Debbie Ihler Rasmussen: Choosing Christmas Joy Amidst Grief

Debbie learned from her parents example the importance of choosing to still celebrate Christmas even when a tragedy struck their family during the holiday season.

Episode Discussion Points

  • Favorite holiday tradition: buying an ornament the different places they went, and getting one for each of her children too (so they could have ornaments when they got married.)

  • This tradition eventually evolved into Debbie getting each ornament out and telling the story of each ornament.

  • Debbie shares the Christmas season when she was five years old when her oldest brother died in an accident.

  • The miracle that even though the entire town shut down and turned Christmas off after it that they were able to celebrate Christmas every year with joy since then.

  • Debbie says it was almost like her mom tried to celebrate Christmas more joyfully after that—but it was definitely a choice for her to do that.

  • We always remember those who have passed on when the anniversary of their death occurs, but we can choose whether to celebrate it with sadness or with joy (or maybe a bit of both).

  • If you are mourning a death right now and even have a small desire to begin to change that to be something positive, it all starts with a small desire. Then ask God to help you begin that process of healing so you can find more joy and less grief in the memory.

Favorite Bible Verse

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path.”

This is especially applicable when we talk about losing those we love to death.

Connect with Debbie

#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #death #grief #holidaygrief #holidayhope #JesusChrist

Transcription

You can find the transcription of today's episode here:

Debbie Rasmussen 0:03

And it hit me that my parents never mourned my brother on Christmas, that we were aware of. That my mother probably celebrated even more. And so Christmas was always a huge day. And people said to me, it must be a really hard time of the year for you. And I'm like, it isn't. And it never was for my mother. Don't misunderstand that she didn't remember, because she did. But it was never displayed as--this is such a sad time, Brent was killed and never, ever. And I, I really credit my parents for that.

Tamara Anderson 0:38

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host Tamara K Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.

Tamara Anderson 1:03

My guest today is the mom of six children and has 17 grandchildren, and they all are the center of her world. She taught dance and owned studios for 44 years and has given years of service to her church in various leadership capacities. She has lived in Utah, California, and just this past summer moved to Arizona. She began writing at age 12, and published her first book in 2014. She has now published seven books. With eight and nine coming soon, I am pleased to present Debbie Ihler Rasmussen, Debbie, are you ready to share your holiday story of hope?

Debbie Rasmussen 1:43

I am Tamara. Hi.

Tamara Anderson 1:45

Hi. And I'm so excited to have Debbie back on the show. She came on a couple of years ago. And I'll be sure to link that episode in the show notes. So if you want to hear Debbie's entire story, you can go back to that. But today, we're just going to kind of focus on Christmas a little bit. And so I thought I'd break the ice today with Debbie, why don't you share with me a holiday tradition that you have in your family?

Debbie Rasmussen 2:09

Okay, so this was my favorite tradition. I don't know if my six kids would go along with that. When I first got married, I started tradition of buying an ornament every year for my ex husband and I for you know, for our family. So as the kids got older, I would buy one for all of them and put them in a little box. So they would have a set of ornaments when they got married. That was my goal. However, as that increased over the years, we had this little ceremony where I would get the ornament out and tell the story of the ornament. So you have to realize that by the time we'd been married like 20 years, and kids are like, seriously? We went through this tradition. And we did it every year. And we always had hot chocolate. And it was just it was a tradition when we decorated the tree that we did that. And it's so funny to hear the kids now. They're just like, yeah, mom used to make us sit down, and pull out the ornaments. And by the time you're 10, you've got the entire thing memorized from the time she married dad. And it's just, it was just but it was fun. It is one of the things they all remember good or bad. I don't know. But there you go.

Tamara Anderson 3:14

Oh, that's so cute. I love that. And I know that's one of the things our family does is we collect ornaments when we go travel different places, you know, and so I have a Grand Canyon ornament. And I have you know, this, that and the other ornaments. So it's kind of fun to be able to collect ornaments and share those, but I don't think I've ever thought of the idea of buying them for the children as well. So I really like that thought.

