Sheldon Mills: Stop Comparing Your Bloopers to Others Highlight Reel

Sheldon has battled depression, impulsivity and negative thoughts for many years, and in this episode he teaches tips and tactics to overcome these challenges and replace them with positivity.

Episode Discussion Points

  • Some of the fun things he has built with his kids

  • Mythbusting the perfect person/family

  • “Everybody is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

  • Satan is attacking more frequently

  • Comparing our blooper reel to everyone else’s highlight reel on social media isn’t accurate or helpful.

  • It is okay to talk about and reach out when we need help. There are so many people out there who struggle with the same thing.

  • We should be real on Social Media—don’t compare yourself to perfection.

  • Dan Sullivan and Ben Hardy’s new book, The Gap and the Gain, has made him realize that he has been unhappy with his progress because he is always measuring where he wants to be instead of considering everything he had already accomplished.

  • Quote from a talk he read recently called, Worthiness is Not Flawlessness, “Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said: “God does not need people who are flawless. He seeks those who will offer their ‘heart and a willing mind,’ and He will make them ‘perfect in Christ.”

  • Then Brad Wilcox continues, “So many have been hurt by broken and strained relationships that it is difficult for them to believe in God’s compassion and long-suffering. They struggle to see God as He is—a loving Father who meets us in our need and knows how to “give good things to them that ask him.” His grace is not just a prize for the worthy. It is the “divine assistance” He gives that helps us become worthy. It is not just a reward for the righteous. It is the “endowment of strength” He gives that helps us become righteous. We are not just walking toward God and Christ. We are walking with Them.”

  • Satan wants us to focus on our shortcoming and sins while Christ wants us to focus on HIm and how He can help us.

  • The story of how worthless he felt once when struggling with a compulsive behavior and he wondered if he was lacking in faith or if he was too weak for God to help him overcome. And although he didn’t get an immediate answer, God helped him figure out the next step with the feeling of hope.

  • How to discern between thoughts coming from God and those coming from a bad spirit—especially when you are reliving the same thought or conversation or worry over and over.

  • How Sheldon breaks the negative thought cycle by listening to audiobooks, General Conference talks, and being persistent (because it usually takes a while to break the negative cycle).

  • How if Sheldon can control his thoughts, and break the negative cycle, the positive feelings will follow.

    • First step is to recognize the negative thought pattern and realize you need to change.

    • Second, doing something to stop the negative cycle

    • Then feeling better should naturally happen.

    • Note: If you struggle with major mental health issues you may need to see a professional for help and medication.

    • Then, don’t feel guilty for having negative thoughts—everyone has bad and hard times.

  • How changing your perspective and looking at it differently—especially about those we interact with, can change everything. Sometimes we put thoughts and ideas other’s heads.

  • To change our perspective we need to get closer to the one being who has the best and clearest perspective—and that is God. He knows the truth.

  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you are struggling. Sometimes you may need professional help, and other times you may just need to cry on the shoulder of a friend.

  • Watch for earthly angels to come in answer to your prayer (and don’t tell them you are “just fine” if God is sending them to help you.)

  • In James Allen’s book, As a Man Thinketh, he gives the analogy of our mind being like a garden.

  • There are weeds in our garden, maybe rocks, and sometimes we need professional help to get rid of a particular weed.

  • You also learn to plant and nurture good seeds.

  • Sometimes the crap we go through actually helps us grow a better garden.

  • Because Sheldon has struggled with so many challenges throughout his life he finally asked God why he was so weak. The answer didn’t come until recently when he has been able to help and counsel a lot of youth. And he finally realized that because he had struggled with so many things he was a very empathetic listener and was able to help people genuinely. He finally became grateful for all those challenges from his youth.

  • “Practicing is part of the process.”

  • Focus on where we are headed and God will help us get there.

Action Item: Sheldon’s Special Weapon—A Hope Playlist

  • When Sheldon is feeling down, he has a series of different talks, motivational speakers, TED talks, music that he listens to which help him move toward positivity.

  • Having a set playlist or resources that is ready to go helps him be able to use it at a moment’s notice.

  • Assignment: Begin making your Hope Playlist

Contact Sheldon

Special Free Offer

If you’d like a FREE Kindle copy of Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan’s new book, The Gap and the Gain, go to Sheldon’s website and sign up for them to send you a free copy at https://www.ideagym.info/

Favorite Bible Verse

  • John 8:32, “Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free

  • Truth is truth and truth resonates.

#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #thoughts #change #powertochange #depression #negativity #positivity #Godhelpsus #Bibleverses

Transcription

Sheldon  0:03 

I can't always control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts. So if I can change my thoughts, usually the feeling will follow. Usually I can act myself into feeling, rather than feel my way into action, if that makes sense.

 

Tamara Anderson  0:22 

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.

My guest today is a devoted husband and father of five children. He co-hosts the Idea Gym podcast, which helps people incorporate great ideas to work in their busy lives. When he's not busy with his day job, serving in his church, or working on podcasts, he enjoys sports, playing board games, being outside, and building things with his kids. They have even done 3D printing, woodworking, and other amazing things. He lives in Utah with his creative and busy family. I am pleased to present Sheldon Mills. Sheldon, are you ready to share your story of hope?

