Heather Avis: How I Became One of the Lucky Few
As the mother of 3 adopted children (two with Down syndrome), Heather Avis has a passion to shout the God-Given worth of every person! She loves celebrating inclusivity and how we are each different and unique.
Episode Discussion Points
Fun had yard saling in Southern California
How she felt life was so unfair when she and her husband couldn’t get pregnant
How she was angry and vented to God like a tantruming child, and how He loved her through it all.
What her most frustrating moment with God looked like when she was going through the adoption process.
Sometimes God gives us gifts that we unwrap and the present isn’t what we were hoping for. At those moments we need a shift in perspective, and realize God is the giver of good gifts.
How they adopted their daughter with Down Syndrome, heart and lung conditions and were able to have front seats to miracles.
When you are blessed with a child with special needs, your life changes, and there is a grieving period for your expectations, but it also opens you up to “the other side of things” where you get to glimpse divinity.
When asked, “How do you do that?” Heather answered, “You do the thing you have to do for your kid,” whether it be open heart surgery or whatever else they are dealing with.
The stories of adopting her three children, two with Down Syndrome and congenital heart defects, and one typical child.
How her perspective on adoption has changed (For more details see separate section below).
We need to shift the narrative from adoptive parents being the heroes to they are just a part of the triad along with birth families (where possible) and the child being adopted.
Starting her group, “The Lucky Few” as a voice for parents of Down Syndrome children.
Writing her books, “The Lucky Few,” and “Scoot Over and Make Some Room.”
Her dream of writing a children’s book, and how that came to be her New York Times Bestselling book, “Different - A Great Thing to Be!”
We also had a great discussion on how we promote inclusivity from the time people are young.
Heather’s favorite Bible verse is: 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18, “Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” For Heather this means she can rejoice and pray always. God is God—period! She can trust in Him and His plan no matter what.
Heather’s Perspective on Adoption
Heather’s perspective on adoption has changed from her getting a baby to having different goals when a child is born. This is how she thinks people should look at adoption:
Keeping families intact by giving birth families support;
Look at kinship adoption
Look at adoption within their same race.
Interracial adoption
ALL with the idea of what is best for the child and that there will always be a birth family who is important to the child who are not a threat.
Book Trailer
Check out the fun book trailer for Different - A Great Thing to Be!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_Q5QzKEV14
Favorite Quotes by Heather Avis
“Hard is not bad. Hard is just hard.”
“Motherhood is the hardest gig—raising another human.”
“God’s holiness doesn’t hinge on me getting pregnant or not.”
“When you are hurting and broken, God is hurting and broken with us.”
Connect with Heather
Instagram @theluckyfewofficial
Website: https://www.heatheravis.com/
#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #adoption #downsyndrome #inclusivity #different #worth #unique
Transcription
Heather 0:03
We wanted to help the infant with a private adoption agency. And we found out through random, or divine/divine conversation with our social worker that there was a baby with Down syndrome placed in the agency. And I didn't want to hear that because I did not want a baby with Down syndrome. That wasn't the plan. Then, fast forward, okay, we'll pursue this. We'll look into it, and then we're excited about it. And then we find out that she has a congenital heart defect and a lung condition that's incredibly severe.
Tamara Anderson 0:36
Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure, and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.
My guest today is the mom to three magical kids, Macy, Truly, and August, and wife to the one and only Josh Avis. She lives with her family in Southern California and is an author, podcaster, Instagram influencer, and chief visionary officer at The Lucky Few, a nonprofit on a mission to create more spaces where everyone belongs. She is also a New York Times bestselling author with her new book, “Different is a Great Thing to Be.” She loves to travel, cook, and search for treasures at yard sales. I'm pleased to present Heather Avis. Heather, are you ready to share your story of Oh,
Heather 1:47
I'm ready. Thank you for that. It's great.
Tamara Anderson 1:50
Oh, well, it is so great to have you on the show today. And I just have to ask you, because my husband and I lived in Southern California when we were first married, and we loved yard sales too. I have to say, Southern California yard sales are the best because there's so much great stuff at them. So tell me, what was one of the best finds you've ever had at a yard sale?
Heather 2:13
Oh gosh, that's such a hard one. There's been a lot. California is great because we can yard sale almost year round. You know, like, our winters are so mild. Yeah, we do mostly year round. Some of my favorites would be antlers. Anytime I score antlers, I'm pumped. I have like a pair of bull horns.
Tamara Anderson 2:33
Oh my gosh.
Heather 2:35
Anytime someone sees them, like on a zoom call or something, they ask, like, “Are you from Texas?” Like a pair of long horns. I don’t even know what they're called. I got them for $10. That felt like an incredible steal. I can really just go around my house and, like, point at things that I got. I can name the prices of everything in my house almost. That's a good one. Another one that was fun, that was, like, less antique and collectible is, like, the essential oil company. Young Living is an essential oil company. They have a starter kit that is like $125 something and then you can get a diffuser along with it. The lady at the yard sale had no idea what she was selling, and I got it for $1. The whole kit, untouched, with the diffuser. I know. That was a good one. Because I love oil. So I was like pumped.