Debbie Rasmussen 3:37

The other thing too is at the end of it, I always read it that I remember that story, The Littlest Angel, we always read that story with the book and I had six little angels. So they would put their own angel on the tree. And so that it just kind of I don't know, I think I get the warm fuzzies when I think about it. So it's really fun. And I still have the ornaments, I still have. In fact I'm gonna make a little showcase of them. So I don't put them on a tree anymore. I'm just gonna make a little 25 years of ornaments that we're all together. So

Tamara Anderson 4:05

Oh, that's so sweet. So we're going to kind of go back in time here a little bit and I'm going to let you introduce this Christmas where life was a little bit different and and then let you share why that was so meaningful to you.

Debbie Rasmussen 4:20

Okay. Okay, so when I was five years old, I remember this like it was yesterday. This is what's so interesting is I haven't forgotten any of it. I was sitting in the on the kitchen floor. This is the morning after Christmas. And my sister and I were playing with our new dolls on the floor in the kitchen and my mom was washing dishes. And what I remember distinctly is my mother's all of a sudden turning around, grabbed our coats and federal codes on us and literally it felt like she was dragging us out of the house.

Debbie Rasmussen 4:48

My dad and my brother had gone to Price. They were gone about 30 minutes away, my older brother. Then my oldest brother had gone hunting and I knew that with his friend And the friend's dad or uncle. Anyway. So the next thing I know we're in is called Peacocks. It's a store in wise living Orangeville, Utah. Sot it was kind of like the Little House on the Prairie stores how I remember it. And in the middle of the store was a big circle. And in it was, you know, those net Christmas stockings you used to be able to buy that had candy and toys in?

Tamara Anderson 5:21

yes

Debbie Rasmussen 5:22

Well what I remember is my mom wasn't near Denise and I right then. But Denise and I were looking in and I remember thinking, why are we looking at Christmas stockings? When all of our toys are home? I remember thinking that. And all of a sudden, and I remember Mr. Peacock, sadly, there are I think it was him as a man behind me.

Debbie Rasmussen 5:39

All of a sudden, the door came open and it was snowing outside really bad. And our Bishop poked his head in and said, "Fawn, we can't find Brent." And that's all he said.

Tamara Anderson 5:48

Is that your brother?

Debbie Rasmussen 5:49

My brother? Yeah. And my mom grabbed Denise and I again, dragged us out to the Car. I remembered Literally, I felt like she threw us in the backseat. And I remember we fishtailed all the way to my aunt Normas where she opened the door and shoved us in the door and left. And that's the last thing I remember that of my mother at that point, but later that night, you know, is back at the party lines because I'm really old. And I was sitting sitting on my grandma, my great grandma's Stiltson's lap, and my sister was asleep on the couch. And I believe my brother Greg was there by then too, but I don't remember I just remember if he was he wasn't in that specific room.

Debbie Rasmussen 6:28

And I remember my aunt on the phone and she just burst into tears. And she said, "so they're all dead?" And something in my five year old little brain knew that my brother was dead. I don't know why, but my great grandma was rocking me. And sidenote, I have that chair that she was rocking me. And that was saved for me.

Debbie Rasmussen 6:46

So anyway, what I remember after that is something very interesting as a five year old is that all of the Christmas trees were down. And all the Christmas lights in the entire town were taken down. It was a very small town. There were no more Christmas trees and no more Christmas lights on anybody's houses at all.

Debbie Rasmussen 7:04

And what had happened was these two boys, they were both 12. And they had gone hunting. And it just they'd got brand new 22s for Christmas. And so my mother given permission for Brent to go with his friend Earl, and they went up to the mountain and up there Earl's uncle owned the coal mine. And I've just not too far from Orangeville up the canyon. And they were up there hunting and an Earl's dad was up there too. And then started to snow. And I guess it's starting to Blizzard. And so he said the boys you want I'm gonna go down and get some lunch. Do you guys want to come with me and you want to go in the mine?

Debbie Rasmussen 7:41

Well, Earl's uncle was blasting that day. There were two mines and they're the old mines if you pitch it back again Little House on the Prairie time. There are old mines with no cement. They were just you know, holes. And he was blasting from one to the other so that he could they wouldn't have to take their donkeys out with the coal into the snow they could go because they both had in mine. And I guess he said there'll be fine just sent to the back of the mine. So I guess they put hard hats on and said into the back of the mind. It wasn't particularly anything unusual for kids to do that in the in that day.