 

Sheldon  1:24 

I am. Thank you for inviting me on.

 

Tamara Anderson  1:27 

Oh, this is going to be so fun. I was blessed to be on the Idea Gym podcast a couple of weeks ago. I said, “Hey, I need to interview you guys as well.” So we're kind of doing the podcast swap thing. I'm really excited to have Sheldon on with his amazing story. But before we dive into the nitty gritty, let me ask you, just to break the ice question. What is one of the funniest or most memorable things you built with your kids? Because you say you have these projects you do with your kids.

 

Sheldon  2:01 

Yeah, yeah. Oh, goodness. Actually, let me just give you a couple recently. So for Halloween, making costumes, my son saw this image of a giant mac and cheese. So we have a bunch of foam cores. We made this, you know, five-foot fork.

 

Tamara Anderson  2:18 

Oh my goodness.

 

Sheldon  2:21 

So we're always building stuff out of, I've got a bunch of foam core for my job, a bunch of stuff. So we're always building forts and huts. I guess we've actually done quite a few bigger projects. One of the ones we just did recently is a set of stall bars in our playroom downstairs.

 

Tamara Anderson  2:40 

Explain to me what those are. I don't know.

 

Sheldon  2:42 

I guess it's like a Swedish stall bar. So you see it a lot in like, old school, gymnastics and stuff. It's just basically, it looks almost like a wood ladder. So you can stretch and things like that. I'm very inflexible, and I want to become more flexible. It's like one of my ways to try and like encourage myself to do more yoga.

 

Tamara Anderson  3:03 

Oh, there you go. That is so fun that you're able to feed your kid’s creativity because kids need creative outlets nowadays that don't put them behind a screen. Right?

 

Sheldon  3:15 

Right, right. We're lucky enough, when we moved in to this house a few years ago, I remember posting a couple pictures, because I mounted a couple swivels and things to the ceiling. So a couple of ropes and swings. So there's pictures of my kids swinging around, like kicking the ceiling, swings, and things like that. I had a friend comment and be like, “Of course, if anyone had rope swings in their house, it'd be you.”

 

Tamara Anderson  3:43 

That's awesome. Now, don't tell my kids, because they probably would have wished for something like that when they were little because, oh, my goodness, with my kids’ ADHD, they were all over the place. Giving them some place to swing it out would be good. Although we did have a swing in my son Nathan's room for a while because swinging is something kids with autism really enjoy. So we put a swing. We just hung it from one of the support beams in his room and it worked great. Then he just started getting so big that we need to find a better solution because he's quite big now. But I still want to put another swing up. So that's on my to do list in this house. We had a metal frame, but he started bending it, and we've got to figure out a better solution because he loves swinging.

 

Sheldon  4:31 

Well, there are ways to do it. I think you could probably do it in your ceiling. If you need help. I can show you, I can point you to some links.

 

Tamara Anderson  4:41 

That'd be good. Oh my goodness. So when you're not building, finding amazing things for your kids, no. I thought the best way to tackle you and your amazing story today was to say that today we're going to do a little myth busting. I think one of the most common things we do as people is we look at certain people, whether it be at church, or at work, or in the community, and then say, “That person and that family, they have it all together, and everything is beautiful and perfect in their lives. There is nothing wrong there.” So I thought I would pick you to help me bust this myth.

 

Sheldon  5:29 

That’s good. I could definitely do that.

 

Tamara Anderson  5:33 

I think we look at other people and think that exact thing. I remember when my kids were little, and we would try to sit quietly in church. We were never successful, by the way, when my kids were little. Now we can, but back then, not even a chance. We would look at this one little family and they all just sat perfectly still. I remember even having those same thoughts myself. I'm like, “What am I doing wrong?” You know, obviously, I did not have it put together then and nor do I now. So what do you say when people say, “Oh, look at Sheldon and his family? They have it all put together perfectly.”

 

Sheldon  6:19 

You know, when we first talked about this, and after listening, I listened to your episode with Jennifer Finlayson-Fife and a couple of others. I'm a big fan of hers, by the way, I think you knew that already. There's such amazing stories of overcoming hardship and hope. There's that first initial glance where I was like, “I don't have anything like that.” Do you know what I mean? Like your story with your children. Sometimes you hear these things and, you know, you almost stand in awe, like what people have done. You think, “Well, I'm not that good. I'm not that.” But as I was thinking about this, from the outside, I think a lot of people look at me, my family, and through comments, I've come to this realization on outward appearances. It feels like I've got it together. Right? But when I get to talk to people, and you really kind of open up, you realize, like, everybody has a story. Like everybody's fighting a battle that you know nothing about. Everybody. And I guess for me personally, even though on the outside, you know, may look okay. There's been times in my life, sometimes seriously, where I’ve struggled with depression, and doubt, and fear. Frankly, most of my life, I've felt pretty inadequate, right? And whether it's just weakness or mistakes, you know, AKA sin. I guess, you know, for those who feel broken, or not enough,  those are my peeps. So I think there's a message. It's like saying, there's so much doubt, and discouragement, and distraction, also, but it makes everybody feel like they're just not enough.