Tamara Anderson 3:27
That is awesome. You're like, “$1? Okay, okay, let me hand you my dollar before you change your mind.” That is awesome. I think some of our greatest scores, of course… My kids were really little when we lived there. And we were just cranking through clothing, you know, six to nine, nine to 12. And it was like everybody in Southern California would have their token one child, and then sell all these crazy brand clothes for 25 cents. And I was like, this is the best because I just would take them, you know, of course wash them, but it was fantastic. And it really helped because we were living on quite a tight budget when we first got married. So that's garage saleing. Can't say enough about it.
Heather 4:12
But I know, it's the best and it's true. I'm kind of ruined in that, I'll go to a place like Target and they'll have things on sale. I'm like, “Yeah, but I can get this if I just hold out. I'll find it at a yard sale.” Like a coffee pot. Our coffee pot broke. And you know, we can afford a new coffee pot. It's not a financial issue. And my husband's like, “Can we just buy a coffee pot?” I'm like, “Just give me a Saturday. Give me a Saturday. If I don't get it this Saturday…” And sure enough, I got like a brand new, in the box coffee pot for $3. I come home, I'm like, “Oh my, I told you. I told you we can hold out.” It's just, sometimes, my husband's like, “Are you serious? Can you just spend $10 on a pair of shorts for your daughter?” Like, no, because on Saturday I'll find them for 50 cents. So maybe it's become, I don't know, it's taken over me a little bit.
Tamara Anderson 5:04
But it's so fun. There's some fun out on the hunt and the find and then you're like, “Oh my goodness, look at the price I spent.” And then you're right, it does ruin you for buying things full price, you totally can't do it.
Heather 5:15
I can't do it. I tell my husband, like, I spent hundreds to save us thousands
Tamara Anderson 5:24
Oh my gosh. So we could talk about garage selling all day. But that's not what we're here for. But I am excited that we get to talk today, a little bit, about the ups and downs of your life, and just the crazy circumstances that put you on the path to adopt your beautiful three children. So why don't you take me back in your marriage, and how kids just didn't come the way you thought they would?
Heather 5:50
Yeah, my husband and I got married really young. I was 20 and he was 23. And I had a year left in college. I finished that year, we moved to Hawaii. My husband and I are kind of adventurous and kind of up for anything. So we're like, “We have this one time in our life where we have no obligations. And let's just go.” We thought we'd stay forever. And that turned into six months. And then we were back in California. And I had this plan all along. I wanted to get married young and I wanted three kids and all before I was 30. And I would be that like young hip mom dropping your kids off at high school or whatever.
Tamara Anderson 6:31
I'm picturing, and I can totally picture you doing it, too
Heather 6:35
I’ll still be the hip mom, just a little older when High School comes around. So when I was about 23, we thought, like, “Let's try to start a family.” I thought I'd get pregnant right away. I didn't get pregnant right away. Six months in, I was pretty panicked. All the doctors and experts, like, six months is not a long time. I think that when you're trying to get pregnant, time turns into like dog years almost. Six months, feels much, much longer. I remember thinking, six months in, “If I am not pregnant in a year. But that cannot be my story, like I would be devastated.” And then every month, ticking by, ticking by. So we started down a path trying to figure out why I couldn't get pregnant. One thing led to another and I was eventually, after a couple years, diagnosed with an unexplainable infertility. So there's these few factors on why it's probably hard to get pregnant, but people can still get pregnant with those factors. So there's something else going on. Your best bet is adoption or in vitro fertilization. So that was a real devastating moment for me.
The thing I wanted more than anything in life was to be a mom, it was the thing I wanted. I was desperate for it. It was so frustrating because everything was out of my control, it felt even more frustrating. Because, in my opinion at the time, I did everything right. I got married. And this is a lot information, but I was still a virgin when I got married. And so I felt like I did that right. My husband I both had full time careers before we started to try to get pregnant. We were homeowners. Everything is lined up. I'm the most deserving person I know. I was actually teaching high school at the time. I had students who would come to me telling me they were pregnant. I had friends who I knew were in really, really tricky marriages who were like, “Guess what, we're pregnant.” I just kept thinking, “This is so unfair. I should be pregnant. I'm the most deserving here.” Which is I mean, that's a whole other episode. A lot of things to unpack, right? But that's just showing how all-consuming it was for me. I couldn't even see outside of that desperation that I had. It turned me pretty judgmental, as you can hear, and bitter, and it was hard. Infertility is a really difficult path to be on for people who want to have kids.
Tamara Anderson 9:20
Yeah. So let me ask you, just dive a little deeper. Were you ever mad enough that you just vented at God?
Heather 9:28
Oh, for sure. Yes. I grew up in the church. I grew up in a non-denominational evangelical church my whole life. And it was, like, moments of looking back and realizing how good God's grace is. I know God wasn't frustrated at me or disappointed in me. It was more gentle, like, “It's okay.” You know, like a parent to a kid throwing a fit. Like you hold them if you're a good parent, right? You’re having a moment of parenting in a way that is helpful. Like patient, calm, just letting them work it out. So yes, there were moments of out loud, like, shaking my fist at God, this is so unfair. This is so unfair. Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 10:23
For sure. It's interesting, as you describe that. I wrote a book about my journey when my kids were diagnosed. I described myself like a tantruming, two year old, banging on God's door, you know, saying, “No, no, no. This is not in my plan.” And so it sounds very familiar. I think that's the best way to describe it, is that God loves us, just like we love our kids. He's looking at us going, “It's going to be okay. I can see down the line here. I can see down there a couple years, and you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be happy. But I know you're not happy right now. Just hang on.”
