Chani Barlow: If You Feel You’re Not Enough, Start Here!
Chani has had many experiences in her life where she has felt completely worthless and like she isn’t enough. She shares several amazing tips to help combat our inner critic.
Episode Discussion Points
A story when Chani felt like she didn’t measure up and wasn’t enough
“I’m a nobody,” feelings
6 Tips on how to combat those feelings
Hack—at the top of Chani’s “To Do” List every day she physically writes out the quote, “Do what you can do, in the best way you know and the Lord will accept of your effort.” —Gordon B. Hinckley
How we are not perfect, but God can help and heal and inspire hope.
Steps to Battle “I’m Not Enough”
Feel the Feelings and sit with them for a minute. It is important to name them and acknowledge them, cry over it, but work through the feelings.
Get it out of your system. Journal either on a computer (on an "Icky Page") or a journal. Some people talk it out. Some people pound it out with boxing gloves at the gym or exercise.
Connection with Friends, Family or others. You can connect in person (this is best) or talk on the phone. Be real and authentic. It takes a village to healthily get through life. You don’t have to do it alone.
Connect with God. God loves us and wants us to do better. Be real and authentic with God too—tell Him the good, the bad a nd the ugly. “He doesn’t need formalities, He just wants to hear from you.”
Take the 50 foot perspective. Sometimes you have to step back and get out of your head for just a minute and ask yourself these questions: Is it true? Would everyone else around you agree with that? Are you giving yourself credit or grace for what you have donet? (Don’t just think about what you didn’t do.) Am I measuring myself up against someone else (comparing yourself to a Pinterest picture of someone else.) Compare yourself to yourself, and give yourself grace for your shortcomings.
If you feel you need to talk to a professional, then do it! Chani was able to get a lot of emotions out instead of keeping it bottled up. “They help you unravel the mess inside of you."
Get Chani’s FREE “10 Practical Habits to Tame Your Inner Critic,,” pdf download on Chani’s website: chanibarlow.com
Bible Verse
Story of father bringing a son with a dumb spirit to the Savior begging for help. Jesus tells the man that “all things are possible to him that believeth.” Then the man says, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:23-24)
I might not have perfect belief, but God can help and heal.
Connect with Chani
Website: chanibarlow.com
Get Chani’s book, Seeking Solace: Finding Hidden Miracles and Peace
Join Chani and I as we speak at the Enough Already Conference for Christian Women on May 13th in Las Vegas. For more information check it out here.
#worth #enough #impostersyndrome #innercritic #negativeselftalk #connection #journal #vent #prayer #grace #counseling #tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes
Transcription
You can find the transcription of today's episode here:
Chani Barlow 0:03
When I'm just ranting to myself, I'm not enough. I'm a nobody. I'm not enough. I'm a nobody. You take the 50 foot perspective, that's like, is it true? Really? Really? Is it true? Are you just really nothing? Are you nobody? If you're still saying yes, then he does the follow up question. Would everybody else around you agree with that? Would they? Really? You know, and then are you giving yourself credit or grace for what you did do right?
Tamara Anderson 0:40
Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host Tamara K Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.
Tamara Anderson 1:05
My guest today narrowly survived a terrible auto pedestrian accident as a teenager and since then she knew there must be a special purpose to her life. And she and her husband Keith have adopted three active boys and fostered an additional four foster children with various special needs and backgrounds. She is an author who writes about everyday miracles, and I'm so pleased to have her on the podcast again, will you please welcome Chani Barlow, Chani. Are you ready to share more stories of hope?
Chani Barlow 1:39
I'm ready. Thanks for having me back. Tamara.
Tamara Anderson 1:41
Oh, and this is so delightful. I have to tell you that Chani and I were blessed to meet in person just this past year. And we're able to go to dinner and just chat and, and so many things that we were thinking about and talking about. They they just align our goals align. And so I'm like, hey, I need to have you on again, because she has a really interesting topic to discuss today. Right?
Chani Barlow 2:04
I do. And when I thought about coming back on here, I thought about our little meal over chips and salsa and how I just wish we could be doing that now. So that's kind of what I'm picturing is that we're just sitting across the table and enjoying some chips and salsa just chatting with all of our friends.