 

Tamara Anderson  8:20 

Yeah, no, and I think you're absolutely right. It seems to be, I don't know, increasing in intensity lately. Well, I think I think Satan knows that the Second Coming is coming, and that he's got to up his game. But that means that, you know, we also need to up our game. We're trying to follow Jesus, but we're getting these attacks, you know, constantly, more frequently, from places and things that probably didn't exist 50, 100 years ago. Depression alone is rampant, it seems. I know it touches my personal family, my extended family, touches you, I'm sure your family. So how do we fight this battle, Sheldon? First of all, I think talking about it is good. It kind of brings it out in the open. It dispels that myth that, “Okay, Sheldon is perfect. Tamara’s perfect.” No, we're not. Just saying. But I think talking about it really helps. What do you think?

 

Sheldon  9:30 

Oh, hands down. I think it's funny, in a digital age, where in some ways we're more connected or at least better informed, that what's going on somehow is also isolating. It amplifies the comparison aspect. I think it’s human nature in us to compare our blooper reel to everyone else's highlight reel, right? Because that's what you're showing. That's what you're seeing. I think being able to connect, and be vulnerable, and share, we have a hard time opening up, and asking for help, and admitting that we're struggling in whatever area. If someone ever does that to you, but almost universally, we don't judge them. We don't think less of them. If anything, we think, we're, like, proud of them, and look up to them that they've opened up about that, right? So I'm trying to figure that out. Why does it seem to be so hard, when we're struggling, to reach out, to connect, to ask for help, to find a community? Because I guarantee there's a community who have similar challenges, similar struggles, and could help you, could  buoy you up, right? Why is it hard to do that?

 

Tamara Anderson  10:55 

I think because we have to be raw and vulnerable. In our culture, it is the shine. Shine everything up, put it on Facebook, or social media, and that is my life, when the reality is we probably should post those dirty sinks, dishes everywhere moments. Or, you know, here I've been laying in my bed, and it's 2:00 in the afternoon, you know, because I'm struggling with depression today. We should post those, you know, because it makes us more real. Then somebody else who's struggling with that same thing goes, “Oh, I'm not alone. Hey, look, they struggle with that, too.” So, you're right. I think Satan attacks us in our minds a lot of the time to say, “You are alone. Nobody else is struggling with that. See, look, proof on social media right there.” The truth is, social media isn't 100% accurate.

 

Sheldon  12:01 

It's funny, we can know that, right, even focus the conscious to try and be aware of that, but too much time, I mean, the studies have just shown that that increases feelings of isolation, depression, you know, just loneliness. So it's funny, in my job with the podcasts, like, social media is something that I don't use a ton, but I know a fair amount about. I still find myself in those few times when it's like, you're on Instagram. That's what I'm on, I guess, the most, it's not a lot. But at the same time, you know, if we're not conscious of what we're doing, you just mindless got on there, and it's like, “Oh, so and so's on vacation. Oh, so and so just did their PR this marathon.” I don't know, it's hard not to start to feel like we're just not enough. Because everybody else, there's somebody, everywhere, that does everything better than you. Doesn't matter what you're great at, you will always find somebody that can do it better. Have you been able to listen to or read Ben Hardy and Dan Sullivan's new book, “The Gap and the Game?”

 

Tamara Anderson  13:26 

I have not read it yet. It's sitting on my nightstand though. It's in the queue.

 

Sheldon  13:31 

Okay. It's in the queue. Yes. Well, I've read several of his other ones, I know you have too, and I bring this up because I know you're a fan. But I feel this is very relevant to kind of what we're talking about. Because so many of us, it's like we don't celebrate the progress or the things that we've gained and we've done, and we're forever focusing on the next thing on our to do list or where we're falling short. We're focusing, as he says, on the gap instead of the gain. Hmm.

 

Tamara Anderson  14:01 

So would you mind taking me back to a point in your life where you feel like you were focusing more on the gap and how you were able to eventually come around to focusing more on the gain?

 

Sheldon  14:14 

Gosh, I feel it's something I struggle with still. I found that I tend to, it's funny you asked me at the very start some of these great things I've done with my kids. Honestly, I had to, like, think about that, right Because it's something I've actually done a lot. If I took the time to think about it, I could come up with a lot of things, but I tend to always be focused on what's next. No matter how much I crossed off my to do list, I realized that I've never, like, I live in this perpetual state of dissatisfaction. I've never been able to actually cross everything off. So I feel like this is something I'm trying to learn right now. We all have different seasons and times. Honestly, this is something that’s come very much to the forethought, because I've been trying to find like, frankly, like, how can I find more happiness in life? How can I find more peace and joy? I feel like this is one of the things God has said: “Hey, it's because you focus, not on, your progress, but still where you lack.” You need to be aware. I mean, it's hard to grow in a vacuum. You have to know. But again, God helps us. Our shortcomings are blind spots. There was a talk that was given just about a month ago titled, “Worthiness is Not Flawlessness.” I'll send you a link. I'm sure she can.

 

Tamara Anderson  15:53 

That's a good title. Say it again.

 

Sheldon  15:56 

“Worthiness is Not Flawlessness.”

