Lark Galley: Learning to Breathe After Suicide

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After experiencing the death of her son and father to suicide, Lark Galley had to learn to heal herself and her family. Listen as she shares her story, wit and wisdom and learns to breathe again.

I have previously had Lark on the show shortly after her son’s death. You can listen to that episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/lark-galley-everybody-matters

Lark and I had some very frank and open conversations about mental health and how to help ourselves and others since the added stress of COVID has hit us.

Episode Discussion Points

  • Shifting priorities to what matters most

  • Ideas of self-care in a stressful situation

  • How to connect with teens and young adults in your family

  • How writing helps us process life

  • Why Lark went into a deep depression after publishing her book and how her mentor Richard Paul Evans helped shift her perspective to look at the completion of the goal differently.

  • Why sharing the vulnerable parts of our lives helps others connect with us.

  • Everyone has a message to share—even as imperfect as we each are.

  • What gave Lark the courage to be vulnerable, open and willing to share her story completely even when she was so scared to do it.

  • How finding a bigger purpose sometimes helps us move through grief.

  • Key message to those struggling with suicidal ideations:

    • You are not a burden!

    • You matter! The message you have inside you matters! You can change the world by changing one person’s life. So hang in there!

    • There are so many lives you would impact traumatically if you choose to end your life early! “The impact you have is so big!”

    • Get help! Find someone to talk to about your emotions and feelings.

    • Find a reason to keep living.

Resources for Those Struggling with Suicide or Caregivers

Favorite Bible Verse

Revelation 21:4, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.”

My Favorite Quote which Lark Shared

“Relationships are the spice that give flavor to our lives.”

Lark  0:02 

A lot of times those who take their lives, they are in their right mind. They are thinking, “I'm a burden. Nobody cares. I don't matter.” You absolutely matter. If you are struggling, talk about it. Find someone there. There are people that care. I don't think for a minute that people that are saying, “I am thinking about suicide,” that they're just calling wolf. They need help, and they need to find a reason.

 

Tamara Anderson  0:42 

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.

After working in the corporate world for 25 years, my guest today left to run her father's trucking company when he passed away unexpectedly from suicide after struggling with mental illness for most of his life. Her business experience allowed her to streamline the company and nine months later she was working only one hour a week. Realizing that there were many entrepreneurs who could benefit from her experience, she started her own consulting business. Her 19-year-old son's suicide in March of 2019 reinforced what she'd been hearing from many of her high achieving clients. They felt unworthy and incapable of reaching their goals. Lark went from coaching on the externals, to focusing on why each person matters. I'm pleased to present Lark Galley. Lark, are you ready to share your story of hope?

 

Lark  2:01 

I am ready, yes.

 

Tamara Anderson  2:03 

So the cool thing about Lark is I was able to have her on the show back in 2019, just a few months after her son died by suicide. We had a very raw, open conversation then. This is kind of a follow up to that, because we see a lot of people who are struggling right now with the change that COVID-19 has brought about. Lark has also just finished writing her book, “Learning to Breathe Again: Choosing to Heal After Losing a Loved One to Suicide.” I just finished reading it yesterday. Highly, highly recommended. So we're going to talk a little bit about the process that she went through writing that book. But first, Lark, why don't you give us an update? How are you doing?

 

Lark  2:51 

After?

 

Tamara Anderson  2:52

We are a little bit, probably at least a year and a half later. How are you doing with all of this?

 

Lark  2:58 

So there's ups and downs, right? There's good days, and there's bad days. I have just learned to allow myself to show up however I need to show up that day. There have been times when I've done some speaking and I'm really strong. I show up and I’m not crying. There are other times I show up and I wasn't expecting it, and I just start to cry. I have learned that whoever shows up that day, it's okay. It's a grieving process. That's something that I've had to learn. I look back, it's almost two years since my son died. I look back to when we had our last conversation, when we did the last interview, and I think, “Wow, I have learned so much since then.” I thought I knew a lot then. Now, I'm like, “Oh, I went through a lot. I had to allow a lot and just be able to process things.” I know that in the coming years, I will learn even more.