Debbie Rasmussen 8:13

But anyway, what had happened is he blasted and it when they when they got the call when somebody heard the blast, and I'm sure that Earl's dad went back up there and they the entire town from what my mom told me dug all night long with picks and shovels trying to get into that mine to get the boys because they had put their guns on the outside of the mine, just stood in there and anyway they Mr. Robertson was his name and he was crushed inside the mind I guess it crushed on him. But the gases everything went to the back of the mine and they found the boys at the very back of the mine.

Debbie Rasmussen 8:52

And these are just bit and piecess when we were with my parents tell me. But my brother was facing away and Earl was facing so my brother was the only one that had an open casket funeral because they were all burned so bad. And Brent I remember him being orange when I saw him

Debbie Rasmussen 9:09

But what I remember my dad telling is that when he picked up and carried him down the hill, and all he said was to my mom was "his face is dirty." That was it. So they had a joint funeral for the boys and then they had a funeral for Earl's dad. And I remember the funeral I remember being in the cemetery I read because they buried him on one grave here and one up here. So they were they have a family plot above ours. And it was just very sad.

Debbie Rasmussen 9:45

And I remember my parents being so sad. And at that time they did viewings in the home. So the casket was in our living room. And I remember the the funeral director saying, Does anybody want to say one last goodbye? And like you like I'm five. I'm like, I will. And I remember I jumped on the side of the casket, and I stood up and put my hand on him, and I remember him being cold. And It startled me. But you know, you're five, you don't quite get what's going on.

Debbie Rasmussen 10:11

So anyway, the significance: my parents, it was really hard on my parents, and my brother, too. It wasn't as hard on me. I don't remember that much about it afterwards, because I knew Brent was gone.

Debbie Rasmussen 10:23

And so this significant, of that whole thing. But this last year, I've noticed people, I've not really paid attention. But I'm going to this is what I do on this day, because my mom died. Or this is what I do on this day, every year, because--and it is always something, it's never a celebration, it's always kind of thing sad. And it hit me that my parents never mourned my brother on Christmas that we were aware of. In fact, my mother probably celebrated even more. And so Christmas was always a huge day. And people said to me, it must be a really hard time of the year for you. I'm like it isn't. And it never was for my mother. Don't misunderstand that she didn't remember, because she did. But it was never displayed as this is such a sad time. Brent was killed. and never, ever, and I, I really credit my parents for that. Because it could have been a completely different thing.

Debbie Rasmussen 11:14

And then, fast forward years later, when my dad was 57, he died on Christmas morning.

Tamara Anderson 11:18

Oh, my God.

Debbie Rasmussen 11:19

So again, we could have taken that day. But You know, every Christmas morning, I think my dad, I remember that I found out at nine o'clock that he died. But it's never a sadness. And I really attribute that to my mom and dad, because we never turned Christmas into a mourning for my brother. And, and Brent wouldn't have wanted us to, I'm sure. Its, you always remember. Every December 26. I remember that experience. But I've never, I've never sat down and just mouned it-- ever.

Debbie Rasmussen 11:49

And even the next Christmas after my dad died. I remember thinking that I was really sad. But I didn't want that to be a sad day for my kids. Because the year that happened, it was sad. And my kids were, my youngest son was two. So my daughter was 12. And so it could have been really sad. But it wasn't.

Debbie Rasmussen 12:09

And so that's, I think that's what my whole idea of sharing about Christmas is that that incident did not ruin the celebration of Christmas for my family. And I do, I know it does other people because I even had a friend not too long ago say, I hate Christmas, because that's when my brother died, I think was her brother. And I, I can't imagine--it's hard to lose a parent. But I can't imagine losing a child like that and still going on. And but my parents knew they had other kids. And I think I think my whole thing of sharing that is that we shouldn't we don't need to take a day and mourn every year. And berate these holidays that come because something sad happened on that day. Does that make sense?