 

Tamara Anderson  16:00 

I like that. Yeah. Okay. Tell me what you found so resonating about that talk.

 

Sheldon  16:09 

Yeah. Well, actually, I want to read just one little section. So Dieter F. Uchtdorf, is one of the prominent leaders in our church. He said, “God does not need people who are flawless. He seeks those who offer their ‘heart and a willing mind’ and he will make them perfect in Christ.” “So many have been hurt by broken and strained relationships that it is difficult for them to believe in God's compassion and long-suffering. They struggle to see God as He is - a loving Father who meets us in our need, and knows how to “give good things to them that ask him.” His grace is not just a price for the worthy. It is the “divine assistance” He gives that helps us become worthy. It is not just reward for the righteous. It is the “endowment of strength” He gives that helps us become righteous. We are not just walking toward God and Christ. We are walking with them.

 

Tamara Anderson  17:00 

Wow. We could pull that quote apart the entire show. So tell me what nuggets from there really meant something to you?

 

Sheldon  17:14 

Yeah, there's a story. I won't spoil the story, because it's a good one. But he talks about a young man, that in his struggle, you know, felt hopeless, wanting to give up, and felt like a hypocrite. Through a couple, I think, divine conversations, you're not a hypocrite for falling short. If you're trying, that doesn't make you a hypocrite. That makes you a disciple. There's something profound he said at the end is like, I spend a lot less time thinking about, like, where I fall short, and thinking about Christ, and how He makes up the difference for those who always feel like they're never enough. Satan wants us to focus on that. He wants to focus on where we're falling short, and our imperfections, and our sins even. Christ says, “Look unto me in every thought, doubt not fear not.” So I think there's some nugget secret that I'm still trying to, like, tease out and figure out how to really apply. There's another quote that I love, it's like, preoccupation with sin can like lead to more sin. Sometimes focusing too much on where we're falling short, or weakness, our gap, leads to more of the gap, right? As we focus on Christ and study Him, His gospel, it will help us. It's kind of like, it's just light that comes into our lives that pushes out the darkness.

 

Tamara Anderson  18:43 

Wow. So let me ask you to take me back to a time in your life then when you felt very lacking and how you were able to maybe lean on Jesus Christ to get you through that. Do you mind sharing a story?

 

Sheldon  19:02 

Sure. I don't want to give specifics. But there was a time when I was struggling with a compulsive behavior. Let's say we'll leave it at that. I felt very worthless. Many people struggle with different compulsive behaviors to varying degrees. I just felt completely worthless. Especially when you feel like you should know better, right? I do believe in God. I do believe in Christ. I do believe He can make me whole. Am I lacking in faith? Am I just that weak? I mean, I remember going out and after a particularly bad weekend, or a week, or something, and just pouring my heart out to God and saying, like, “Why am I so weak? Hey, I've prayed about this 1000 times. Why?” Immediately, I got nothing, which is disheartening. But it's funny how, you know, going back to prayer, like, I believe that God answers prayers, but it's not always in the moment that I feel like I need it. But it always comes when I really need it, I guess. I didn't get any clear answer. I kept going. And I kept praying.

I feel like this has happened enough times, this pattern, that God will always answer. He'll always give me another step of what to do next, or wherever I'm at in my progress, like this is the next thing you need to focus on. Always accompanied with that is the feeling of hope. Every time I felt the clouds, and the storms, and the life, like, blocking the sun, you know, funny is the metaphor here, a little burst of light has come through to give me hope, to give me enough courage to keep going. Without doubt, something that day, that week, will give me another step to help me get better, to help me make progress. Yeah, always. I guess that, if I could, there's one message I could give people. It is the crux of your podcast. Hope. And that is God is listening. No matter how distant He seems, He's always there. He wants to answer questions. He wants to help us find answers. It's not always easy. It's never easy.

 

Tamara Anderson  21:57 

No, it's not, is it? There's so much in our world that's distracting. So my follow up question then would be, because it seems like when you're pouring your heart out to God, and when you're in these deep and dark moments, how do we search for and be able to hear those spiritual, I don't know, nudges? Or those little beams of light. How do we find those when we're feeling so down and dark? You mentioned prayer. I think that is like, amazing and so powerful, both being totally honest with Him, and listening for answers. What other things have you found that have helped you be able to place yourself in a mood or a space that you can feel that next spiritual nudge or that burst of hope?

 

Sheldon  23:07 

Oh, yes, that's a good question. When I am in my depressive thinking… Depression, in particular, can be as varied, and different, and unique as there are people, so I'm speaking particularly how I have experienced it. I think back to the fruits of the Spirit, right. Far too often, I think, in my immaturity with God, things that made me feel guilty and less than, I mistook that for feelings coming from God. But if you go to the scriptures, it talks about the fruits of the Spirit lead to hope, happiness, encouragement. I have found that if ever there is a thought or a feeling that depresses me, that's coming from a bad spirit. That's not coming from God. When something makes me feel less than, that doesn't give me hope, then that's not come coming from God. So if my thought patterns, again, speaking, personally, if my thought patterns are making me feel that way, and I think most people have experienced to some extent, it’s like, you run these conversations or the scenarios through your mind and you realize you've like, relived the same bad experience like a dozen times. You've had this argument/conversation, you know, with somebody or with yourself, or the scenario.