 

Tamara Anderson  3:59 

Wow. Thank you for being on the show today again, and sharing with us some of these tips that you've learned. One of the things we were talking about before we actually started recording the show was the impact that COVID-19 has had on the emotional well-being of both parents and children. What do you think has changed?

 

Lark  4:25 

I look back in 2019 when my son died, and my husband and I pulled back from a lot of social events. We just did not have the emotional capacity to go out. We could no longer find joy in what we perceived as the trivial. You hear that a lot about people who lose a loved one and they just lose the desire to do a lot of things and it might be worth a shifting in our priorities. I think that what we experienced in 2019 with that uncertainty in our family and sort of being pulled out from underneath us and how we thought the world was going to be, the world went through that in 2020. So we sort of already had our massive shift and life changes. Life is never going to be the same. So I can sympathize with so much of what has been going on this last year, where people have had to prioritize their values, what is the most important thing. Suddenly, what we thought of being the top executive or traveling of the world, or doing all of these goals that we might have had, suddenly, things got stripped away. What was most important became very evident very quickly.

 

Tamara Anderson  5:48 

What do you think the most important things were for you and that people are realizing need to become the most important things for them to keep emotions and everything else more stable? Because I know that, as I told you, I have days where I feel more anxious, and I have to kind of do a mental checklist of, “Have I been doing my self-care as I should? Do I have boundaries set up?” What have you seen?

 

Lark  6:17 

Well, let's take it back two years ago. This is a couple months before my son's death. My main goals that year were I was going to expand my consulting business. I was working just to grow that, to grow the number of people that I was working with. I also have the trucking company from my father, I wanted to expand that. I have always been a goal driven person, like crazy goals. I wanted to do a lot of things. My husband and I had several international trips planned, and we were going to do all of these exciting things. When my son died unexpectedly from suicide, we just stepped back. Suddenly, all of those things that I thought were so important, all of these business goals, career goals that I made. My husband was almost 35 years in the military at that time, that was his part time job, but he would give some big responsibilities there, as well as his own engineering business that he's a partner in. He, too, just suddenly lost this desire to keep pushing and go to the next level. He retired later that year, that same year that my son died, from the military. He just did not have that drive anymore.

I saw my daughter, both my daughters, struggle and try to find their footing, what was important to them. I thought it was interesting to see. My older daughter in her corporate job. I thought about managers who may be going through this and seeing their employees struggling, maybe they're going through a divorce, or their child has a terminal illness, or there's been a death in the family. How do you motivate these people? Because suddenly, that carrot of you're going to get a higher position, you're going to get more money, you're going to do this, that just doesn't work. We need to look at how we interact with other people and say, “What motivates them?” Because suddenly, what was motivational was having a heart in the world. That was my motivation, is being able to help influence other people so that they would make different choices so that their families did not have to go through what our family went through.

 

Tamara Anderson  8:58 

Yeah. So your motivation changed from all those business goals to being more of a, “Let's help each other out.” Which actually, the timing on that probably couldn't have been better. People have needed so much help this last year. So what have you seen people's priorities shifting towards this last year?

 

Lark  9:21 

I think just like with us, in our family, we realized that family and what happened in your home was suddenly more important than, “Hey, I'm going to go out and achieve this big goal at work.” Suddenly, the thought that someone in your family could become sick and die, or that you might be separated, if certain family members that you can no longer see or visit or hug, it was the same for us. Fortunately, we were kind of all together. This last year, we didn't really have a lot of separation from the immediate family. But for those family members who maybe had parents who they couldn't see, that was that physical, which I think a lot of the measures that were taken exacerbated a lot of the things that happened with the mental note that contributed to people feeling more isolated, and not getting that physical connection and interaction with people. I think that Zoom has been very helpful, because let's say that you and I can't touch, but at least we can see each other's faces. Yeah, we can interact that way. That's not ideal. It'd be nice to meet in person. But if that's not possible, at least we're having some human interaction, which is what is so needed to ensure our mental health.