Tamara Anderson 2:23
I know. So guys, this is chips and salsa moment. And we're inviting you to join us in our chips and salsa moment. Because we're gonna just have a conversation here that I think is pertinent to a lot of us. And this is the topic it is, if you feel you're not enough, then we're going to talk about what you do. So start here. So Chani. This is a feeling that resonates with a lot of people, we often our own harshest critic. And we feel like we're not alone enough in so many different areas of our lives. Will you mind taking me to a time in your life when you felt this way? Like you weren't enough? And maybe some of the concepts you learned that you want to share with us so that hopefully we can apply them in our lives so that we can begin to battle that negative self critic?
Chani Barlow 3:24
Sure, sure. So the hardest part for me was actually narrowing it down. This happens to me a lot is having this stuck in my mind moment. I guess I'm a ninja master at getting stuck in my own head. I I narrowed it down to a moment last year, actually. So I had applied online to teach at a at a conference. It was a week long conference. And what happens is presenters develop lesson plans that they teach every day for four days straight. And yeah, I'd never done anything like that before it was completely out of my comfort zone. But I I really went to work on those lesson plans. And I prayed about them. And I thought about them and I rehashed them with my friends and my spouse and it got to the point where it was time to submit them. And I saw that I had to put little titles on each of the days presentations, just a little thing I had to put titles on them.
Chani Barlow 4:31
And so I thought I would pull up the last year's brochure just to see kind of an example of what some of the titles were, how long they needed to be. And as I flipped through that brochure, I saw all the presenters and every single presenter every teacher on there, had all these letters after their names. PhD, OSW, JD, MD, all these professionals professionals in their fields were coming to teach. And who was I, I just started getting this dark cloud kind of consuming me that I didn't fit in. I wasn't like any of these people. I was nobody, really. I hadn't gone to school for that many years, I'd finished college, but I didn't have all this specialized training, not enough to, to be teaching alongside these fantastic people. I lacked credibility.
Chani Barlow 5:30
I had paint stains on my jeans, and my dishes still sat in the sink. And that was about all I had accomplished for the day. And so I wanted to read you this, this was my blog post that day.
Tamara Anderson 5:43
Oh, please do.
Chani Barlow 5:46
I start on my blog, Really, Who am I compared to these people? What can I offer someone of their expertise that someone of their expertise cannot? is what I have to say important? I don't have any credentials to back me up just a few paint stains. And then it hit me. I'm a nobody. I'm nobody. I've repeated it to myself several times today. I even called my husband in tears. Who wants to read my book anyway, I'm a nobody. Who am I to tell a story? I'm a nobody. What if they hate me? And so this is me a little bit bruised today trying to undo the clenched jaws, I'm going to step away and take a breather. And that's what I had written. That's really how I felt is I wasn't enough.
Chani Barlow 6:33
And that scenario has played out lots of times more times than I care to admit, in my life. Just one of those. I'm not enough experiences.
Tamara Anderson 6:43
Oh, yeah. Well, and I think we all have it. I know I've heard this called also as imposter syndrome. You look at all the other people there and you're like, I don't fit. I am just little old me. And so many other people have what I don't? Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 7:03
And so where do we start? Where do you start to combat that negative self talk that imposter syndrome? What do you do? What are the steps we can take to push it out of the way to start telling the truth about who you really are and the value and worth that we have? Where do you start?
Chani Barlow 7:23
Well, let me be the first to say that it's still an ongoing battle. It's I'm not a professional, anything, and I haven't completely conquered everything. And so all I can say is I'm in the trenches. I know what it feels like, I know what that darkness feels like, I know what that imposter syndrome. Feels like, I was gonna say a naughty word, but I didn't. I know what it feels like to fall short. And so I started writing down lists of things that worked for me. And so I'm going to share a few of them.
Tamara Anderson 8:00
Yes.
Chani Barlow 8:01
And this Tamara, please, if you if you want to chime in with your your thoughts to have things that work for you, that'd be great. First thing for me was I had to allow myself to feel those uncomfortable feelings that that I wasn't enough that I wasn't measuring up and just sit with those for just a minute. I think in the past, I just stuffed those feelings down and ignored them. And that was my way of coping with them. But unfortunately, they are with come back out somehow. And so to be able to sit with them to name them. That sort of sucks the power out of them that they have over you say you know, I'm just not feeling great today. And that's okay. Go have a good cry over it. Go do what you need to do. But But work through those feelings and really, really sit with them for just a minute. Don't wallow forever, but sit with them for a minute.
Tamara Anderson 8:59
Why do you think sitting with them is so important Chani?