Our thoughts feel very personal to like who we are, but they're just thoughts. To a certain extent, I've realized that when I'm in this mood, I'm going to end this pattern. I shouldn't be trusting my thoughts. So one thing I find is I do a lot of stuff, so I don't have to feel alone in my own thoughts. It's to break that loop, that bad cycle. I listen to a lot of books on tape, a lot of discussions and talks from General Conference. Twice a year, there's a couple of weekends where our Prophet or leaders of the church share what they feel is needed. There's several hours worth of like a bunch of different talks on different subjects. So listening to those, I find it usually takes three or four, it takes a while to finally break my cycle of thinking, but once I can get out of that, like, I feel better. I feel different. I can't always control my feelings, but I can control my thoughts. So if I can change my thoughts, usually the feeling will follow. Usually I can act myself into feeling rather than feel my way into action.

 

Tamara Anderson  26:02 

Wow, that is deep. I almost need like a moment to digest that. So you think your way into feeling instead of feeling or way into action. But that's true, because our thoughts lead to actions. So if we're constantly dwelling on those negative thoughts, then our feelings are generally negative. I had an interesting experience. The other day my husband was traveling, and my kids were all off gallivanting around except for Nathan, our son with low functioning autism. I was just kind of in one of those having a pity party moods, you know. I just felt sad and discouraged. Could have been that time of the month, I don't know. But I remember thinking in that moment, I'm like, “I need to go do something. I need to go serve someone to break me out of this funk.” Because you can't always control how you're feeling. But you can think through something and say, “Okay, if I do a small act of service, or if I put positive thoughts in my head, it will naturally change the way I feel inside.” So I did. I went and I'd made some banana bread that day, I cut some pieces of it up and I took it to a friend of mine. We ended up sitting there chatting and laughing probably for an hour or more. It was great. I left that and guess what? I felt better. But it was the thought, “Okay, I have got to change something.” One of the things I've leaned on in the past is if I do a little active service, I tend to feel better. It worked.

So I'm hearing this same thing from you, that changing your thought patterns, listening to audio books, listening to motivational talks, listening to scriptures, motivational music, positive, uplifting music. Just something to stop the negativity and move us into a more positive state of being. Because we all have down days. Yeah. Holy cow. So it's figuring out how to get out of that, stop that downward spiral.

 

Sheldon  28:20 

And not beating yourself up for having those. You know what I mean? I think some of us, a lot of us, feel guilty, that perfectionism, you know, we feel bad for feeling bad.

 

Tamara Anderson  28:37 

So then we feel guilt on top of sadness and depression.

 

Sheldon  28:43 

Yeah, I think it's the Jim Rohn quote, it's like, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” All of a sudden, I can think so different about something, what's happening becomes different. How I feel about it changes.

 

Tamara Anderson  29:01 

The change in perspective, then, yeah. Do you have a story where you changed your perspective on something and it helped? We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back, we'll have more lessons, tips and things you can apply to your life. Stay tuned.

My friends, are you looking for a meaningful Christmas gift this year? If so, you need look no further. I have a fantastic, sweet, short story. I am so excited to share with you my new booklet. It's called, “A Broken Down Holiday.” This is the story of a widowed young mother trying to travel home for the holidays soon after her husband dies, being stranded in the middle of nowhere, and some of the hard things that she experiences, and some of the miracles that you wouldn't think were miracles that she had happen. It is based on a true story that happened to my mother in law. It's great for those friends that you're just like, “What do I get them?” Something simple that's under five bucks. It’s a great stocking stuffer. So if you want to share this message of hope with your friends or family members, check it out. “A Broken Down Holiday” on tamarakanderson.com.

Do you have a story where you changed your perspective on something and it helped?

 

Sheldon  30:29 

I think this happens all the time to me. Okay, I’m not sharing anything overly personal here, but I think this is common to every relationship. My spouse is wonderful. But obviously, we are two different people. We have agency to act and choose, different wants, desires, so innately there will be conflict. I say that in the terms of like, we have differing viewpoints, differing opinions, differing wants, not necessarily contention. I think that's more of a choice. But there's gonna rub up against things. Too often, I've had this this mental, you know, it's like, you start talking in your mind, it's like, “Oh, this is how they think. This is how they feel.” And then you get this almost, like, self-righteous thought, the victim mentality, or whatever you want to call it. Then all of a sudden, inevitably, my wife will do something very generous, very kind, that just like blows that perception out of the water. I'll recognize, I'm having uncharitable, you know, the little bit of resentment I'm feeling is 100% in my mind. Which is both amazing in some ways, and disheartening, in other ways, because it's like, I have to realize that the only thing that's a problem is how I'm looking at the situation.