 

Tamara Anderson  10:55 

Yeah, no, it's right. I noticed most of my family lives out of state. We actually set up a family Zoom call that happens every other Sunday. That has been really fun, especially for my parents who are in their 70s. It's been nice for them to interact with family members at least twice a month. We make phone calls other times, which has worked. But these Zoom calls where we can see each other's faces, and the grandkids can jump on and say, “Hey, I love you, grandma and grandpa, it's good to see you,” just cute little things like that mean the world to people who are just completely isolated.

 

Lark  11:35 

I've seen more of that. I've heard of more families doing regular Zoom meetings, and it's brought more connectivity to extended families. I think that's been beautiful, because we have to realign our priorities. We can't go out and do a lot of the external things we used to do. So now let's really look at what is the most important thing. You mentioned your own mental health. That is crucial, because if you as a person are not in a good place, you can't help other people. I think of my son, and now I'm hearing so many stories, from a lot from his friends and from other people. I just dropped off a few copies of my book to his former high school. I had some of his friends talk to me about the things that he had done. One friend said, “I remember Valentine's Day, when he went to the grocery store, not once, but twice and bought out all the roses at two different grocery stores. He gave every girl in that high school a flower, because he didn't want anyone to be left out.” I didn't even know that story. It's an example of him trying to help other people, when in fact, he was empty himself. Unfortunately, we as parents did not know how he was struggling. So it's so important that you feel that you're capable to help others.

 

Tamara Anderson  13:09 

What are some of the things that you have perhaps had to incorporate into your life, since your son's suicide, that have helped you maintain your self-care and your own mental health?

 

Lark  13:25 

Since then, I think sleep is really important. I remember, as a young mom, young kids, I was in a corporate executive role. I think I averaged maybe five and a half hours of sleep a night. That was the average. I look back on that and I think I thought that Oh, yeah, I got this. We look back and I was like, “Who was I fooling?” because I was just on edge all the time. I realized that sacrificing that sleep and taking care of myself was probably not the most ideal thing. In our world, we give the world, “Oh, busy, I'm so busy, right?” I don't like that word. I'm always engaged in something, I always have things that I want to do and to take care of. But if someone stops by the house, and they want to talk to me for a minute, or I want to make a phone call, or I want to write a letter or text or whatever, I have learned that slowing down and having those personal connections, that is more than a busy, task oriented life. Because relationships are the spice that gives flavor to our life. I was very task oriented. I’m task oriented still, but I was 99% tasks and 1% relationship. I try to at least be 50/50, which for me is huge.

 

Tamara Anderson  14:58 

Yeah. Those are some really good points, the sleep and making room for those relationships. I think you're absolutely spot on there. I think we've all noticed the lack of that. We had a Zoom party for a friend for her birthday a couple of weeks ago. It was so fun to just see and interact with a couple of my friends, even on Zoom again. We played like a little Zoom game after but we first shared what we've all been going through. We need to schedule things like that more often. Because I think that's what's lacking. That's what's been the hardest in this COVID world of quarantine that we've been dealing with.

 

Lark  15:44 

As you know, when I lost my son, over that time period I realized how important relationships were. I think now people are starting to realize that as well as that. In my very self-centered world, I did not realize or appreciate how much I needed other people, and how integral they were to my mental wellness, to my enjoyment of life. I've had to shift that and say, “Okay, now I'm actively carving out time to be with these people that I care about and want to nurture these relationships.” Because like I mentioned, everybody feels this need to be busy. We get all these externals put on us, we have expectations. We need to step back and say, “In the long run, does this really matter?”

 

Tamara Anderson  16:37 

That is a really good question to ask yourself. I found, myself, that sometimes I need to ask that. It's that kind of long view perspective on life and the things that we're working towards.