Heather 11:04
Yeah, yeah. As the story goes, we proceed with adoption. We went down the path towards that, and we were looking for a healthy infant. My understanding on the complexities of adoption have grown significantly. This was like, almost 15 years ago. I have changed in my perspectives on adoption drastically from then. That's the whole point of life, is learning, and growing, and experiencing things, and hoping that you're open enough to be growth minded and continue to grow as a human and become better. So we wanted to help the infant with a private adoption agency. So we could control that, to have a healthy infant. And we found out through random, or divine/divine conversation with our social worker that there was a baby with Down syndrome placed in the agency. I didn't want to hear that because I did not want a baby with Down syndrome. That wasn't the plan. And then fast forward, okay, we'll pursue this. We'll look into it, and then we're excited about it. And then we find out that she has a congenital heart defect and a lung condition that's incredibly severe. She might be on medication her whole life, she may be on oxygen her whole life, she may not live to be older than five years old. And that moment, finding all that out, was even more of like a shake my fist at God. The conversation was, “I came to grips with my infertility. I came to grips with adoption. I came to grips with Down syndrome. This is it. You want me to bring home a baby who might die in five years? Are you even kidding me?” I had just reached another point of what are you doing here? And that was probably my most frustrated moment, maybe in my life, with the Lord, was in that time.
Tamara Anderson 13:06
Did you feel like He answered you at the moment? Did He give you peace? Or any understanding, or enlightenment, or just keep going? What do you feel His answer was to you at that point, when you were just at your lowest and your angriest?
Heather’ 13:24
My greatest frustration was there was nothing. I needed something from God, and I just wasn't hearing it. So no, there wasn't this like moment of a whisper of peace. It was a decent amount of time of like, “Just show me something,” I'm doing an “If… then…” with God. If you grew up in a Christian space, it’s, “If this happens, it's a yes. If this happens, it's a no.” It was always, like, confusing. Then, when we had a moment, we were like, up and down. So we had said yes, and then had all this medical stuff. And then we were panicky, and then, okay, no. And then yes and no. Our social worker was like, “What if you meet with the cardiologist and hear more from the doctor's mouth on what exactly is happening with her heart and her prognosis?” So we did that.
We weren't supposed to meet the baby, who's our daughter now, but she happened to be there because things were running late. Everything changed. There's this baby, and I am holding her but like, trying to be really protective of myself, because I don't know that this is my baby or not. And it wasn't a moment of like, “Oh, this is my baby.” Like, that didn't even happen. It's like, she's adorable. And that's great. And I could see myself loving her. But I didn't have that, you know, like, “Oh, this is it.” My husband and I got only bad news from the cardiologist. He said she could live to be five, maybe as old as eight. Her lung condition can't be resolved, it's very serious. We can fix her heart, but the lungs will not be fixed when her heart is fixed. It was like a whole thing. So it was all bad news. We left the hospital like, “Oh my gosh, now what?” We knew we didn't want to say yes. We knew we couldn't say no. So there's this like gray space that I had. I think I'd been avoiding that, and the tension of that middle ground. I think I'd spent most of my life trying to avoid that. It's a yes or no, it's black or white. And I think that's a lot of being in a church setting. It’s very dualistic. It's yes or no. It's not center. It's black. It's white. It's those things. And I think there's space for that in our faith journey. But also that God is a God of both, and tension, and gray, and all those spaces. So that was really my first time diving into that, although when you dive into something, you're doing it usually by choice. So it's more like a shoving into these spaces.
And we drove to Costco of all places, because we needed to run errands, We’re just in the parking lot hysterical, like, “What are we supposed to do?” Because we're three weeks into having found out about this baby and making this decision. That was a moment where God, I had like a vision. I was overwhelmed with this idea of, here is a package that is wrapped beautifully. And God's handing it to you. You unwrap it, you're excited. You unwrap it and you say, “Oh, this isn't what I wanted.” And then you hand it back to God. And wait a second, who does that? Like the bigness and goodness of God is so mysterious and outside of anything. We can barely touch it as humans, even as image bearers, right? Like we can barely touch the bigness of God and the goodness of God. And that moment, I shared that with my husband. Then, in addition to that, it was, if you get to raise this baby for a day or a lifetime, what an honor. What an honor.
So, fast forward, she's 13. Totally healthy, right? We entered into this journey of front row seats to miracles and open-heart surgery, and she's healed up this lung condition. 13 years old, totally healthy, clean bill of health. There's nothing, there's nothing wrong. I always say Macy was my scariest and my best yes. And there's not a competition, when you have multiple children, you know, like, who's more important or anything. People who have multiple kids know this.
Tamara Anderson 17:43
Yep.