Chani Barlow 9:03
Because I think that if you don't know what it is that you're trying to combat, then you're not going to have the right cure for it. So if I am battling really bad self esteem liking this, I'm not enough compared to these professionals. What's really going on here? Yeah, it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. Is it that I'm feeling a lack of confidence? Is it that I just really just need more time for me right then what what is it that I'm meeting what is my spirit meeting? What is my health needing to overcome this? And so
Tamara Anderson 9:44
I love that I love that the first thing you do as you pause, it's okay that I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling and then figure out what why it is you're feeling the way you're feeling. Sometimes I've noticed that for me If I write in journal about it, I like actually on a piece of paper, I mean, I guess some people talk it out, I'm a writer. And so I write it out in my journal, that really helps me dive in and try to understand why I'm feeling that way. Sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time, the inner issues that I have tend to go back to traumas from my childhood. I don't know. But for me, it's like, okay, this goes back to sixth grade when you were being bullied. Am I, dang it! I thought I was done with all of that. I thought I'd gotten rid of all the trauma from that. But obviously, maybe
Tamara Anderson 10:43
I think traumas are kind of like, you know how in Shrek, they compare it to layers on an onion. You're like an onion, you know, I think these traumas, we peel them away a layer at a time. We're like, okay, I'm good. I'm good. I got past all that trauma from sixth grade and being bullied. And I don't have to deal with it anymore. And then it pops up like a month later. And I'm like, gosh, dang it. I'm really not over it yet. You know. And so being able to journal about that, and maybe remove the next layer of the onion, I think sometimes, but you have to recognize what it is first and think about it, maybe pray about it. I don't know. And then journal about it. Those are just some ideas, because I think it's you're right, we have to sit in and identify what we are feeling. And take time to process that so that we know how to solve it, because you can't solve what you don't know.
Chani Barlow 11:37
Right?
Tamara Anderson 11:38
You know?
Chani Barlow 11:39
Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 11:40
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Any other thoughts?
Chani Barlow 11:43
Well, that actually just jumps right into our next topic was Get it? Get it out of your system.
Tamara Anderson 11:49
Oh, sorry. I jumped the gun.
Chani Barlow 11:53
No, no, no, no, not at all. So I'm a writer too. And when I was a teenager, I had what was called My icky page on the computer, it was a Word document. And I would just go in and just vomit the words and the feelings all over that icky page. And then it was out of my system. It wasn't just staying inside me, just this toxic things swirling inside me. And I do that now as an adult. And that's actually how my book got started was just this processing emotions on a page. And so some people, write, some people talk it out. Some people are talkers. Some people pound it out, they get on those boxing gloves, and they hit the gym and kick a soccer ball against the fence 100 times. It doesn't matter. Get it out of the system. It's It's poison, just to sit there and let it fester.
Tamara Anderson 12:50
No, I think you're absolutely right, we have to have a way to channel it. And you're right. I know, this morning, I was feeling a little anxious about my day. And just the busyness of it. And so I thought, Okay, I'm just gonna go get a quick exercise in and you can tell the level of my anxiety by if I go from walking to running. You know, because I'll be going along, walking and also I'm like, Okay, I gotta get more of this out. And so sometimes just moving faster helps me process it faster. So I like that idea of physically moving, doing something because it will often help us process those emotions more quickly. I'm feeling stressed. I'm feeling anxious. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling whatever it is, but just physically doing something on top of that, talking it out or writing it out. Because sometimes you need to do both.
Chani Barlow 13:50
Yeah, absolutely. Because your body has physiological responses to stress and yucky feelings. I mean, for me, I get those those knots like right here on my neck. Those knots build up into headaches and then the headaches make me just not sleep very well. And it just compounds and sometimes I have those panic attacks even and that's when I know Okay, I gotta get something out of my system. This is bad. Yeah, that's that's when I turn on the the hardcore playlist and Go Go Power walking and running.
Tamara Anderson 14:25
I love it. Well guys, see, here you go. You've had two people tell you these are good things to do. So try it out. If you haven't yet do do do some kind of purging as far as writing it out, journaling it out talking it out. Maybe you have a counselor you go to sign up, say I just need to come in and see you for another 30 minute session or our session or whatever it is, and then do something physical to help move. A Counselor once told us if you move your body you move your brain and so that that process that your brain is part of your body. And so as you're moving physically, it helps move these emotions through your body and out, helps you be able to manage them. And there are, like you said, there's physical, physiological things that happen, the oxytocin gets released, and you just feel better generally, when you do some sort of exercise. So, love it. What's next?