 

Lark  16:51 

We talked about how grandparents are so patient with the grandkids. They can do that, because they have a different perspective. I wish that parents could learn that perspective as parents versus as grandparents. But a lot of times, parents are so caught up in… they're trying to earn a living so that they can keep a roof over the family's head and food on the table and the next, next, next. If we can just step back and look at our children, not as little robots, but as humans who are struggling and who are looking to us for stability, emotional stability. Because right now, young people, it is a difficult time and young adults especially, think about your life. I'm sure you have plans. My life was down to I knew what I was doing. Suddenly, that changed. They don't know, what is my graduation going to look like? Am I going to be able to have a job? Am I going to get a job? How is this career going to work? Can I pay my school loan off? Can I afford to live in an apartment? How am I going to pay for these things? All of these pressures and uncertainties.

That's kind of been a big group, that young adult group has struggled, as well as your teenagers. They've also struggled quite a bit with this. We, as parents, we need to kind of bridge that gap and help them on their mental wellness. I know that for me, my son was a difficult child for me. I look back on how I would kind of think about him. I would say, “Okay, when he finally graduates from college, when he moves out of the house and becomes a parent, and he understands how I tried to love and parent him, then we can have a better relationship,” rather than going back to when he was five and six and those struggles started, rather than trying to find some way to bridge the gap and form connections and spend more time with him and his interest. I just thought, “Okay, we'll do it later. We'll do it later,” rather than spending 10 minutes on something that maybe I could have spent 30 minutes on. That's where I should have tried to foster those relationships at the younger age instead of thinking I'll do it later. Because there might not be later.

 

Tamara Anderson  19:39  

I'm just going to pull out one of the things you said is fostering those relationships in things that they are interested in. That is tricky to do. Because sometimes you're so not interested in what they're interested in and yet that is where you're going to connect with them the best. So if you're not sure what those are, just ask your kid. Say, “What are some of the things you enjoy? Can we find something and go do it together?” And in this COVID world, can we find something? Maybe even do it at home or a modified version.

I have a son who's graduating from high school this year. I asked him, “What are some of the things you enjoy?” And of course, it's video games, but I said, “Outside of video games,” and he mentioned that he really loves hiking and photography. So that's something that we try to nurture in him and spend time out in nature and going to state and national parks. That's often where our vacations end up being because it's something we all enjoy.

 

Lark  20:51 

Thank goodness it’s something you can do, right?

 

Tamara Anderson  20:52 

Yes, I know, it is something we can do right now. It's one of the few things we can do right now, go out and be outside and enjoy that.

 

Lark  21:00 

Which is really important. I think for me, I've realized nature has always been important. But for me, the grounding and just the peace that I feel in nature, I've had to be really conscientious of that with the whole quarantine and just the changes in lifestyle. There are some days that the only time I go outside is to get the mail. That's really sad, right? So I've had to consciously say, “Let me get out a little more, let me go interact, or let me just get the sunshine on my face for 10 minutes.” That's important, too. So these little things that might bring you joy and just help you to get grounded and back to what is most important, it's important that we take the time for those.

 

Tamara Anderson  21:45 

Do you know one of the things I actually started just this last month was, I've always had a little bit of a green thumb. With it being ice cold outside, I started a little indoor garden. I've planted a couple little seeds and I have just had so much fun. Every morning I go down and I water the seeds and I see how much more they've grown. It brings me joy. I've had to transfer one of these skills that I usually just use in the spring and summer into my home because I need some sort of hobby that I can do here in my house. So yes, I did buy several pots at the dollar store and some seeds. So I'm growing stuff in my house, which I've done on occasion. But now I think I'm doing it more for me as a hobby because I need that for my self-care.

 

Lark  22:41 

That's beautiful that you’ve discovered that. That is very beautiful.

 

Tamara Anderson  22:45 

We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back I'm going to have Lark tell us a little bit about the writing process and what she learned about her experience through writing about it. Also, I'll have her tell us a little bit about what she shares with people who are struggling with suicidal ideations and the resources available to them and those who love them to help them in that process.