 

Tamara Anderson  32:08 

I can totally see that. I know that we've taken a couple of my kids to counselors through the years, and they often talk about changing the way you look at things in your mind. Sometimes we look at something and it gets set in stone in our mind, like, “This is how it played out. That is how they felt.” We put feelings into other people that they probably don't have. But because we observe them, we think, “Oh, they are totally mad at me. They're never going to talk to me again. They hate me.” We awfulize the whole situation. That is the way it is in our brain when the reality is they don't feel that way at all. They might have completely opposite thoughts and feelings, but we have put thoughts and feelings into that situation that really weren't there. So what is the trick, then, to change in that perspective, Sheldon? I mean, seriously, because it's not something that comes automatically. Automatically, we kind of put these thoughts and feelings into it. How do we figure out the truth of it? You know, it talks about in the Bible, you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. So how do we? How do we find the truth?

 

Sheldon  33:36 

Yeah. Rarely do we see things how they really are. We see it how we are. Going back, scripturally, it's like we see through a glass darkly. There's only one being, at least in my view, who doesn't have tainted glasses, and that is God. So the closer we get to God, truly get closer to Him, the clearer our views. The more we become like Him, the more we can see things clearly. Don't get me wrong, there have been many instances through history, and I think it's easy to mistake that and actually warp that, again, of Satan, and deceptions where it's like, people feel that they're following God when it's really an excuse fo prejudice, and discrimination. But I think ultimately, ultimately, the closer we can align ourselves with God, the clearer our views become.

 

Tamara Anderson  34:39 

I think you're right. I've never thought about it quite in that way before. But I think you're absolutely right. Because the closer we are to God, the more charitable we are. He invites us to love all people. If we're loving them, it's kind of hard to hate them. Hopefully we can then feel better love back towards us. I think that's another challenge, in and of itself, is not only viewing people through His eyes, which I actually pray for that every day, “Help me to see people as you see them.” But then the challenge is none of us are perfect. So we're gonna have moments when we react angrily or frustrated. We're hangry sometimes, or whatever it is. Okay, so we can control our thoughts, though. We're down to that.

 

Sheldon  35:39 

I mean, I'm not saying that's easy. For me, it's not. I think for everybody, it's not. But that's what we have control over. I found that I just don't always have control over how I feel. But what I can do is I can disrupt those cycles of thoughts. It's taken me so long to, and I still struggle with this, to realize when that needs to happen. Again, going back to “The Gap and the Gain.” Whenever I'm in this, you know, when I'm focused too much on where I'm falling short, when I can turn that back to gratitude and the progress I've made, and how Christ makes up all the difference, then my thoughts get better, and I can do something about it. Maybe the first step is actually to recognize it.  You talked about how do we do that? Everybody's journey is different. But I think for myself, I've had to, you know, tried to study like, a little bit of, like, psychology minor. There really are a lot of like incorrect thinking patterns that get in the way, like catastrophizing, like all or nothing thinking, and, you know, “I should do this, I should do that.” There's a lot of incorrect thinking errors. But I think for a lot of people, just being able to learn what those are, and recognize those in your thought patterns is probably a good first step to being able to kind of discern the fruit of the Spirit, as I would call it. Whether it's uplifting, it's bringing you happiness, joy, it's giving you energy, rather than it's making you depressed, making you feel like you can't, like you're not enough, and you'll never be enough.

 

Tamara Anderson  37:28 

Yeah, no, I think you're right, recognizing it is this first step. Second step would then be doing something to stop the negative cycle. We've talked about several of those things. Then the feeling better naturally happens. Now, if you or someone you love has a chemical imbalance, please seek medical attention for something like severe depression, because you may need something like that to help stabilize your mood. Or if you have Bipolar tendencies, I mean, there's a lot of challenges.

 

Sheldon  38:05 

Yes, people, ask for help. Too often, we try and do everything, again, back to this isolation thing. It's like we think if we can't fix it and do it ourselves, we're less than. We're broken. That's just not the case. No, man is an island. Everybody who's ever done anything has been built on the shoulders of giants. So, ask for help.

 

Tamara Anderson  38:29 

Yeah, no, I think you're absolutely right. I think when we pray and ask for help, that often sends friends, or family members, or people who love us, sometimes even complete strangers to help us but we have to be willing to let them in. Sometimes I'm sure God is up there going, “I just sent that person to help you and you're like, I'm fine.” You know what I mean? “No, no, I just had them call you because you were praying and crying. You needed help. And then somebody calls you because I prompted them to and you're like, ‘I'm good. We're all right.’” I put up this facade. Like everything is dandy. I don't know if  people say dandy anymore, but, you know. So watch for angels and watch for the answers to your prayers. Once you start asking for help and seeking for help, whether it be professional help, or maybe you're just having a tough day, you know, ask for help and it comes in interesting ways.