Chani Barlow 15:26
So, the next thing I have is connection, I think the best way to combat these feelings is to connect really, really connect with somebody. Now this could look like your spouse, your best friend, a family member, but especially with God. So let's take those in different segments, I guess. So connect with somebody. So you and I, I mean, we're having our chips and salsa right now, this is connection. And this is good connection. We're also just not in person. So to make it even one step better, would be to connect with somebody in person. And more than just surface level. Hey, how's it going? Fine. How's your day? That's, that's not connection. Connection is really opening up. And being vulnerable with how we're feeling and not being ashamed of saying those words, I'm not feeling great. I'm not feeling enough. I'm feeling kind of crummy about myself. And then really listening for their response.
Tamara Anderson 16:29
That is, that is a really, really good one. I have a quote to share. I've been listening to the book, who not how by Dr. Benjamin Hardy, this last these last couple of weeks, and he shared a quote about connection that I thought was very, very interesting. research clearly shows that your relationships, not your willpower, are what help you overcome something like an addiction. As writer and journalist Jonathan Hari famously stated in his hit TED talk, "The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection. Alcoholics Anonymous, AA for many addicts becomes an incredible resource of whose the addict is truly ready to change when they stop trying to do it solely by themselves. And when they openly admit they need help, both from a higher power and from other people." Isn't that beautiful?
Chani Barlow 17:34
I love that.
Tamara Anderson 17:35
I love that quote. And this one was specific to addiction. But I think any sort of negative habit, we're trying to change the same as true, right? That if we're trying to change the the process isn't just getting rid of the habit, it is replacing it with connection and people who can help us to change that. And like, and like you said, you have to be vulnerable. You have to be vulnerable with other people, you have to be vulnerable with God. And I know we will probably get to that next but but being willing to be real. And I will tell you my experience is the more real we are, especially on social media, instead of painting the beautiful picture, everything is glorious, and wonderful. And, you know, rainbows and roses and unicorns, and all that kind of thing, that we have posts where we say like you did in that blog, I am not feeling great today. And here's why. You know, and I've got to sit with this. And I've got to process this. And you know what, somebody else who's feeling that exact same way will go oh, my gosh, I'm not the only one look Chani is having that problem. And Tamara is had that problem. So it's not unique.
Tamara Anderson 18:55
It's not unique to me. And I think the adversary when we hit these, these challenging points where we're trying to crash as deep, deep emotions, and all that negative self talk in ourselves, he wants us to feel alone. And so feeling alone makes us isolate. I think that's why the pandemic was so hard. We just felt so alone. But when we connect with other people, when we do phone calls and zoom calls and get together personally, those are things that are just phenomenal, right? They help us feel okay, I'm not alone. I'm no longer battling this battle alone. I have resources. I have people who I can talk to who I can chat with about this because they're there to you know, we can do listen to podcasts about it.
Chani Barlow 19:47
Haven't you noticed that those those social media posts and admissions have not a perfect life that they tend to garner the most responses, right, you all were real, they're authentic and They're refreshing, because we're almost tired of seeing this polished version of everybody's life. Thank you for being real. Thank you for letting me see a real sight of you. I mean, you want real I can pivot my camera. This is my toy room, and there's the leg right now. Yeah, that's real. And I think we're hardwired for that connection, that real connection with people? Yeah, I don't think we were made to just be strong, independent women, isolated from everybody else, or isolated people from everybody else. I don't think we're made to be that way.
Tamara Anderson 20:39
Yeah. I love the old saying about raising children. It takes a village. Yeah. You know, I think we need to apply that to our daily lives everyday. It takes a village to just get through life. Right? It does. You're not meant to do it alone. And that whole idea that we have to do it alone is not correct gospel doctrine, I guess I could say, you know, it's not the doctrine of Christ, that you have to do everything alone. The whole principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ is you can't do it alone. I guess that segues into the next part of this topic does.
Chani Barlow 21:21
It does well, and before we do that, just think about if you had a child that came to you, whether it be one of your own children, or one that you love dearly a niece or nephew, and they say, Wow, I'm I'm just really feeling like, crap. today. I'm feeling crummy and not enough. What would you say to them? You're not going to be like, go work that out on your own. That's, that's what I say to myself. But I would never say that to my kids. And that's, that's not what we should say to ourselves when we're feeling that way. Amen. yourself as though you've got a child who's coming up asking for those those things. Right.
Tamara Anderson 22:01
That is very wise. Yeah. Give yourself a little more grace. I love that. Maybe pretend like it's a younger version of yourself that you're talking to? Hey, young Tamara. Here's some advice I would give you. If this was the child version of me coming up with this problem. I love that that's a really good image to paint in my brain.