Hi, this is Tamara K. Anderson and I want to share something special with you. When our son, Nathan, was diagnosed with autism, I felt like the life we had expected for him was ripped away, and with it, my own heart shattered as well. It's very common for families to feel anger, pain, confusion and anxiety when a child is diagnosed. This is where my book, “Normal for Me,” comes into play. It shares my story of learning to replace my pain with acceptance, peace, joy, and hope. “Normal for Me” has helped change many lives. I'd like to give this book to as many families as possible. We put together something I think is really special. My friends and listeners can order copies of my book at a significantly discounted price. We will send them to families who have just had a child diagnosed with autism or another special needs diagnosis. We will put your name inside the cover so they will know someone out there loves them and wants to help. I will also sign each copy. You can order as little as one or as many as hundreds to be shared with others. So go to my website, tamarakanderson.com, and visit the store section for more information and to place your order. You can bless the lives of many families by sending them hope, love, and peace. Check it out today at tamarakanderson.com and help me spread hope to the world.

And we're back. I've been talking to Lark Galley about her experience and the things she's learned since the suicides of her father and son. Now I was going to ask you a little bit about the process of writing your book what you learned through that process. Often people, when they have to write things down, they learn, they put puzzle pieces together that perhaps they hadn't realized about their life before. So tell me how this writing process was therapeutic for you. Because writing is something we all can do, right?

 

Lark  25:23 

Yes, exactly. Whether you're planning to publish that as a book or not, I think writing helps you get clear. Also it brings out maybe thoughts and ideas that that were in your subconscious that you didn't even realize, “Oh, I was thinking that,” or, “oh, that happened. I didn't realize that.” So my idea of writing a book was that you spend two weeks writing it down. Forget about the interruptions that come from day to day life, or just things that have to happen. All of that was so unrealistic. I’m a task oriented person, and I’m like, “Can I do it?” So it was interesting. I started writing, and all of these life interruptions happened back in 2019 in the summertime. So I would write slowly. What also happened was that a lot of emotions came up. So I would write for a couple of weeks, and then it was so much emotion that I had to put it to the side. I wouldn't come back to it for another month or two.

It was hard to almost force myself to write these stories, because I had to go back and revisit the day my son died, his funeral, going to the funeral home and picking out a casket, the day my husband and I had a very candid conversation about are we going to make it as a couple? Because 30% of couples who experience a loss of a child, they end up in a divorce. I would say that's because marriage is already hard. Then to lose a child, it just brings out all of the things, all the problems we were having before, magnifies it. We had to look really deeply and see. We needed each other on a level that that no one else could understand. So all of these emotions, I had to relive all of that. That was hard. The process was a lot longer than I anticipated.

Another thing is that my friend who actually initially suggested that I write the book, she knew me from high school, and she said, “So Lark, are you going to include about your childhood?” And I said, “Do I include anything about my childhood that has nothing to do with my son's death?” And she said, “It has everything to do with your son's death.” She reminded me about coming to my house one time when I was in high school, in ninth grade, and she remembers me hiding food and putting it in my bedroom so that I would have some food for lunch the next day. It's interesting, because I don’t remember that. If you don't remember something, it was just par for the course, it was normal. You remember things that that were not normal, that happened outside your normal routine. I'm like, “Whoa, okay, that's kind of interesting.” My father was undiagnosed bipolar until he was in his 50s. So looking down, we can see the roller coaster, him changing jobs, I went to a different school every year of my life. It was kind of crazy, but my father made it feel like it was an adventure. So we were having adventures our whole life and just the instability that happened in our family and the uncertainty.

It wasn’t until I finished writing the book that I realized, because of the instability that I experienced as a child, I implemented a very structured home life. It was almost too structured. My son, he had his own issues. He was rebelling against that. He did not understand that as someone who experienced this, I wouldn't say because of that trauma, but I did realize it was trauma in my childhood, that that's how I coped and implementing certain ways that I needed things. That was huge in understanding how I parented. So if we, as parents can look back and say, “Okay, what from my childhood is now affecting the way I parent, and is it good or bad? Can I maybe let that go and realize that I don't have to have 20 backup items for everything that I love and use? It's okay. I only have to have one or two backup items.” Now that we don't have as many kids in the house, I'm going through and using all of my surplus stuff. I'm like, “Wow.” I was an organized hoarder in some ways.