 

Sheldon  39:34 

One of my favorite books of all time is James Allen, “As a Man Thinketh.” He throws out, it's pretty quick in his book, but I've thought about this a lot, this metaphor of our mind. Our mind is like a garden. We can't control especially I mean, kids, our upbringing, like your garden plot to a lot of extent isn't always under your control. Your upbringing, maybe there were boulders thrown on it, you know, you had neighbors throwing trash. You can't always control that. What you can do is make decisions with what you've got. A lot of us, again, I was talking about compulsive behavior, struggle with some specific, noxious, painful weed that keeps coming back and back. We try, and we fail over and over again. At that point, hopefully, we're wise enough to say, “Hey, I've tried to get rid of this weed in my garden of my mind by myself 1000 times and it's still prevalent. Maybe it's time I asked for an expert to help me.”You get better, you get stronger as you keep pulling weeds. You get better at identifying, you know, with help, often with the help of the professional gardener. I think the metaphor of the Master Gardener. But particularly people who have been trained, specialized in this particular noxious weed, or come in with an excavator to help dig out the rocks, or whatever it is. You asked for help, and there's all these things, you get better at identifying. Someone helps you better identify the weeds, so you can get it when it's early rather than when it’s, like, 10 feet tall and 1000 pounds. There's a lot of stuff like that. I think we have to be open to ask for help. Maybe not even just a professional. It's just like, “Hey, this is overwhelming. Neighbor, mom, dad, sibling, can you help me?”

Like we have these things that bring us pain, that are troubling that we're trying to get rid of. At the same time, going back to focusing on Christ, just like a real garden, you could never spend all your time weeding. Nothing will ever grow. So I feel like this balance of not only learning how, and actually spending time to rip out the stuff that's causing you hurt, pain, you have to spend time and focus, water, energy, sunlight, focus on the things you want to grow. So there's a certain amount of, like I was saying earlier, it's like focusing on Christ, focusing on His gospel will help simply just push out some of the bad stuff. This is this give and take and pull of spending time on growing what you want to grow, but then you can't neglect weeding, either. It's a really good metaphor, it's like you do have to spend time. You can't do either, or you have to do both.

 

Tamara Anderson  42:48 

No, you're absolutely right. I love gardening, so I'm visualizing, you know, in the Spring, planting specific things. If you plant like a cover crop, it's going to take over that area, and nothing else is going to be able to grow because I specifically planted this thing, and it's going to grow big, and nothing else underneath is going to get sunlight so it won't grow. So being very specific in what we want to plant and nourishing that plant. I love that. That's actually I think where hope comes into this is instead of focusing on this problem that I have, this weed, I want to now grow this part of my life. Maybe it is, I'm going to focus on learning everything I can about positive thinking, or reading or listening to positive books. Or I'm going to develop this hobby where I do woodworking, or in my case gardening in what little spare time I have, or podcasting, you know, whatever it is. But that ends up taking up so much time that the weeds just don't have time or space to grow there. Because life is busy with good things. I love that garden analogy.

 

Sheldon  44:17 

I mean, it's kind of habit forming 101. In order to change something, you can't just try and eliminate the thing you want to eliminate. You have to replace it with something better.

 

Tamara Anderson  44:26 

Yeah. That would actually be a really good discussion with God or a loved one. “Hey, I want to develop a new habit or a new hobby. Help me brainstorm some good ideas.” Because once we start into a hobby, it gives us hope. Hey, look what I did. I learned to do this. If I can do this, then maybe I can do something else a little bit harder, a little bit better. So you're building yourself with positive things. It's good. I love that. Wow.

So we have talked a lot about thoughts leading to actions. I think we busted the myth that Sheldon is perfect. And that Tamara is perfect. But here's another thing that I think we need to talk about at. And that is that we're all broken. If you think somebody is perfect, you don't know them well enough yet. And that God loves all of us. I think this is one of the lessons you mentioned that you learned, is that God loves all of us and can save all of us.

 

Sheldon  45:50 

I remember at one point having this conversation with God and saying, basically, “Why am I so weak?” I feel like, to one degree or another, big or small, I’ve struggled with just about everything. Why am I so broken? I didn't get a good answer in the moment. But years later, especially, what I do now, I have the opportunity to counsel a lot of people, especially youth. I found that my experience of feeling broken, and with my different struggles has made me so much better of an empathetic listener, and able to understand the struggles that people are going through. For the first time in my life, a few years ago, I think I finally felt grateful for my brokenness, essentially. Everyone's broken. Sometimes we think, “This is an unusual story,” that someone goes from rags to riches, broken, this terrible situation, to rising above. But my argument is, like, that's why.Their garden, like the crap that they've gone through, is the nutrient that has grown their garden, right? We need to quit looking at as being, “I'm broken, less than, and like that is the obstacle in the way,” in essence. That is what helps us become better. There's only one way to coast downhill. Hardship and stretching, honestly, is the only way to grow. Somehow it’s easy to see it in a lot of these metaphors. But when it comes to our own life, it's like no. I’m either a concert pianist playing at Carnegie Hall or I shouldn't try at all. No, no, no. Practicing is part of the process. Failing, it's not really failing. It's just growth. So once you can change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and all of a sudden, this feeling of being broken, no, that's experience. That's growth. That's part of who you are to make you as wonderful a person as you are now. And you will become.

 

Tamara Anderson  48:32 

No, I love that. And God loves broken things because He loves us. He's gonna be with us and stand by us through everything, and He loves you and your brokenness.