Chani Barlow 22:24
Aren't we all still growing up, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Tamara Anderson 22:30
Let me know when you get there. I keep thinking I'll get there too. And I'm coming up on 50 here soon. So you know, I'm like, Oh, my word.
Chani Barlow 22:42
I'm 42. I'm not too far behind us. So we'll figure it out. Together. I know we will. Alright, so moving on to the next part connection with our Heavenly Father. Now this is vital, vital to seeing ourselves in a better light, right? He, we are His children. And he loves us. He loves us desperately. And he doesn't want us to hate ourselves or belittle ourselves to the point where we just can't stand ourselves. That's not what he wants. And when he wants us to do better, it's not in a critical way. Right.
Chani Barlow 23:24
And so one way that I've turned to the Savior is through prayer. And sometimes those prayers look a lot like what you see on on a beautiful picture and folded arms and and bowed head and on my knees. Sometimes it looks like I'm raging, and it looks like I'm yelling. And it sometimes it looks like I'm a hot mess, sobbing to my heavenly Father. Because I'm trying to be real with him to like, really, I am not doing well right now. And I'm trying to work on it, where I'm not trying to be angry at him, but still being open and pouring my heart out to him. I think that is not the time to be formal is when you're talking to Heavenly Father. He doesn't need formalities. He just wants to hear from him.
Tamara Anderson 24:17
Oh, I love that. And I think the sooner we can realize we can have those real conversations with God, the better. I had my mother in law come on the podcast the first year that I was podcasting and she lost her her husband when my when my husband was a little baby nine months old. And she was carrying a lot of those emotions inside. And finally an older and wiser woman who had also lost her husband said, have you talked to God about all these emotions that you're feeling? And she was just like, No! You know, kind of like, you can't talk to God like that.
Tamara Anderson 24:55
And she's like, You need to try that. And I think I think that is the best bit of advice right there is that we approach God completely, openly, completely, honestly. And here's the secret guys, he already knows what you're thinking. He already knows what you're feeling. So you may as well get it out. And so sometimes, like you said, it is going to look pretty. And sometimes it's going to look awful with big blotchy eyes and mascara running down to your chin and stuff like that. I've had those those kinds of conversations with God. And so I know this is a true principle when I share it with you because I too, like Chani I have have tried it. And I have come to God and vented everything out. But he is a great listener. And the cool thing about venting it to God is He takes us where we are, on whatever path we're on, in wherever our life journey has taken us. And he he will, he's a great listener. And he'll help us take the next right step from wherever we are right there.
Tamara Anderson 26:04
If you are in the pit of despair, he knows the next right step for you. And so just vent it all out. Get it out, purge it, right. This is the spiritual purging part, right. We've got we've talked about the basically doing something writing it out. This is the spiritual purging of it, right. Getting it out giving it to God. It's too big. I don't want to carry it anymore. I need you to take it helped me carry this burden. Here you go. Right.
Chani Barlow 26:38
Yeah, absolutely. And who better than somebody who loves you top to bottom, weaknesses and all to help you feel heard and understood?
Tamara Anderson 26:50
Absolutely. I love that. Oh, it's so true. Good job. What's next? Shawnee, please tell me.
Tamara Anderson 26:59
We're going to take a quick break. But when we get back, we'll have more lessons, tips and things you can apply to your life. Stay tuned.
Tamara Anderson 27:10
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Tamara Anderson 28:23
What's next Chani, please tell me.
Chani Barlow 28:24
I don't know that I've gone in the right rational order. But I put on here take the take the 50 foot perspective. And what I mean by that is sometimes when we're in the thick of things, it's too hard to see logically what's really going on around us. When I meet with my therapist, sometimes he says that let's take the 50 foot view. And so what he means is you take a step back, get out of your head for just a minute and start asking yourself questions. So when I'm just ranting to myself, I'm not enough. I'm a nobody. I'm not enough. I'm a nobody. If you take the 50 person 50 foot perspective, that's like, is it true? Really? Really? Is it true? Are you just really nothing? Are you nobody? And if you're still saying yes, then he does the follow up question. Would everybody else around you agree with that? Would they really?