Heather 17:45
But she has been my game changer, she changed the game for me forever. I am so grateful. And you think back to like, when parents get a diagnosis for a disability, whether it's Down syndrome, or autism, or anything, right, like you find out that the plan you had for your life, and your child, and your family is going to be drastically shifted. There's a mourning and a grief there of the loss of what was. But I think what I've learned over the years, especially in talking to so many parents, is you have to separate that mourning, the grief of the loss of what was from your child, right? We don't need to be grieving human beings with infinite possibilities. We need to be grieving the loss of what we were holding so tightly to. I think when we can separate that, there's a moment of coming full circle, which I'm sure has been your experience too. I talked about it, my wording, my language around it is “coming to the other side of things.” And you're gonna get to the other side. Be gentle with yourself and go through what you need to go through to get there. But you will get there. And you will get there a better human. It's not easy. It's not like things are easy. It's going to be freakin’ hard for the whole time. But hard is not bad. It's just hard. Then when you can figure that out and sit in that tension and hold it all at the same time, you get this glimpse of divinity that I don't think I would have seen it otherwise. I think I'd go my entire life not seeing otherwise. She changed it all for me. You know, she's the gift of my life.
Tamara Anderson 19:34
For sure. Yeah, it's amazing how these kids can change our perspective on what's truly important. You lost that dream of being the hip mom, dropping your kids off at high school, you know, but think of how much you've gained. God can see that perspective. But we can't. It's that trusting, that, “I hope this turns out okay in the end.” That is really, really hard. I love how you call it the “coming out on the other side.” I've always compared it to Moses and the children of Israel being backed up into the Red Sea and going, “Now what?” And then the Red Sea parts. And they’re like, “Okay, well, I never would have considered this possibility. But I'll go that way.” But you get on the other side, and you still have to go through wilderness. You know, it's not the path you thought you would take, but okay. I think that no matter what, our lives are going to be hard.
Heather 20:44
Yeah. So yeah, I mean, that's the other thing too, when you talk to parents, or people who are having kids for the first time, or whatever. It's like, dude, parenting is just the hardest. I mean, it is beautiful and incredible. And it's such an honor. And I'm grateful every day that I get to be a mom. And it's the hardest gig in the world, raising another human, disability aside. I used to be a teacher and I worked with a woman, this is before I had kids, who had two sons. Her oldest son had Down syndrome. Her second, two years younger, did not. They were both adults. I remember her saying, “My kid with Down syndrome is a million times easier than my kid without Down syndrome.” You can say kinda lightheartedly, but her son without Down syndrome was struggling with drugs and alcohol. Not that that can't happen to people with Down syndrome. But I don't know anyone with Down syndrome that struggles with drugs and alcohol. And I don't think that's likely for my kids with Down syndrome, but my daughter without Down syndrome, when I think about the future, I'm not super worried about my kids with Down syndrome. I think about my middle daughter, who doesn't have a disability, like entering high school, you know. That, like, keeps me up at night. Because parenting is just hard.
Tamara Anderson 22:00
Yeah, I know. Now that my kids are getting older, when they were young, they were so super hard. And those beginning years were just difficult and challenging, getting my kids to sleep through the night, and just learning to communicate, when that process didn't come from their brain out of their mouth. We had to figure out different ways to communicate. It was really, really hard. I kind of call it my survival, going through survival years. But now that they're older, and I've got other typical kids going through these major life decisions, I'm like, oh, in some ways, it's easy, right? Yeah. Yeah. To have these kids that don't have to make those decisions, you know, they're just going to be happy and do their simple little life. And like you said, you don't have to worry about drugs and alcohol and all that stuff on my plate. Yeah. Totally. Sweet little souls that I'm thankful to have you in my home that I get to rub shoulders with them everyday. Yeah, it's so true. So it's good to get a little bit of perspective with these kiddos. They're amazing. They're wonderful. Um, so tell me the rest of your story.
Heather 23:15
There's more than one. Yeah, so Macy came into our life. And like I said, she's totally healed now. So she had open heart surgery a month after coming home. In fact, our first day as parents, I mean, she came home, she was just a week shy of four months old. And she came home and the very next morning, so we were less than 24 hours in this gig, we had a doctor's appointment with her heart surgeon to schedule her open heart surgery. So we're just like loading her in the car and driving to the hospital. And people are like, “Oh my gosh, how do you do that?” And first of all, it's our first experience, right? This is our normal. I always tell parents, you do the thing you have to do for your kid. When people looked at us and said, “I could never,” like, oh, no, you could. And you would, and you would be great at it. You'll do it because it's your kid. And that's what we do for our kids. Yeah. And so then she had heart surgery a month later. We did well with that. Still on oxygen. Two and a half years after that, we went to our pulmonology appointment, and the pulmonologist came in and said, “Her pulmonary hypertension has gone. Take off her oxygen.” It was just like this miraculous moment.