 

Tamara Anderson  30:29 

Wow. So it's interesting that you were able to piece together some of the things from your past and that helped you understand why you were the way you were. Yes. I think that that is true for any situation in life. If you're struggling, it is good to go back and maybe write a little bit about your childhood. Write, or type, or journal, or however you want to do it. Because writing about it is very cathartic, it helps you get it out, it helps you process it. I know, I went through a similar situation, when I wrote my book that, you know, I would write the surface stuff. And then my editor would come back and say, I need you to tell me more about this. I'm like, “I don't remember.” The reason I didn't remember is I had repressed so many of the hard and awful memories. I had to go back to what little journaling I had done and reread and cry all over again, kind of like you were saying. But it was good for me to piece so many things together and help me understand myself better and help me understand my children better. So writing in and of itself is a hugely beneficial way to process trauma, to process just life events, process COVID-19, and how you're feeling about it. I know that's one of the things I made sure my kids had this last year, was a journal so they could write how they were feeling and thinking. I'm sure 20 years from now, they'll look back on that journal and go, Yeah, I remember the COVID-19.

 

Lark  32:01 

We think we'll remember these things. We really don't, especially the hard stuff. We repress it. I've been organizing and going through a lot of my files, etc., these last few months. I have all of these journals, and there is a running theme through these journals. That is the anger I had towards my son and just the relationship and how he wouldn't listen to me. He always argued with me. When I look back on that, I think, “Oh, no, I wish that that relationship had been different.” I wish that I could have let go of a lot of that anger that I had during the time when he was alive. Maybe that would have helped the relationship.

When I was writing the book, I felt him so close to me. I know that he wants me to share the story of how he struggled and hopefully other people can see that struggle and ask for help. I finished writing the book, and it finally got published at the end of 2020. A lot of times when we finish a big goal, we think, “Hey, we're done.” And the happier times are. That's not at all what happened for me. Within just a week of having it launched and published, I went into a deep depression. It was like my son got together because suddenly I wasn't meant to write that story. I didn't feel him as close to me as I had felt all during that writing process. I was getting these thoughts in my head, “Okay, your book is done. If anybody wants to read the story, they can read it. You can be done. You don't have to stay on this planet anymore. You've done your work, your work is over.”

Interesting thoughts in my head, right? Because I'm the one that's going out and telling people that they need to stay on this planet. They're important, they have an important message. Yet, those are the thoughts. Richard Paul Evans, who's the one who wrote the foreword in my book and my mentor in writing this, he and I had lunch just the next day. It was good. It wasn’t necessarily planned that it would be around this thing, but we added Monday’s calendars, we went to lunch. I asked, “When you finish writing a book, do you have this huge crash and just want to curl up and die?” He's like, “No, it's the opposite for me normally, because my books are fiction. The writing process is super hard because I have to come up with all of the storyline and the emotions and all of that. When I'm done, it's like happy days, big burden relieved.” So it was the opposite of mine because mine was very much a true story and all of these emotions, and I was experiencing the crash afterwards.

He pointed something out that was  really critical. He said, “Lark, your mission is not the book. You're not done. It's not just because now you've written your story, it's all over. This is just the start. Because you have the opportunity to impact thousands of lives, tens of thousands of lives with your message, so you're not done.” That really helped me get a better perspective of what I was trying to do and continue to go out and help people and explain to them that your mission, your purpose for being here is not just one event. It's ongoing and being able to share your life and your message with other people, even when you personally struggle, because that's when I found strength. The opportunity to go forward is in hearing people's stories. They thank me for being willing to share how hard it's been for me, because then they can speak up and say, “It's been hard for me too. Thank you for helping me see that I can go on.”