Chani Barlow 29:30
You know, and then are you giving yourself credit or grace? For what is good for what you did do right? For how far you've come? Are you giving yourself credit? Okay, so the dishes aren't done in the sink? What did you do today? Well, you know, I got up and that was a big chore for me today. I got three wild boys ready to school and on time. That was a huge victory today. And then I did work for so many hours and that was is a victory. Give yourself credit for these things that you are doing. Give yourself credit, because at the end of the day, it's so easy for me to go, I didn't finish the laundry. I didn't get all the homework done with the boys. Oh, we forgot to practice piano. It's so easy just to think about all the things that you didn't do. It's a lot harder to think about what you did.
Tamara Anderson 30:27
That is so smart. I remember in one of the classes I took a couple years ago, they talked about looking at things that you're trying to judge like in yourself, but to do it with equal measure on both sides. Yeah. Okay. Here are three things I did really great today. And here's three things I could really have done better or improved on. And so giving equal weight on both sides don't list 20 Things that you sucked at, and one that you are good at, you have if you're going to do three on the good side, you need to just do three on the bad side, if you do three on the bad side, or things you need to improve, then list at least three on the good, so so that you're giving equal weight and measure to the good that you're doing. And yet you're recognizing I have room to improve as well. Sure No, absolutely.
Chani Barlow 31:26
Absolutely. And when I say the 50 foot perspective, it's the more logical approach, maybe even a scientific approach, you know, like the balance and getting it right on both sides. It's sucking that emotional draw out of it, like oh, I, I feel crummy because I didn't do these things today. No, well, let's take a 50 foot perspective and say, I didn't I really didn't get to these things today. It's okay, I got to these things today. And logically they do balance out. Because a lot of times logic is lost when we're so sucked into this emotional vortex of I'm not enough.
Tamara Anderson 32:04
So true. It's so true. Oh, I love that that 50 foot perspective and giving you and looking at both sides of the equation from that.
Chani Barlow 32:18
Absolutely. My thing. So in addition to this, so another question you could ask yourself is, am I measuring myself up against somebody else? A lot of times that measurement is an illusion, right? am I measuring myself up against the Pinterest version of my friend down the street? Because guess what, that's not real. It's really not. Their, their polished facade is probably covering up a lot of stuff that they're dealing with at the same time. And so what is it the comparison is the thief of joy. I grew up competing in sports, and everything was a competition. Everything for me was a competition. It's like, I beat so and so to the locker at school, I win. Or even I'll be sitting in even in church. And right now yesterday, or what day is it two days. My husband pulls up a scripture and I got it there first. And so I have to lean over, I win. Everything is a competition.
Chani Barlow 33:25
This is a huge, huge jump for me. And I hope that I'm not alone in feeling this way that I have a hard time not looking to the right or left and seeing how I'm doing looking for validation looking for justification. I just I want to know that I'm enough. But I don't know what to compare it against. And a lot of people say compare it against yourself. Yes, and you can, but sometimes my best differs every single day. When I'm sick with a cold. My best is different than when it's a Saturday and beautiful and sunny outside. My best is kind of a fluctuating thing. And so you have to compare yourself, but give yourself grace for the best changes during every phase of life.
Tamara Anderson 34:13
So maybe the best question to ask then is, Did I do my best to for today? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because only you can answer that. Yeah. And I love that give yourself grace, for your shortcomings. You know, one of the things that I've learned as I have been launching this business and podcasting more and writing more is that God will give me an idea of what my next big step is as far as okay, you need to now do this or launch this or write this. And sometimes when he gives me an idea, I'm like, Okay, I gotta get that done. Like like next week or next month, and, and I pressure myself like it has to get done immediately. And I know that there's certain things that have to get done in a certain time in order and stuff like that.
Tamara Anderson 35:12
But the thing I've learned, the longer I've kind of gone on this process with God is that He loves me. And he knows my time constraints, probably better than anybody else in the whole wide world. He knows that I'm still juggling kids with autism, he knows that I'm still juggling kids with mental health challenges and stuff like that. And so sometimes, often, those take priority over that goal that he's given me. And so as long as I'm living life in my right order, when I get it done is the right time. You know what I mean? And so I'm thankful that he starts inspiring me goals, maybe six months or a year before they need to be completed. Because it takes me that long to get it done.
Chani Barlow 36:02
And why is that bad? There's there's no shame at all in that. Exactly. Progress. It doesn't matter.
Tamara Anderson 36:09
Yeah. Yeah. Two steps forward, one step back some days, but at least I'm moving in the right direction I
Chani Barlow 36:17
and look how far you've come.
Tamara Anderson 36:19
Yeah, absolutely. And so I think I think that's what we need to look at is how am I doing for me? In the space that I'm in? Am I doing my best. And the great thing is, God understands everything else going on in your life, all the craziness. And he has grace for you. So maybe pray that you can give a little bit about grace to yourself?