I wanted my kids real close together in age, but we were pretty in it, as parents those first few years. We were at the doctor a lot, a lot, a lot. A lot of doctor's appointments, and therapies and those first few years when you have a child with a disability, it can be very intense. Yes. We got to a point after her oxygen was off that we wanted to start the process again for adoption. My opinions and understanding, I should say my understanding around adoption was shifting. So we went with our county so it'd be like adopting through foster care. We were open to almost any child. We got a call about a year later for a little girl who was five months old and didn't have any disabilities, or health issues, or drug exposure in utero, which is all pretty unheard of for a county adoption. We were just gonna say yes to any child that came our way. That was our first call. Our daughter came home a few weeks later. We named her Truly. We were told she's Hispanic. Then when she came home, she's African American, and Guatemalan. So we found out some more things about her after she entered our lives. She's one of those kids that's just she's like, incredibly gorgeous, and charming, and good at everything. So I've got my daughter Macy, who was also all those things, but in a different way.
Macy took her first step at almost she was two years and 10 months old when she took her first step, and Truly was nine months old, when she took her first step. They took their first step in the same calendar year. Isn’t that hilarious? So all of a sudden, I'm parenting for the first time again, which I think is everyone's experience. When you bring the second child home, you are different as a parent, and your kid is a different kid. But she was so different from Macy that she like, really threw me for a loop. And then there's also trauma is the birthplace of adoption. It doesn't matter how old your child is when they come to you. That is the birthplace for an adoption story. So learning to hold that, and navigate that with my daughter, and learn. We're still figuring that, learning that will be a lifelong thing. But Truly rocked my world. She's a feisty little world changer. She's just an incredible little girl, really great sister. Then fast forward a couple years, and we got a call from a woman. We found out through a friend about a woman who is pregnant and got an in utero diagnosis for Down syndrome. The baby had a congenital heart defect as well. She was feeling that her best option for her son was to create an adoption plan. So we got in touch with her. She was seven months pregnant. We said yes to that baby. He was born in December, our son August, with Down syndrome, and a congenital heart defect. But he came home right after, like two days, three days old, out of the hospital, and he'd had heart surgery. He's doing great. He's maybe one of the coolest kids that's will ever live. He's just unreal. He's such a cool guy. He's seven now. So my kids are 7, 10, and 13. That's the family story in a nutshell.
Tamara Anderson 27:51
We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back, we're going to have Heather tell us a little bit more about adoption, and about her New York Times best-selling books. So stay tuned.
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And we're back. I've been interviewing Heather Avis, who is a New York Times best-selling author, and amazing wife and mother. And she has adopted three incredible children, two of whom have Down syndrome. We've been talking about her incredible journey with adoption. Now, you mentioned a couple of times that your perspective on adoption has changed. Tell me tell me how it changed through the years and what people should know going into it.
Heather 30:00
This is a big, very long conversation. So I'll try to keep it brief. And maybe listeners can do a little bit more research and digging. Maybe I can give you some resources you can put in your show notes or something. When I started the adoption process, it was about me getting a baby. That was the goal. There was a baby, who would be my baby. Yes, a woman or family was attached to that baby. If, at best, maybe we can have pictures and letters, because that'll be good for my baby to know a little bit about where they came from. But I was the center of the story. Over the years and getting to know birth families, and birth moms, and adoptees, really, the conversation has changed so much for me, in the last couple years in interacting with quite a few adult adoptees, and quite a few transracial adult adoptees. Because my husband and I are Caucasian, and our middle daughter, Truly is African American, and Guatemalan. So she just presents as Black. Hearing those voices and realizing that we have, in the United States, especially in the church, created a narrative around adoption, where adoptive parents are the center of the story. They are the heroes. That is incredibly damaging for adoptees, and very, very damaging and tragic for birth parents.
So we need to create a narrative that what we're trying to do is keep families intact. That’s goal one. How do we come alongside birth families, as step one, for them to be able to parent and keep that family unit intact? Then, if that's not an option, then we can look at like kinship adoption. If that's not an option, then let's look at adoption within their same race. If that's not an option, then we can talk about white people adopting kids outside their race. But always with the narrative of there's this family that will be so incredibly important to your child their entire lives. That is not a threat. That is not a threat. So there's a triad of adoptive family, adoptee, and birth family, and no one should have more power there. So we've got to shift that narrative from adoptive parents being these like, incredible heroes who do this heroic thing. Because it's not a true story. It leaves the child who's at the center of it all in a predicament, right? It makes them feel like I was like a cause, like I'm a victim. None of those things should be true for your child.
Tamara Anderson 32:48
So shifting the focus from you to the child. Doing what's best for the child. That’s what the focus really needs to be.
Heather 32:57
Yeah, and if you can, have birth families involved. We have a great relationship with my oldest and my youngest birth families. There was a time in the beginning, like I said, I wanted to like, pick up my baby and run. But my baby is her baby. And again, that tension, that middle ground. For my son, when he celebrates a birthday or something on social media, because social media plays a whole new role in all of it, his birth mom talks about her son. Like, “Happy Birthday to my son.” That can't be threatening to an adoptive parent, because that's her son. He will be her son for his whole life, for her whole life. Because that's who he is. So if, as an adoptive parent, if that's something that's threatening to you, I think just take a step back. Be mindful, and prayerful, and dig deep, and create relationships with people in that adoption triad to get your heart in a place of seeing adoption for what it really should be. Because even that idea of like, I've heard people in church spaces, say, “Adoption is the gospel message. Adoption is the heart of God.” And yes, we've been adopted into God's kingdom. But to say that is to say that God, the heart of God, and the gospel message is to sever relationships. It's the opposite. So we can't ignore that starting point. When I think about my kids, it's that weird space that's always gonna be mysterious. Plan A was never for my kids to be my kids. Because God is not a god of destruction. He's a God of wholeness. So God wanted these families to stay intact. God didn't set someone up to sever relationships. That's not who God is. Then things happen. Then there's restoration, you know, and then all these things happen that are so far outside our mystery. So it was Plan B. And always supposed to be, which feels contradictory. You’ve just got to sit in that. Does that make sense?
