Thank goodness, they were kind neighbors and I would normally get a call that sounded something like this, “Tamara, I don't want you to be worried but Jacob is down here. He's more than welcome to stay.” I would run out the door to go and get him. But there was one time that he got out and 604 was locked. And he spotted something very tempting at another house through a gap in the fence, a pool.
So how do you problem solve getting over their six foot fence? Well, Jacob went back up the street, Removed the two foot cylindrical cover off the electrical panel that they have in the front yard, and hauled it over to the fence to boost himself over.
Can you imagine this neighbor's heart attack when she looked out her patio window while home for lunch and saw Jacob standing at the edge of her pool? That produced another panic call and visit by the police. Ah, these kiddos are going to turn me into a criminal! Survival.
I was doing everything I could to keep them safe and happy. I happened to have both a babysitter and I watching the kids that day. But Jacob was simply our sneaky escape artist and I had other children that needed my attention.
Can you imagine my prayers after that night? Dear God, please help Jacob help him begin to develop some sliver of awareness of danger. God did continue to bless me with ideas to help.
26:50 Justin
These are very serious situations and super scary. But I'd like to tell you one of my all time favorite stories about the double escape Nathan and Jacob did. One Sunday we had gotten a decent night's sleep and we were waking up naturally around 6am this was a sweet moment where the sun was starting to shine and I could hear the birds chirping so clearly, too clearly. Why can I hear them so clearly? Then it hit me. The front door was open.
I sprang up to investigate and confirm the door was open which meant someone was outside. I ran outside in my pajamas and spotted Jacob playing in the street gutters down at 604. There was still a bit of sprinkler water there and he was having a ball splashing in it. So I strolled down the sidewalk to get him having a little chuckle with myself at the fun happening so early in the morning. When I got to 604’s his mailbox to get Jacob I saw something out of my peripheral vision that made me do a double take. It seemed to me that 604’s front door was wide open.
I guessed that Jacob had opened their door, so I went to close the door. That's when I did a major double take. Inside the living room was my other son Nathan. He was enjoying a stroll on their elliptical, butt naked! I shot through the door, grabbed Nathan. I might even put my hands on his mouth so we could avoid any noises and hauled him out of there. I took each son by the hand and walk them back home laughing the whole way. I don't even think I acted mad or upset with them. This was Anderson lore in the making.
28:36 Tamara
I remember one particularly difficult family reunion up near Bear Lake in Idaho. Change is particularly hard with kiddos on the spectrum. They don't like to have their schedules altered. Due to the change of the vacation, they usually through more frequent tantrums, and did not sleep well. Which means you don't sleep well. And in general made everyone miserable.
We have a humorous, extended family photo that year of everyone's smiling, while Justin and I are each holding a crying and tantruming child, Jacob and Nathan. Yes, we were doing the I am only smiling on the outside smile in that picture. But it shows how awful life was at that moment. Mind you, every other child in the photo works just fine. This was our normal.
That same reunion Jacob escaped the house and went tearing down the hill towards that combine that was cutting and harvesting hay at the bottom of the hill. I screamed at him to stop while Justin boosted by adrenaline caught him before he reached the machinery. What the heck, running toward danger.
Dear God, help me keep my boys safe. Today and give me the strength to keep up with him.
Then there were the everyday occurrences that became dangerous. Anytime Jacob was involved. Things like getting him out of the car were dangerous. He would always unbuckle himself the second we arrived and Justin and I would have to position ourselves one at the front of the car, and one at the back of the car so that we could catch him the second he bolted from the door. He would run whichever way was open, straight toward the street. Yes, it was exhausting. And he was only one of our four children.
I personally comprehend the study that came out in 2009. That stated that when the stress levels of mothers and I will include fathers of autistic children were measured, they were comparable to combat soldiers. Can you see why? We are in the trenches every day dealing with life and death situation that often induce the stress hormone cortisol.
31:04
It screws up our hormones because producing that much adrenaline wears out our adrenal glands. Would it surprise you to find out that I've gone into adrenal fatigue at least three times since my children were diagnosed with autism. I've been battling my way back to help for many years now. It takes its toll.
I'm thankful that God helped my children, including an especially Jacob to mature, improve and grow out of many of those perilous activities.
As a teenager, Jacob now rides his bike to friends houses without supervision, and I don't have to worry about him or Nathan running away anymore. Nathan now keeps his clothes on and doesn't run naked down our street. Praise God, they outgrew that phase. I'm thankful because it was exhausting chasing them as they ran toward danger. I don't think I would ever wish survival mode on anyone. But so many people all over the world live in this mode for weeks, months and years like we did. The key is relying on God's grace and His blessings of persistence and ingenuity to get us through.
God only gives us enough grace to make it through that stressful day as we sincerely ask. Then, the next day he does the same. He helps us moment by moment. And day after day as we seek Him and plead for help during any survival mode.
God helped me endure and even survive with two young children on the autism spectrum. I learned through experience this profound truth to people can do anything if one of them is God.
I used to think not only worked doing big miracles like the parting of the Red Sea, but I have come to see, that is the little daily mercies that add up to big miracles, like surviving as zombified mommy for many years are keeping Jacob alive after he ran towards danger. I learned that a daily dose of prayer and a few moments of pondering God's word gave me strength to make it through.
I will talk about this in more depth in an upcoming chapter. These were the action part of true faith that allowed him to bless me even though I never deserved it. That is why it is called mercy or grace.
Robert Robinson, a Baptist hymn writer penned the words for come now fount of every blessing in 1758. These words seem to express how I feel about God getting me through hell and back.
Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.
I'm so grateful for God's Daily Grace, which strengthened me beyond my normal capacity, gave me wisdom beyond my own, and blessed me with angels. As I struggled through my wilderness. I learned firsthand that God doesn't give you more than you can handle with his help.
34:16
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. I know that there are many of you out there that are going through a hard time and I hope you found things that have been useful today, as you listen to the podcast. If you would like to access the show notes from today's podcast, visit my website. That is storiesofhopepodcast.com.
34:39
That is where you'll find favorite quotes from today's episode, and shareable means and those are fun because you can share them with your friends on social media. You will also find the links mentioned throughout today's episode so you don't have to remember what those were. And also all the tips that were shared. Sometimes tips are shared so much throughout an episode you forget what were those great things. So go to the shownotes storiesofhopepodcast.com to look up these fantastic resources.
35:12
You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this with them. Maybe there was a story shared or a tip that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this episode with them. May God bless you, especially if you're struggling with hope to carry on and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help bear that burden. Above all else, remember God loves you!