Chani Barlow 36:44
Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a hack. So one thing that I do every single day, I write out a to do list. I don't know if some people still do that. But I do. I have my to do list. That's just how I live a busy, crazy life. But at the very top of my to do list, I write a quote, it's part of a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley. And I everyday, I physically write it out, "Do the best you can in the best way, you know, and the Lord will accept it."
Tamara Anderson 37:16
And so say that one more time,
Chani Barlow 37:19
I think it's "do what you can do in the best way, you know, and the Lord will accept it." And so if I put that over, you know, exercise devotional, take the kids to school, school, pick up piano lessons, if I do that, and then I have that quote, staring at me just do what you can do. And the best way, you know, and it's acceptable, right. Sometimes I only get like two crosses on that list. The Lord will accept it, right?
Tamara Anderson 37:51
Yeah. Yeah. Well, and if he accepts it, shouldn't we?
Chani Barlow 37:56
We should. We should.
Tamara Anderson 37:59
Yeah.
Chani Barlow 38:00
And that's what I'm working on.
Tamara Anderson 38:04
Well, we're all working on it. Right. We're all working on making progress on that.
Chani Barlow 38:10
Absolutely. And so I'm, I am trying to do doable steps like that, that will help me move forward.
Chani Barlow 38:19
One, one last suggestion that I had was, if you feel like you would like to talk to a professional about some of these feelings you have of I'm not enough or I'm not measuring up, do it. Absolutely do it.
Chani Barlow 38:35
I spent. So I've been through childhood trauma. I've been through the accident, infertility, adoption, foster all of these things. And I just shoved all of those emotions way down deep inside, and I never talked about them, or I rarely talked about them. And they just built up. And the pandemic sort of brought all those wonderful things out all at once. And I got to a point where it was like, you know, I'm either going crazy, or I just need to talk to somebody about it. It got to that point, I felt so ashamed that I would need somebody to talk to about these things. But I went, and it was amazing.
Chani Barlow 39:22
And it wasn't like this magical fairy land of aha, but it kind of was and I would do it again, in a heart I go all the time still trying to work through these things. And so I would just encourage anybody listening. If it gets to a point where it's so hard to manage, or even before then don't be afraid to reach out for a professional who can help walk you through those things. All they're trying to do is help you unravel the mess that's inside you. That helps you make sense of things.
Tamara Anderson 39:57
Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah, I 100% agree that and sometimes it takes time to find the right person to. I mean, some people are lucky and hit the right person first time. But don't don't feel frustrated if you go to one or two is a test run and you're like, Okay, I'm not jiving with this person. It's okay. Not everybody's gonna jive with the first therapist that they chat with, you know, it's so so. So be determined, and don't give up and find the right fit for you.
Chani Barlow 40:31
And be prayerful about it. And don't worry about hurt feelings or anything like that just to say, You know what, maybe this isn't the best fit, and they're fine with that. They're totally fine with that.
Tamara Anderson 40:44
I agree. This is great. Is there more?
Chani Barlow 40:50
There is more so I don't have more to talk about on the podcast by way of tips. But I do have on my website I've lived I've written a list, a PDF that you can print out for free of the Top 10 Practical Habits you can do to tame your inner critic. But these are just things that have helped me in that process. And we've talked about some of them. But there are other ones that you can do that are just easy things that you can apply to your life that might help you get through those feelings of I'm not enough and I'm not measuring up.
Tamara Anderson 41:25
I love that. So tell me what your website is.
Chani Barlow 41:29
My website is Chanibarlow.com, at chanibarlow.com. And then yeah, just click on that tab that 10 Practical habits and it's yours to keep. So I hope that helps you as you're going through things and
Tamara Anderson 41:47
love that. Now, before we go, you and I were talking about a wonderful passage of scripture that kind of goes along with this whole thing we've been talking about not being enough. And what do you do? Would you mind sharing that Bible passage, and and how that fits with everything we've been talking about?
Chani Barlow 42:07
Yeah, I'd love to. So this has been on my mind quite a bit lately. This is a passage in Mark 9. And this is the story of a man who brings his son to the Savior to be healed. And this son has had a they call it a dumb spirit or a certain spirit inside him that makes him thrash and foam and he throws himself into the waters and he throws himself into the fire pits. And it's gonna be just as a father, watching your son go through this, just heartbreaking just heart wrenching, it talks about the spirit tore this child. And I can't even imagine what that's doing to the Father watching his son go through this. So he takes him. And I imagine he probably has him in his arms as he's taken him to the Savior. And I don't even know how old he is, at this point, probably even a little bit older.