Tamara Anderson 34:51
Yeah. And be comfortable with it. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's a cool perspective on adoption that I guess I didn't ever consider before. But I think it's really neat that you've been able to gain that perspective as you’ve gone through this experience. I think it's really, really cool that now you are a voice for it, right? Yeah. For that different perspective and the importance of putting the kids where they most need to be. Yeah, exactly. It's got to be about those kids. Oh, my goodness. So let me ask you this, this whole journey has led you to The Lucky Few, this organization that you're the chief visionary officer on. Why don't you tell me a little bit about that? And then kind of segue into the books that you have written and why it is so important.
Heather 35:46
Yeah. So when Macy was about three, we started when Instagram came out. Maybe she was four. We started an Instagram account, like a lot of people did. We decided to share Macy, to share our experience of raising a child with Down syndrome through a picture a day. We talk a lot in The Lucky Few about shifting narratives. There's a narrative around raising a child with Down syndrome or having a child with Down syndrome that's usually negative, and scary, like all these things, that we, as we are parenting her, realize that this narrative that we've been told is not true. She's pretty incredible. Our experience is really great. People need to see, like air quotes, “normalize” raising a child with Down syndrome. So this representation is important. So it's just a picture day. Then there are a series of random events that it kind of blew up. We ended up with a bunch of followers. So all these people are listening to the things I'm saying, and watching the pictures and posting. So I started using a hashtag, “the lucky few.”
I just always felt overwhelmed, like there's so few people who have Down syndrome and who get to raise a child with Down syndrome. Those of us who do are so lucky. This idea of feeling lucky, or blessed, feeling so lucky that I get to have a kid with Down syndrome and meeting all these families who have that same feeling. But their initial feeling wasn't luck. So shifting that narrative, so they started saying how. Like using a hashtag, “the lucky few,” the first 50 pictures or so is Macy. Then I started noticing, because you can click on a hashtag, that there were other people using it. It was people connected to Down syndrome. And then it just kind of exploded. So “the lucky few,” that idea, and the saying has become pretty synonymous with Down syndrome in the community. You'll see it on, if you're in the Down syndrome space, chances are you've heard that phrase, and you'd have no idea who I am is very likely.
But that led to opportunities, and I was blogging the whole time that Macy was little and I got an opportunity to write a book. A publisher approached me and asked if I'd be interested writing a book. So I wrote that and called it “The Lucky Few,” was the title. Basically, it's a memoir of infertility through our son August coming home. I found myself just in this space of “Oh gosh, people are listening to what I'm saying.” We need to hold that with humility, and integrity, and be intentional in this space. So, we are social media influencers, which is like a weird, it's like a real thing. It's complicated. But we are influencers in our own regard, in hopes of shifting the Down syndrome narrative. Then we started a podcast three years ago. I've written another book called “Scoot Over, Make Some Room,” which is more like a manifesto about what I've learned in being a mother to children with disabilities, and being a mother to a daughter who has a different race than me. Just finding that there's all these spaces in our world that we need to make room for those who are missing. That's a lot of the spaces that I had been in prior to having kids. So my dream when I was a kid was to be a children's book author. I remember in fourth grade thinking, “This is what I want to do. How do I do this?” Then my agent and I would talk a lot about like the timing, the timing, and then when the timing felt right, we did. I wrote a children's book.
Tamara Anderson 39:26
And it’s a New York Times best-seller!
Heather 39:28
Yeah. So that came out June of this year. It was this book that when my kids, when Macy came home, I remember going to Barnes and Noble and looking on the bookshelves for books about adoption, and disability, and Down syndrome specifically. I get this was almost 13 years ago. It was just dire. I could think of one book about Down syndrome, but it wasn't for kids. There's been more books over the years, but I wanted to write this book that I wanted my kids to read, that I wanted them to ask for every night at bedtime because of the message. The main character is a little girl named Macy. She has Down syndrome, although it's not ever mentioned in the book. She's a little girl who's different, and sometimes hasn't been accepted into certain spaces because of her differences. And she's used her differences to teach other kids to continue to show up, and to show kids that everybody's different. So it's that idea that I, as a child, I felt different. I feel like everyone, even as an adult, like this feeling different somehow is attached to something negative, and shifting that for our kids and for ourselves and thinking like, “Okay, we have this God that we cannot even begin to grasp. And God is a God of different.” Look at nature, look at animals, like humans, every human created the image of God, every human is different. This is the heart of God, right? And so instead of trying to avoid our differences, how do we teach our kids and ourselves to see them, and to embrace them, and to celebrate them? So it's a book, encouraging that.