Tamara Anderson 12:51

Yeah. Well, it really is a testament also, not only to your mother's ability to do that, but probably a testament to her faith. That the whole reason one of the whole reasons we celebrate Christmas is because Jesus Christ came to earth and he helped us overcome both sorrow and sadness and loss and death. And it's amazing, I'm sure, I almost wish we could bring her into this conversation and just say, How did you do that? You know what I mean?

Tamara Anderson 13:24

Because that would have been really hard. And, and ultimately, it probably just boiled down to her saying, I love Christmas enough and I want to pass the joy down and not the sorrow. Let's celebrate the reason we're celebrating this is because of Jesus Christ, and not focus on the sorrow. We can be sad. And I don't think it's that you should never ever be sad. But that but that you have a choice, you can focus on the joy or you can focus on the sorrow. And there will be moments when you focus, and you feel the sorrow and grief. But then you can also pivot and remember the joy that because Jesus Christ was born, we too will see him again will have a perfect resurrected bodies someday. And that is something to rejoice in that we'll be together again. Do you know what I mean?

Debbie Rasmussen 14:21

Yeah, it's true because there are there are times when I think of Brent I think of the sadness of my parents that it makes me really sad. But I have other friends who have lost people on Christmas and it's completely different. And I kind of think that sometimes people are surprised that that's not a sad day for me but it's not even losing my dad that day it's. Yeah the memories there but it does it didn't damage the holiday and I think you're right. It I admire my parents spirit in going on like that, because that's been on my mind, literally for months about different people that mourn the day that person passed away. I don't know. We all We don't need to do that. I don't know, thats just it.

Tamara Anderson 15:03

well, and you know what I've also attended funerals where it's super sad. And I've attended funerals where it is more of a celebration of their life. And so I think you probably feel differently at different times. But again, there's a choice involved in that.

Tamara Anderson 15:18

Now you have a favorite Bible verse about Jesus Christ that you wanted to share today. Would you mind sharing that with us?

Debbie Rasmussen 15:26

Yeah, of course, it's my faith has been my favorite Bible verse forever, is Proverbs 3: 5-6, and is, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. And whenever I get discouraged about anything, that verse comes to my mind.

Tamara Anderson 15:50

And it's very appropriate with what you've just shared too, you know, that, that when these the hard things happen, or we have a death or something like that, that happens around Christmas, or around Thanksgiving, or the holidays, where we're trying to focus on gratitude or trying to focus on Christ, it's a good reminder that God is going to direct our paths, and He's going to direct the paths of those we love. And that we can lean on Him and trust that this path, whatever our path looks like, whatever it is, even though it might not be very fun, is is a path that God can be with us on that journey. And I love that, that invitation to be with Him on those holidays, invite Him into your grief and your sorrow and invite Him to heal you. Because that's really why Christ came to the earth was so that so that we wouldn't have to go through these hard things alone. And that we can find joy. Even in the mourning.

Debbie Rasmussen 16:51

Well I think it's hard sometimes to turn that over to God. You know that. I mean, it's hard sometimes. But if you just I just try to remember those special, "Trust in the Lord. And He shall direct thy paths." That's what always, of course, the whole two verses, but those two sentences. And it's hard, sometimes I have to go okay. You know, so. And I'm sure that's what my parents did. But I just know that, as children, we don't have that sadness. And so I'm grateful for that. I am so grateful for my parents, to not have to turned to Christmas season into a mourning season. Hmm.

Tamara Anderson 17:27

Great example, great example. One other quick thought, before we wrap this episode up is, I've been thinking a little bit if you are perhaps one of the people out there who feels like you have to celebrate an anniversary in grief and sorrow that that is where you are right now. But I want you to also bring in what Debbie has taught us today and realize there is a choice with that. And if you want to choose to bring more joy into that anniversary, that you can with God's help.

Tamara Anderson 18:01

And often when I have to make a change like that, where I'm changing from a negative emotion, I'm feeling inside my heart to more of a positive one, especially if it's like something like forgiveness or something like that, that I have to ask God really helped me with that. And it begins with the desire, the desire to have that change happen, even though you might not feel it in your heart right now. So if you're grieving someone, and an anniversary is coming up of a death, or a divorce or something like that, and you want even just a small amount, a desire that you want to change that from a negative to a positive involve God in that process. Because he can help you plant that seed of change and move it towards something that you can feel more peace about.