 

Tamara Anderson  36:12 

So your message is that imperfect people have a powerful perspective they can share with the world. I think that's so important, because who is perfect?

 

Lark  36:24 

I think for so long, we had this social media image, like this facade, “Oh, things are perfect.” Don't look behind the curtain. If we can show up in our vulnerability, other people can say, “I connect with you, I understand what you're going through, because I'm going through a hard time with you. And thank you so much.”

 

Tamara Anderson  36:52 

I love that. Because so often we feel like our message or what we're going through isn't worth sharing. Because we don't want people to see the ugly parts. When in reality, when we share those ugly parts of our lives, especially on social media, I’ve found that so many people, like I get 10 times more interactions, or maybe 20-100 times more interactions when I share those vulnerable moments. Like I had a really hard day today. My kid threw a tantrum, just things like that, we’re more willing to say, “I'm missing my son today.” Perhaps, for some reason today is really hard. People respond. Don't you think part of that is because God intended our lives for our lives to interact with each other, that often in our deepest, darkest moments, God sends angels in the forms of friends, or family members?

 

Lark  38:02 

That's why I say more than ever, I finally realize how connected we are as a human race and how somebody that we don't know can have a big impact on us just by having a kind word. Have you ever experienced that when you're feeling down? Somebody has a kind word for you and you're like, “Oh, thank you. I do matter.”

 

Tamara Anderson  38:26 

Yes, absolutely.

 

Lark  38:28 

Some people have commented that my book is very raw, and it's very open. It is. It is not superficial, on any level, it goes deep, and I was really open. I found that the more honest and real I could be, the freer I felt. I felt so free in sharing my story. We all have trauma in our lives, something happened. But if we can speak up about that, and be very open and not try to hide anything, we're free. We don't have to put up a facade or pretend. The more honest we are, and open, then the freer we feel. When my father died by suicide seven years ago, I couldn't even talk about it. My friends didn't know that that's how he die. Finally, by being willing to talk about my son’s suicide, and then my father's suicide, I finally could heal from my father's suicide and my son’s suicide because I was willing to be really honest and confront reality, which is not always easy. That's why I tell people if you're hurting, and you're not healed, it's because you haven't looked at reality, looking at what is real and be honest and speaking about it.

 

Tamara Anderson  39:55 

Wow. And that requires a lot of courage.

 

Lark  39:58 

I'm opening myself up to rejection. That was one of the big things when I first started going out and thinking about I'm going to talk about suicide prevention, my son’s suicide, my thought was, “I am going to get a backlash, because people are going to look and say, ‘You are terrible. Why didn’t you see this? Why didn't you know? Why did it whatever?’ And nobody ever said that. But I was afraid.”

 

Tamara Anderson  40:29 

I think the adversary does his very best to try to stop us from making the biggest impact, but often making the biggest impact, we have to face our biggest fears. What did you do to be able to have the courage to face those fears and to be vulnerable? What helped you?

 

Lark  40:57 

I had to look at this as helping people and seeing that I was helping them stay on the planet and stay alive versus my self-image or the reputation that I had. The struggles that my son and my father had, rather than trying to push those under and hide those, I had to be willing to say, “This is what happened, these are my regrets. This is what I wish I had done differently.” I had to encourage people to look at their relationships differently, and maybe how they can interact. So the book is to help parents in their relationships with their children, so that they never have to go through what my husband and I went through. Also it's to help parents or anyone who is grieving, however, that grief shows up, whether it's losing someone to suicide, or just a grief from whatever, that there is a way to move through that grief by finding a bigger purpose. My purpose was to help 100,000 people choose to stay on this planet and realize that they were important. Because if I affect one person that changes the course of their life, and they then affect two people. And they affect two people. It's just going to snowball. Like I said, I've never understood how connected we were as a human race.

 

Tamara Anderson  42:24 

Yeah, oh, my goodness, that is really, really beautiful. Let me ask you, there are parents and perhaps, teenagers, young adults out there who may be listening to this podcast who are struggling right now with suicidal ideations. What core message do you want them to leave this podcast with?