Tamara Anderson 41:11
I love that. It almost changes it from being different to you’re each unique? Yeah, we're each unique. I love this whole concept. It's something that I've tried to teach my kids their entire lives, is everybody's different. Someone’s going to have different challenges than you. That's just how it is. Yeah, you're gonna have different gifts than they are. And they're, you know, you can't compare that. I love, Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Yes. So when we're comparing somebody else's strength to where we feel weak, it makes us feel achy inside. Instead, we need to celebrate, hey, look at that person. She wrote a New York Times bestselling book, you know, how awesome is that? That is such an amazing gift that she has, and what a great message she has. My message is similar, but different. And it's great. And it's okay, right? That we love and embrace these things, which make us unique and different. I wish we could get this message around the world because I think it solves a lot of problems. I think so too.
Heather 42:24
I think so too, and timely. I mean, I wrote the book for kids, but I'm, like, man, adults, I need this message. You know, like the moms and dads reading, and grandparents, and caregivers reading this book. I hope it's a message for everybody. And the thing that I think is so great about kids and starting this narrative shift with children is that is when we learn things… If you walk into your kindergarten class, and the messaging that you've had at home is one of everybody's different and it's great, and your teacher’s sharing that messaging. Then this kid over here brings something to school to eat for lunch that is like nothing you've ever seen before. Instead of having a reaction that's like, “Oh, what is that? Because I don't know it because it's different.” It's like, “Oh, my gosh, that's different. What is it?” You know, like curiosity, instead of judgment. Or this kid over here? Why is this kid like flapping and yelling? It's like, oh, because they respond to the world differently than you do.
Tamara Anderson 43:18
Yeah, we're all different.
Heather 43:19
So I think kids are so quick to adopt that idea if we lay the foundation and invite them into it. So that's my hope for this book. I hope that it invites kids into a conversation of seeing their differences and saying, “Yeah, this is it.” Not only is it okay, it's great. So we're going to celebrate it. And being curious instead of judgmental.
Tamara Anderson 43:41
Yeah, no, and I think you're right. I think approaching it when they're kids is the best time to approach it. It's just transitioning through those junior high school years, and it becomes a little more challenging. Because I think when people start to become self-conscious, when their bodies change and stuff like that, that's when we start having a harder time accepting ourselves. And that naturally flows outward. Does that make sense? So I guess the question then becomes how do we transition that, “Everybody's different and it's okay,” to when you’re a teenager and then an adult? I don't know that, because that's the problem we're struggling with right now. How do we bridge that? I don't know. It's tricky. Do you have any thoughts?
Heather 44:33
Well, no. I mean, I do have thoughts and I don't know the answer. I think about siblings, people who have siblings with disabilities, and those siblings that are neurotypical, able-bodied siblings know how to react and respond around other people with disability. They do their whole life. So when they transition into junior high, maybe they're not gonna be that all-inclusive accepting kid, but probably they are. They become the people. I just meet siblings and I think, “Oh my gosh, amazing.” And it's because it's always been for them this idea of different and so I think it needs to be foundational for our kids as they're growing up. I know it's been in your home, it's been in my home. Because of that, my middle daughter, Truly, who is not disabled, she will interact, she'll be around people who are different enough to make her feel very uncomfortable, which is okay. That's also the conversation. It is, “I feel uncomfortable when I'm around something that I'm unfamiliar with. But I'm not going to let that unfamiliarity be the thing to separate me from relationship.” Because I know that it's just a difference that I'm unfamiliar with. And once I'm familiar, it no longer feels scary, or it makes me feel uncomfortable or nervous. So it’s having those conversations that opens up opportunities. I'm trusting and not believing that when Truly is in junior high interacts with someone with a disability or someone who eats different has different foods or dresses different or whatever it might be. Because, foundationally, we've laid that for her. She will navigate those years more accepting, and inclusive, and loving, and Christ like for people who don't get that foundationally. I don't know, I think that everybody just stays home through junior high. I think we cancel junior high. That's my advice, cancel junior high.
Tamara Anderson 46:37
I've been thinking about this, as you've been talking about it. I really, as I pondered it, I really think it's a matter of being exposed to people who are different. And so I've just been thinking about my kids being in public education and being incorporated into classes. Like my kiddos on the autism spectrum, especially my low functioning son, was in choir class, you know? And did he sing like everybody else? No, but I tell you what, that kid can sing on pitch when nobody else is singing. Yeah. You know, just being in the same class with, and being in the same room with them makes them less scary. Just interacting with people who are different on a daily basis, I think, eventually you get more used to it. They're not as scary. So I think just being open to go and talk to somebody or somebody different. Maybe if they can't communicate, like my son Nathan has a hard time communicating verbally, talking with his aide, well, what does he like to do? You know, just finding out how they function. And it's okay to ask questions. Any of us who are parents or caretakers of these special needs kids are more than happy to answer questions. Yeah, definitely.