 

Sheldon  48:51 

God can save sinners. He can save the weak. He can save all of us. The only thing He can’t save is those who choose not to. I think we have this picture that in the next life we’re like trying to convince God to let us into heaven. I think it's going to be exactly the opposite. He's saying, “Come to me. Be like me. Use my Son's Atonement to change you, to want to be here.” Ultimately, we are going to be where we want to be. Ultimately, God gives us what we want. Anyone who truly wants to put off sinful behaviors to follow Christ, whether in this life or the next, He will give them an opportunity to do so. In the ultimate sense of things, like, no one's going to feel gypped. People are going to be what they want. So it's less about where we're at now, and more about what we want and where we're going. Too often, we measure ourselves by our relative distance to God. We should throw that measuring stick away and just focus on where we're headed. Maybe if we're going to measure, measure backwards the things where we've made progress and the things where we've gotten better.

 

Tamara Anderson  50:15 

So Sheldon, you were just telling me that you have a special weapon that you use when you're especially discouraged. It's some kind of playlist. Would you mind describing it to me? Because I think this would be a good idea for anyone to put together. Why don't you tell me a little bit about your playlist?

 

Sheldon  50:38 

I have this playlist that when I'm feeling particularly down or hopeless, I’m just not feeling that connection to, my higher purposes and to God, that I will go back and listen to. I'm happy to share that with anybody who's interested. It’s a series of different talks, and discussions, and things, but I find it very helpful to have this plan of attack per se. Because I know myself. I mean, my ideal is to not feel like this ever again. But realistically, I know that there will be times when I do. So I think having that plan of like, “Okay, when I'm feeling this way, these are the resources I go to, to find hope, to feel better.”

Tamara Anderson  51:30 

I love that. Okay, everybody out there, you have to make a hope playlist. That’s your assignment in the next week is start thinking of things that you've either listened to, it could be music, it could be talks, could be TED talks, maybe there's some motivational videos that have been very impressionable to you, that you've seen through the years. Make a list of those, link them, and maybe put them in a document. You can make a reminder list and just put it somewhere that you can access it so that on those dark days you have your hope playlist that you can turn to. Hopefully, there's people on your hope playlist too, that when I'm discouraged, it's good to reach out to this friend of mine, she's always so positive. You know, maybe there's people involved in that playlist or whatever.

 

Sheldon  52:27 

I really liked it. I've never thought of it until you described it like that as a hope playlist. But basically, it's like your plan of, these in particular are like discussions, and talks, and music, and stuff like that. But it needs to be more than that. Really, like you're saying. I think a lot of us do that. It's like, they have this person that they lean on. When times are hard, you group together. Community. So yeah, hope playlist, a hope plan.

 

Tamara Anderson  52:56 

Yeah, I love it. Okay. All right. Before we go, would you mind sharing us with us your favorite Bible verse? I know you've shared a whole bunch so far, but share with us a Bible verse and then how people can contact you after the show.

 

Sheldon  53:12 

Yeah. I think this is probably a lot of people's favorite verse. John 8:32. “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Going back to our discussion about seeing truth, things as they really are, how they really were, how they really will be, at least that’s how I like to define truth. God is the only one who sees it all perfectly. As I seek for truth, I think truth resonates with us. Doesn't matter where it comes from. It's truth. That's true. So, whether it's from scripture, whether it's a TED talk, whether it's a good book, like the truth resonates, and I want to be a seeker of truth, a pusher of truth. That's my favorite verse.

 

Tamara Anderson  54:09 

This ties perfectly into your podcast. Tell us a little bit about Idea Gym and obviously your contact information with regards to that.

 

Sheldon  54:18 

Tamara was on there, so you got to check out her podcast because it was amazing. Her episode. First and foremost, go to ideagym.info through the podcasts. You can contact me, or my email as well, which is sheldon@ideagym.info. And if anybody wants to reach out, again, I'm not the guru. I probably don't have a good answer, but I'm really good at pointing people to others who are more knowledgeable and better than I am.

 

Tamara Anderson  54:52 

That's very wise. And before we go, you have an amazing, free offer that you want to offer the listeners of my show, so why don't you tell me about it?

 

Sheldon  55:02 

Yeah, as we know, you're a big Ben Hardy fan. We're big Ben Hardy fans. HIs latest book that just came out, like I think we talked about it, “The Gap and the Gain,” which has been, for me just amazing. The audio version, just FYI, there's like two and a half hours of audio conversation between the two authors, Ben Hardy and Dan Sullivan, which I'm loving that. But what happened is we got a lot of these Kindle versions of the book when it was on sale for 99 cents. So we bought a whole bunch of extra ones and are giving those away. So anybody who goes to our website, ideagym.info. It's just an email. Long story short, you can get it for free, Kindle version of “The Gap and the Gain.” I think you'll love it, especially if this episode resonated with you about, you know, trying to find happiness, and our growth, and progress rather than focusing and where we're falling short.

 

Tamara Anderson  56:10 

Oh, that is such an amazing offer that you have and we’ll put that in the show notes. So you can get a free Kindle version of that.

Well, thank you so much, Sheldon, for coming on the podcast. We're busting the myth that, you know, there's perfect people out there because there really aren't and that we're all broken, but that God loves us in our brokenness and that we improve. Remember that.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on, and the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.

 

You can find the transcription of today's episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/sheldon-mills-stop-comparing-your-bloopers-to-others-highlight-reel

Tamara AndersonSelf-Worth, Self-Improvement, mental health, God