Tamara Anderson 18:54

Now, Debbie, before we go, you have some books that would make awesome Christmas presents. Would you mind sharing really quickly about those and where we can find them and where we can find you.

Debbie Rasmussen 19:04

I'm happy to share that. So my website is AuthorDebbieIhlerRasmussen.com and Ihler is IHLER. The books I've written the trilogy is Mistic Trilogy. It's there's three books Mystic Angel, Mystic Lake and Mystic Mansion. And this is a story really quickly just about a young couple, young teenage kids. Their family moves from San Clemente to Tennessee and she sees spirits it's just a it's a mystery. It's a paranormal mystery. And it's a fun adventure. It really is. I had fun writing and I get so many people buy those books a lot. There's two backstories right now that go with those. So that's a set of five at this point.

Debbie Rasmussen 19:45

My next series I started last year is called Nessumsar Family - Legend of the Crow. And that's Rasmussen spelled backwards. And what I did is I wrote a story for each of my grandkids in 2014 for Christmas. I didn't know want to give them. And I let them choose a superhero, and wrote them each a little story. It was just fun.

Debbie Rasmussen 20:05

And I've read them to different people, and they are like you should make it, you should make that into a book. So I redid the whole thing and expanded on it. And that was the first one Legend of the Crow. And then the second one that was just being released. Well its been released, but it's called Imminence has actually been published, but it's been released. And that is the next story. There'll be eight in that series. And what's fun about that one is I have adults loving it, but down to like 10-11 year old kids, they really like it. So I started a little club called the Superhero Crow club. And I send them a little gift each month, that kind of gives me hints, and it's going to kind of change in January, I'm going to add, they'll get hints about the next story coming up the different superheroes because these kids. I have 17 grandkids, so each of them are there. And they all work at the CIA and the FBI. And because there's so good at their skills, now they have handlers and they get to go out by themselves. They don't have to have FBI agents with them or anything. It's been really, really fun.

Tamara Anderson 20:59

Oh, my goodness, that sounds awesome. So if you have somebody on your Christmas list that would enjoy those kinds of books reach out to Debbie, are those books available Only on your website? Are they also on Amazon?

Debbie Rasmussen 21:12

I was gonna say they're on Amazon, they're on. You can get them in Barnes and Noble.com. Some of the stores carry them but most of them are .com the walmart.com Any place that I found out that there's dot.com Those books are there because Ingram were republished, spread gets them everywhere. So yeah, you can get right on Amazon. And if you Google Debbie Ihler Rasmussen that brings them all up. Or sometimes if you if you Google Mistic Trilogy, you will bring something else up. There's a couple of them out there, but mine is the best.

Tamara Anderson 21:41

Not that you're biased or anything. Yeah,

Debbie Rasmussen 21:43

I know the author. Okay.

Tamara Anderson 21:48

Well, thank you so much for joining us today and for sharing this holiday story of hope and reminding us that we can celebrate Christmas, for the reason of Christmas-- remembering Christ at any time. And it can bring us joy even amidst sadness.

Debbie Rasmussen 22:07

Thank you, Tamara. Thanks for having me.

Tamara Anderson 22:11

In my friends, are you looking for a meaningful Christmas gift this year? If so, you need look no further I have a fantastic sweet short story. I am so excited to share with you my new booklet it's called A Broken Down Holiday. This is the story of a widowed young mother trying to travel home for the holidays soon after her husband dies, and being stranded in the middle of nowhere. And some of the hard things that she experiences and some of the miracles that you wouldn't think are miracles that she had happen, that it is based on a true story that happened to my mother in law. It's great for those friends that you're just like, what do I get them something simple. That's under five bucks to great stocking stuffer. So if you want to share this message of hope with your friends or family members, check it out a broken down holiday on Tamara K. anderson.com.

Tamara Anderson 23:13

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website stories of hope podcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared or quote or a scripture verse that they really really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you're struggling with hope to carry on and have the strength to keep going. When things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, Remember God loves you.

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