Heather 47:54
I mean, I feel like we could have a whole conversation on inclusive spaces starting in our schools. It’s that proximity, proximity is what's going to lead to relationship. If we do not create spaces where we can be proximate to people who are different than us, to people with disabilities, as a collective humanity, we will be suffering, because we don't know how to be around people who are different than us. And we don't know how to see goodness in other people. That reflects on us and as people who love Jesus, we will not know the fullness of God, if we do not have disabled people in our lives. We will not. And the church has got to, like, run to the front of the line to make this happen. It will change the environment, probably pretty radically and drastically. I mean, I don't know if anyone's ever like heard about Jesus, but he stepped into spaces and changed them pretty radically and drastically. So this is huge on my heart and a big piece of our messaging platform, is we have to have inclusive spaces, and our schools and our churches have got to lead the way. Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 49:06
I'm 100% behind that. Preach it. Yes. This is really, really cool. I love that this is your message. I love that you're targeting kids, and that by targeting kids, I love how you said it's also going to impact the parents and the grandparents of those who are reading this book to them. The message really is flowing to all ages thatm “Hey, we're unique and different and God made us unique and different.” Right. Let's be happy with that and celebrate it. This is awesome. So guys, this book, huge, huge shout out. Oh and by the way, I forgot to mention this. We are doing a giveaway of two of the copies of Heather's book, “Different is a Great Thing to Be.” I'm going to set this up on my website and on my social media platforms will blast it out. Two of you lucky people will be able to win a free copy. So we will put this out on social media. There will be a link you can click in my show notes, and on Facebook and Instagram, where you can go and win a free copy. So enter the drawing. We'll have this open from today, August 4th until August 11th. We'll do the drawing and announce the winners of the two copies of Heather's book. So be sure to enter the drawing. So Heather, through all these ups and downs, I just have to ask, have you found a favorite Bible verse that you'd like to share with us today that has become meaningful to you?
Heather 50:56
This Bible verse really entered my life towards the beginning of my infertility journey, and rang true then and rings true now, as the word of God often does. It's in First Thessalonians chapter five, verses 16 through 18. It says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Tamara Anderson 51:21
I love that. What did you find resonated the most when you were going through infertility?
Heather 51:29
Part of that scripture is the idea that, “Do these things always because this is God's will for you.” In those early years of infertility, there was a moment also where I felt this idea that God is God, period. God's goodness, and love, and all-consuming holiness does not hinge on me getting pregnant or not. So God is God, period. So this idea of like, rejoice always, because God is God. Pray continually, because God is God. Then trusting that God’s will for my life, He has the plan, and His will for my life is going to be good. Because God is good. Right? God is goodness, and love, and light. That will be what unfolds. I’m actually bringing it full circle to your podcast title. I felt pretty hopeless for a very long time. I think that verse, and that idea of God is God, was a tiny little string of hope that I held, I just clutched onto for dear life for those few years.
Tamara Anderson 52:42
Yeah. And sometimes that's the best thing we can do, is when we don't see the future outcome, that thing that we're hoping for, is just clinging to that hope. Even though we don't see it, trusting that God does. Everything will work out and giving thanks in all circumstances. Oh, hard, hard. It's hard. Yeah. But it goes back to that, like going through infertility. It's hard. I got kiddos who are struggling to make friends because they're different. You know, there's hard, hard circumstances that we're going to go through. Oh, it's hard to give thank when it's not fun.
Heather 53:24
Right. Yeah. I could be wrong in this, but I feel like, here’s an example with infertility. It's not even, like, “Thank you, God, for infertility.” It's like, “Thank you, God, that you are good.” Right? Like, “Thank you, God, that you are love. Thank you, God, that you are bigger than this.” So I don't even know that it's like, “Thank you, God, for this hard thing.” No. I think when we're hurting, a broken God is hurting and broken with us. And it's just, “Thank you, God, that you are God.” Period. Full stop.
Tamara Anderson 53:54
I love that. I love that. If nothing else, that is something huge to be grateful for. Yeah. Love it. Love it. Alright, Heather, there's gonna be people out there who are just loving what you've shared and who are going to want to connect with you. Tell me how they can get ahold of you, where they can follow you, and where they can buy your books.
Heather 54:21
Yeah, so we spend a decent amount of time on Instagram, @theluckyfewofficial. Anything that we're doing will pop up there if you want to follow along. And then heatheravis.com. You can find everything. There's a link to the book there. You can buy the book anywhere that sells books.
Tamara Anderson 54:38
Well, this has been so amazing. And before we close, any last minute advice for people who are truly, really struggling right now?
Heather 54:48
I would just say that it's okay. It's okay. Be gentle with yourself and gracious with yourself. And it's okay for things to be hard and it's okay to have to sit in that. Like I said earlier, there will be another side. But I remember when I was feeling so frustrated and broken and hurt, I needed people to stop fixing me, you know. So I think that's a word that someone needs to hear. It is okay, where you're at right now.
Tamara Anderson 55:21
Well, I couldn't say it any better than that. So I think we'll just close and say thank you so much for sharing your amazing wisdom and your journey. And thank you for sharing hope with other people who are on the other side of where you are right now. And just letting them know that you can get there too, right? Yeah. Absolutely. Yes.
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There, you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.
You can find the transcription of today's episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/how-i-became-one-of-the-lucky-few