 

Lark  42:48 

First of all, they are not a burden to their family. A lot of times those who take their lives, they are in their right mind. They are thinking, “I'm a burden, nobody cares, I don't matter.” You absolutely matter. There are so many lives that will be impacted by your choice if you choose to end your life early. It has impacted our family. Every single one of us have made huge, 180 degree life changes. It has been difficult and we have all struggled.

One of the other reasons that I realized I couldn't afford to go into a depression like I did when my father died, was that I didn't know that my family members were still going to be around, that they were going to make it if I chose to go into a dark depression. Because they were struggling and it was touch and go for a while with each family member as to were we going to make it in the face of this loss that we couldn't reconcile, we didn't understand. So the impact is so big and if you are struggling, talk about it. Find someone. There are people that care. I don't think for a minute that people that are saying, “I’ve been thinking about suicide” that they're just calling wolf. They need help. They need to find a reason to believe.

 

Tamara Anderson  44:26 

That’s awesome. Thank you. What resources would you recommend for either caregivers or for people themselves who are struggling with suicide?

 

Lark  44:37 

So on my website, larkdeangalley.com, there's a resource tab. I was talking about this so much, suicide prevention, and then people would come to me and say, “Well, what can I do?” So I have partnered with Dr. Jenkins. He has some great parenting courses. I love how he teaches this community to love our kids no matter what. That's a hard thing, right? He offers a $1 trial for a week, which is a great deal. It's on that resource tab. People can take advantage of that and just look at all the courses he has. What if you are suffering with suicide ideation? He has some courses on that as well. We did a few interviews on that, what people can do and what to look for. So that's one of the resources. Another resource there is to look at your mental wellness, maybe take a little quiz that's on my website to gauge that, and what are some things you can be doing to improve that. There's the suicide number, that's for Utahans. There's also another, the NAMI, the National Association for Suicide Prevention, that number is on there as well, so that you can call and get some resources there. There are a few different ways you can do that. But also, if somebody is hurting, they need help, Google free suicide resources in your state, whatever your state is, and see what comes up. I think states are realizing more and more this is an epidemic, they're starting to put more resources to suicide prevention. Because we need to save our people.

 

Tamara Anderson  46:26 

And we're saving, right?

 

Lark  46:30 

People are a resource, right? They're a national resource. If we lose one person, that person's life, on average, has affected like 115 people. So it hurts 150 people to the point that they can't be at their full capacity, then that affects other people as well. It just diminishes our nation as a whole.

 

Tamara Anderson  46:59 

This has been so helpful. Let me ask you this, is there a Bible verse that has become particularly meaningful to you over this past year as you've processed more grief, and as you've written your book?

 

Lark  47:15 

As I was thinking about that, I was looking at one in Revelation, chapter 21, verse four. And it says, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” And I look back over this almost two years later, and the pain that our family has gone through, and I just know that at a future time, that it will all be healed. And we'll be all together.

 

Tamara Anderson  47:50 

And that is the hope. That is the hope that we have through Jesus Christ is that death is not the end, and that we can be with our family members afterwards. Then all this grief and sorrow will be, as it says in that verse, there shall not be any more pain. Isn't that beautiful? So there is hope you will get through it. Oh, Lark, this has been so wonderful. Are there any last minute thoughts that you'd like to share before we close?

 

Lark  48:22 

I just want to tell people that you matter. The message that you have inside you matters, and it might not feel like that right now. You might not feel like you have much impact. But I would just say, hang in there, stay in there. Because at some point, someone is going to turn to you. This person probably is somebody you love quite a bit. And if you can then be there to extend a hand to them and help them through their difficulty, you will have changed the world by changing that one person.

 

Tamara Anderson  48:53 

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you would like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden and above all, remember God loves you.

#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #suicide #suicideawareness #healing #healingaftersuicide #resourcessuicideprevention #suicideprevention #mentalhealth

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Tamara AndersonSuicide, mental health, Physical Health, Death