Chani Barlow 43:07
And the Savior is asking about him. How long has he been this way, since he was born since he was a child. He's been this way. And then Jesus said, If thou canst believe all things are possible to him that believe it. And straightway the father of the child cried out and said with tears, Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief. And what he's saying here is I, I might not have the perfect faith to conquer this hard thing. My child still is dealing with this. And I don't know how to cope with this. I'm doing the only thing that I can do right now to get through this hard time. I'm doing the best I can. And it's still not enough. Look at how bad he's suffering. Look at me look at how bad I'm suffering.
Chani Barlow 43:56
The Savior takes that child and heals him, even if the man doesn't have perfect faith. And even if he hasn't done everything perfectly, and even if he doesn't measure up to the professionals around him and even if he thinks that he the father is not enough, the Savior heals him with his perfect love. And he raises that child he takes the child by the hand and lifts him up. And everyone is amazed. And I keep thinking about that from my own life. I am not perfect my weaknesses sometimes seem to overwhelm me to the point where I do get those those knots in my neck and and those panic attacks. But the Savior is still there. He's still takes an outstretched hand no matter what.
Tamara Anderson 44:48
Wow. Thank you for sharing that. It's so heartfelt and so true and so applicable to each of us today because each of us In one way or another are falling at the feet of the Savior. And begging that same thing, Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Yeah, I have belief, but it's not perfect. And so please take what I've got and make it enough. Yeah, you know, absolutely. Oh, Chani, this is this has been so incredible and so wonderful. Now you have a book that has chest launching, and I'm so excited for you to tell me a little bit more about it. Would you mind telling me the title of your book and where people can find it? And all of that?
Chani Barlow 45:37
Yeah, absolutely. So my book is called Seeking Solace. And the subtitle is Finding Hidden Miracles and Peace When Life Doesn't Go as Planned. And the ebook launches, this may on May 3, and the printed book comes out on July 19, at all major bookstores and online, and on my website, and so if anybody is interested, that's where you can find it. It's actually my story of, like I said, it started out as just writing down my thoughts and some of these experiences that I had. It's the story of my family. It's the story of the miracles that came into my life, after it felt like everything had been taken away from me. And finding, finding that peace in what was that imperfect time. And so it takes us through up to about 2020, 2020. So it's pretty recent.
Tamara Anderson 46:40
that is awesome. And what a journey you've been on to write your story and share it with us. And I know that so many people out there will resonate with you and your story because you're willing to be real. And because when we're real, we find that connection that we were talking about earlier, that, Oh, I'm not the only one who's felt that way. And even though I didn't experience exactly what she's been through, I've felt alone. I felt like I'm not enough. I felt like maybe I'm unlovable or whatever it is, and and we resonate and relate to those feelings of inadequacy. Because we all have them, right?
Chani Barlow 47:21
We do. We do. And it's, it's hard to come on a podcast and, and express all these doubts that you have about yourself, or that it would be so much easier for me to put up these walls and say, I've got this figured out, it's no problem. I can get through it. And I can, but the truth is, is sometimes I don't feel like I'm enough. And I don't feel like I measure up and if that message can help anybody out there, then that's worth it. That's worth all the turmoil that comes with putting a book out there being brave enough to go on a on a podcast, is because we need that connection we need we need that bravery out there and it's just not there enough. I don't think so. Thank you for having me on here. I
Tamara Anderson 48:11
Really, guys, it's been such an honor to have my friend Chani on with me today. And if you are interested in hearing both Chani and I speak ,we're speaking together with a couple of other amazing women at the Enough Already! Christian Women's Conference in Las Vegas on May 13. Whether you're looking for a girls getaway, just say Enough already, I need a break. This is the place you want to be. And you will learn how to manage depression or anxiety, banish unnecessary internal guilt, find peace in unexpected places, recognize and build on your strengths and draw closer to God and feel his light. So if you're looking for a quick getaway, it's just an afternoon from like two to five on May 13. Come and join us in Las Vegas at the Enough Already Conference. You can find more information out at enoughalreadycomf.com So enough alreadyconf.com Sign up and meet us in Vegas on May 13 from two to 5pm
Tamara Anderson 49:20
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website stories of hope podcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript and one of my favorite takeaways. You know if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you You should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling with hope to carry on and have the strength to keep going. When things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember, God loves you.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai