Krista Isaacson: Courageously Trusting God With Heavy Burdens

Krista Isaacson had 30 hours from the time her two-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor until she passed away. She shares her incredible journey of faith and learning to lean on God through this unbearable burden.

Discussion Points

The crazy shenanigans Krista’s daughter Elora got into as a young girl
The day everything changed
The blessing of having family close by to help, support and love.
Battling between extreme fear and faith
Her thoughts while pacing the floor waiting for diagnosis
Juggling grief upon diagnosis while watching her daughter battle for life
How God helped and sustained her through two sleepless nights
How she felt angels with her
An agonizing decision when she didn’t want to pray to know the answer
Courageously submitting to God’s will
The sacred moment of death
The downward spiral Krista went through and what pulled her out
Be patient with yourself on your journey

Lessons Learned

God can see what's coming on our path, and He puts things in place ahead of time to soften the blow, to help us endure the hardship, and so that we can see his hand and know he's with us.
How Krista thought God was asking something horribly cruel of her when Krista had to choose to take her daughter off of life-support. But this decision opened the door to one of the most sacred experiences of Krista's life.
WE DO NOT have to carry burdens alone. Christ has enough strength and love to help us all. And if I let him pull the heaviness alongside me, I find rest and my burdens become light. He will walk beside me and you always if we ask him to.
Heaven is real, and we WILL see our loved ones again someday.

Comforting Bible Verses

John 14: 18-- "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."
Psalm 55:22-- "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee."
Matthew 11: 28-30-- "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest until your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Resources for Those Struggling with Grief

Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Chuck DeKlyen and Pat Schwiebert
I love this picture book. A beautiful, simple parable accessible for all ages, educating readers about the grief process, and granting permission for each person to grieve individually, uniquely.
The Gateway We Call Death by Russell M. Nelson
President Nelson, a world renowned surgeon and special witness of Christ, provides a better understanding of death from both medical and theological points of view. An excellent source for questions about death and the after-life.
The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox
If ever we need reassurance of Christ's love and power to heal, it's when we are grieving. With love and a touch of humor, Brother Wilcox reminds us that the Savior can and will do all he has promised and that he'll be with us continually.
"How Firm a Foundation," Hymns #85, particularly verses 3, 4, 5, & 7
This is Krista's favorite hymn for strength during trials
"A Gaelic Blessing," by John Rutter, performed by the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=njzAEaJFzrY
When I need peace, I often listen to this beautiful song.
We Can Live With God Again, YouTube Video
Krista and her husband were blessed to participate in this church video about our belief that life continues after we die, and that we will be reunited with our loved ones.

Connect with Krista

https://www.kristamisaacson.com/
Facebook: Krista Walker Isaacson
Instagram: @kristamisaacson

#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #braintumor #death #deathofchild #faith #angels #courage #prayer

Transcription

Krista Isaacson 0:03

So while he was changing his clothes and and telling me about his day, Elora stirred and kind of moved a little bit and groaned. And I looked at her and she went back to sleep. That happened three more times. By the third time, she was moving quite a bit and making a very strange sound. So I called Travis to the bed and said, "Honey, look at that, just look at this and see, I don't think this is normal." So we waited very concerned. And sure enough, she had a grand mal seizure.

Tamara Anderson 0:37

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments. My guest today is a felicitously married mother of six children, including a daughter who has earned her angel wings. Raised in the California Bay Area, she came to Utah and attended BYU where she met and married her husband of 25 years. She is an award winning author working on the publication of her first book, "An Unbearable Burden," about the loss of her two year old daughter to a cancerous brain tumor, only 30 short hours after diagnosis, and how God carried her and taught her to survive that loss. She loves leading the children's music in her congregation and serving on a women's conference service subcommittee which has opened her eyes to the myriad of service opportunities around us daily. I am pleased to present Krista Isaacson. Krista, are you ready to share your story of hope?

Krista Isaacson 1:59

I'm ready. Thank you for inviting me.

Tamara Anderson 2:01

Oh, well, this is going to be so fun. And I'm so thankful that you're willing to come on and share your story today. But before we dive into the hard stuff, let's talk about something fun. You have a special cabinet in your house where you have a very unique collection.

Krista Isaacson 2:17

It's actually sitting right behind me, for those of you who are actually watching right here.

Tamara Anderson 2:23

Tell us about it and describe it.

Krista Isaacson 2:27

It's ia very special cabinet. I've been collecting rocks, dirt, shells, birdnests, since I was a little girl, and I think my parents didn't understand what was going on when I was little. But as I was older, I started to put them in jars and boxes and label them and I keep them in this special cabinet as a reminder of all the beautiful places I've been in this world and what a beautiful place that God has made for us to live. I love it.

Tamara Anderson 2:51

Oh, that is such a fun thing. What are some of your favorites that you have? Do you have favorites? I don't know. I

Krista Isaacson 2:57

I do have a few favorites. So my daughter served a mission for our church, a proselyting mission in Tahiti and while she was doing a service project clearing some land for someone who lived there, she found a little bird nest nestled in the grass. So she put it in a little cup and she saved it for me and brought it back from Tahiti. So that's pretty special. I love that one. And then I also have a little jar of dirt. My middle son, he is a marine. You become a marine after you do, it's called the crucible. It's three or four days of just grueling, no sleep, very little food, a lot of physical activity, and at the very end you climb this hill, and when you put your pack down at the top, you become a marine. So he had a little jar ready and he scooped up some dirt right at that moment from the place he put his pack down and brought that to me. So I've got some special things in my collection. Yes.

Tamara Anderson 3:56

That is such a great idea. Now I wish I had one. It's never too late to start right. Maybe I will. Well, let's dive into a little bit of your story. Why don't you tell me a little bit about your daughter Elora?

Krista Isaacson 4:13

So Elora is child number four of six and she is the one that was quiet mischief. Anybody have a child like that? The one like that the house is too quiet you know that something's going on. Right? So she loved to suck the two middle fingers on her left hand like this, so she was quiet in that she always had those fingers plugged in her mouth. But she loved to get into trouble. At about 18 months she learned how to climb the shelves in my pantry to the very top where the fruit snacks are hidden. So she could climb up the pantry. I had to call Poison Control twice on her. She would get into like the bottle of fluoride and ate all the pink ones, things like that. But I think her biggest mischief was just the July before she passed away. I just finished cutting my boys hair for the summer and I put the clippers down to carry my son to the shower. In the two or three minutes, I was gone, she got the clippers, turned them on, and managed to buzz the entire front of her hair. So I was kept busy keeping up with her for sure.

Tamara Anderson 5:30

So when did you first notice her dealing with challenges?

Krista Isaacson 5:36

So the truth is, there were not a lot of symptoms. I'll talk about this later, but that ended up being kind of a tender mercy in a strange way. But there were just little things. I had just had a baby, baby number five, and he was about four months old. Elora had started to throw these tantrums. I have older children that suffer from some mental illness challenges. I was just thinking, "Maybe we're headed into something like that, where she's just having a hard time dealing with her surroundings, or something hard is going on." But I was concerned enough. I'd taken her to the doctor. He did an exam, didn't find anything unusual except for that her tonsils were really big. He called them kissing tonsils. They were so big, they were touching. He thought, "Well, maybe she's just not sleeping. Well, maybe she's got sleep apnea. So let's do that surgery." So on Halloween, October 31, we had a surgery where her tonsils and adenoids were removed. We had an appointment set up with a psychologist to see if maybe we were dealing with, like I said, with some mental illness challenges. But other than that, these little tantrums were the only real symptom that I noticed that something was wrong until the day that she got really sick. On that day, we'd gone to a family party, and she was playing with her cousins and eating way too much chocolate, you know, like two year olds do. And she fell asleep on the way home that night. When she woke up, I was in the kitchen making dinner for the children and she couldn't walk straight. She was really shaky and wobbly. I thought, "Well, it's January at this point. Maybe she's just really cold or you know, kind of groggy from just waking up from a nap." But she couldn't walk straight to me in the kitchen. So I picked her up, handed her a sippy cup of milk and her hands were shaking so bad. She couldn't hold them. She couldn't hold the sippy cup. So that was concerning to me. But she started to also exhibit some flu like symptoms later that evening. She started to throw up and I thought, "Okay, well maybe she's got the flu. That would explain the shakiness, the shivering. You know, she doesn't feel good." She's crying a lot. But after she threw up for the sixth time, she did finally fall asleep. It was right about then that my husband came home from work. He was in school at the same time too. So it was a late night for him. So about 9:30 at night, she was finally asleep on my bed and I was just laying beside her stroking her hair, and I told my husband Travis about how sick she'd been. We thought maybe we should take her the instacare but she was finally resting peacefully. So while he was changing his clothes and telling me about his day, Elora stirred and kind of moved a little bit and groaned. And I looked at her and she went back to sleep. That happened three more times. By the third time, she was moving quite a bit and making a very strange sound. So I called Travis to the bed and said, "Honey, look at that. Just look at this and see, I don't think this is normal." So we waited, very concerned. And sure enough, she had a grand mal seizure right there in front of us. I have never seen anyone have a seizure before. As you can imagine, I was petrified. Travis, I think instantly knew that we needed to get her some help. He turned and went for his shoes. his coat, was trying to find his his car keys. I picked her up thinking, "I need to wake her up. I need to rouse her." When you pick up a child, normally they'll hold their head up a little bit, or they'll put their arms around you or something. She was completely comatose at this point. She was still breathing. But I was shouting her name, and rubbing her, and shaking her a little bit, just trying to get some sign that she could wake up and there was nothing. So because of the family event that we'd been having, luckily, Travis's brother and his family was staying with us. So his brother came running up the stairs, saw Elora in my arms and the panic in my voice and he said, "Go now, go to the hospital now." So that's a really amazing blessing that we feel like we had from God was that there was someone in place to take care of other children. So we were able to rush straight to the car and get Elora to the hospital right away.

Tamara Anderson 10:06

I'm already getting teary. I better grab some Kleenex. Tell me what happened once you arrived at the hospital, what did that look like?

Krista Isaacson 10:16

I was panicked, right? I was torn internally between, "I need help for my daughter immediately," to, "If I freak out, and panic, and they have to deal with me, then that will take time away from getting her help." So I was absolutely panicked inside, but trying to maintain an exterior of calm so that I could get her the help that she needed immediately. I ran up to the admitting nurse in the emergency room and explained what was going on. I felt like she was just typing in her computer like it was just another day. I was pacing. I was pacing like, "No, really. We need like blaring sirens and we need help. Now. We need help now." I want to say, "Luckily," and maybe, I guess, it was lucky at the time that Elora had another seizure in my arms right there when I was holding her. So that nurse said, "Oh, yes, you're right. That isn't normal. Let's get her back immediately." So I guess lucky that that happened right then. So we were admitted into the hospital. This was just our local hospital at the time with one doctor on staff. It's a smaller hospital. He was busy. There were several patients in the emergency room at the time. He did his best. They did a lot of tests, they were able to administer some medication to calm Elora's seizures, so at least she was able to lay still on the table, which was a relief, but she still wouldn't wake up. At one point we noticed some blood dripping from her her mouth. I pried open her cheeks to see that she had clenched her jaw on her tongue. So she was biting her tongue but her jaw was clenched shut. We couldn't get it open and, and no doctor's coming to help right away and I just paced, and paced, and paced. Honestly, I began a series of prayers to God, that just didn't stop. I felt like I had opened a conduit to heaven, just an ongoing, "Please help us. Please help us. Please help us." I didn't know who else to ask for help. Yeah.

Tamara Anderson 12:17

Yeah, my goodness. When did you start finding out results? How long did that take?

Krista Isaacson 12:26

This amazing doctor finally came to us after he received those initial tests results back from Elora. Things like blood work, and urine, and different things like that. He sat us down and he said, "From what I can tell, it looks like she has a juvenile diabetes." But he said something really amazing, very humble. "In my opinion," he said, "but I'm just a dumb ER doctor. I know a little bit about a lot of things. I think you need a second opinion." I thought that was extremely humble for a doctor to say that, that he wasn't positive about his diagnosis. So he ordered us an ambulance and sent us up to a wonderful children's hospital in Salt Lake City, Primary Children's Hospital. He was certain that they'd be able to get us some more help. So we had an ambulance ride up there. I was in the ambulance with Elora, my husband was falling behind because we had our four month old baby with us. He had to drive behind us in the van so that we could have the baby, I was still nursing him at the time. So we pulled up to Primary Children's Hospital. I believe that the emergency room doctor that was working there that night instantly knew that Elora was in deep trouble. He put us in a room and he told me to stay there with the baby. He took Travis and Elora to do a CT scan of her head. At this point, I still believed that we were there to find out more about juvenile diabetes. So I didn't understand why the sudden interest in her head. For a brief time, they questioned us quite severely about possible abuse, either from us ,or family members, or if there was a daycare involved. That was very frightening. But as soon as the results from that CT scan came back, the air in the room changed. I could tell that we'd been absolved of any guilt and that they had received an answer. So a nurse came back to me after, I would say it was probably an hour, but I couldn't keep very good track of time because I was manic with fear about her at this time. So she came back to get me and the baby and said, "Elora has been admitted to the hospital and the doctor wants to talk to you. But he wants to make sure he has plenty of time so he wants to resolve all of his other patients first." I thought, "That's probably a red flag. Emergency room doctors usually don't want to take a lot of time. Right? Right. So they took me back to a Elora. She was in a very large room with several nurses. They were attaching her to lots of different monitors. She was on oxygen, she had a heart monitor, lots of different things. We waited patiently in that room for the doctor to come. At this point, my husband wanted to give Elora what we call a blessing of healing. It's like a prayer offered over her where he places his hands on her head and calls upon the power of God for healing and for comfort. So he gave Elora a blessing and asked God to heal her, if it was His will. Then he asked if I would like the blessing as well. I said, "Yes, I would." I felt like I could use some power and some comfort, comfort from God. So Travis gave me a blessing. In that blessing was a promise that all would be well. I was so excited. After the blessing, I said, "Travis, this means that Elora is going to be well, everything's gonna be fine, she'll be healed, we'll go back to our normal lives." But he did not look as excited as I did. And I said, "Honey, what's wrong? Tell me what's wrong." He said, "Have you thought that there could be another answer?" And I said, "No, no, there is not another answer. She is going to be healed. I know it." And he said, "Krista, just think for a minute. Is it possible that God is trying to tell us that no matter what happens, no matter what the outcome is, that there are days ahead of us that are bright and happy, and that it will all eventually be okay?" And in my heart, I realized that yes, that's probably what God was telling us, though, at the time, I didn't want any other answer, except that she was going to be okay. But I did cling to that hope, to that blessing, that at least God could see that someday there was going to be light, and goodness, and normalcy again. So I did cling to that.

Tamara Anderson 17:02

Oh, my goodness, okay. I'm over here crying. Ah, my heart is just aching with yours. Because I know what it feels like to get one of those answers that you just don't want. And it's hard. It's really, really hard to submit to God's will at times like that. Absolutely. It is. Yes. So why don't you tell me what happened when the emergency room doctor finally got back to you? Probably what felt like hours and hours later.

Krista Isaacson 17:41

It felt like a really long wait. When he came into the room, he brought another doctor with him. He did look like a surgeon. I know right now it's normal for us all to wear masks, but at that time, this doctor came in with a surgical mask around his neck as if he had just come from surgery. So that's what we assumed, that this was a surgeon. They sat down with us, and the emergency room doctor said he'd never found an easy way to give hard news to parents. He thought it was just easiest to come straight out and say it. He pulled a white piece of printer paper from his pocket and it was Elora's CT scan. So it was a picture of her brain. He held it out in front of us. He said the sentence that changed my whole world. He said, "It's a brain tumor." I felt like the oxygen in the room had just left. I felt my body was tingling and numb, I couldn't think straight. I know now that I was in shock. Trying to just process those words, when I thought for sure we were dealing with juvenile diabetes, that we were going to have a cure, that she would wake up. Suddenly, it's a brain tumor, and it kind of felt like I was removed. You only hear those words on like soap operas or, you know, TV dramas or, you know, places like that, not in real life, not my life. I just couldn't even fathom that he had said those words to me. The picture of Elora's scan was quite disturbing, once the doctor explained it. We have two little crescent shaped ventricles on each side of our brain that store cerebrospinal fluid. Elora's tumor had grown slowly over her life, actually they considered it a fast-growing childhood tumor because she was two years old, but it had grown big enough that it had blocked the ability for her brain to drain that excess fluid down through her spine. So the excess fluid had been collecting in her brain, which we call hydrocephalus. I'm sure you've heard of that term. Yes, hydrocephalus creates extreme pressure on the brain. So that's why Elora had begun having seizures that night and why she was in a comatose state and couldn't wake up. Because her brain was filled with fluid. The picture on the scan looked like her brain was filled with two swimming pools in the center. It was just devastating. So the very first thing that they needed to do was insert a drain, a shunt into her skull, into her brain, to just drain some of that fluid off so that we could get a better picture of this tumor, find out exactly where it was, and the best way to attack it. So that's what they did right away. They took her to put that drain in. So we waited in a waiting room. At that point, family started to to arrive. We were gone through the whole night. It was very early in the morning. Travis's mom arrived, and a brother, and people started to come, which was a great relief. I felt like the more people came, then there were more hands to help carry the burden. I didn't have to feel like I was alone. And I also started, at this point, to feel that there were other people around me that I couldn't see. I don't know how to explain that, how I knew that they were there, I just did. I understood that if my family here on Earth was coming, of course, they were coming, what would stop the ones in heaven from coming to me too? My grandparents, and my aunt that I loved dearly that I'd lost, people who loved me, of course they would come. So they were there, I knew that they were there with their arms around me, helping me and keeping me together. That was a great strength at that point. So that surgeon did come back pretty quickly. He said that the shunt had gone in fine, that it was working. But Elora had begun to struggle breathing. So they had had to intubate her, so put a breathing tube into her lungs. It was a hard thing, but was also a relief for her because it meant that her body wouldn't have to fight so hard to breathe, so that she could focus on healing her body. He did have a question for me. He said, "I don't understand how she's actually alive right now." He said the shunt has a couple of functions, and one of them is to measure the pressure in her brain. He said normal pressure, it's measured in millimeters mercury. So it's like PSI in a tire. Normal for a child is between 10 and 14 millimeters mercury. Elora's had registered as 135, which was off the charts. He said, "I've never actually seen a living person measure that high, let alone someone who didn't have symptoms. You said you were with your family today?" I said, "Yes. We were at grandma's house and having a party." He said, "It's not possible. It's not possible." And I said, "Well, I don't know what to tell you. Other than, 'That's the truth.' She was running around, playing with her cousins. And then she got sick tonight." He said, "She shouldn't be alive, and she should have been in the hospital for months, maybe should have been in the hospital her whole life with this tumor, having radiation and chemotherapy treatments." And he honestly was asking us to tell him how it was possible. The only answer that I could think of was that this was God's plan for my daughter, that His plan had not included her having symptoms and being sick. Her whole life that was planned for her was that she would appear healthy until that moment, and then it would all come crashing down. And I didn't understand why but I trusted that God was in charge and that He had a plan for her.

Tamara Anderson 23:27

So you didn't have much time left and you didn't know that yet, right?

Krista Isaacson 23:32

Right. At that point, they said, "Okay, we have a better picture." Or, they wanted to do an MRI to get a better picture of where the tumor was. So that was the next step. They took Elora and they were going to do an MRI to find where the tumor was so that they could start radiation and chemotherapy right away. We did get to see her for a short time before they took her away. Do you remember how I told you that she had buzzed the front of her head? That July, just a few months before, right? So we had just barely gotten her bangs kind of to a baby bang length, so at least it looked like she had bangs again, that she just didn't have her horrendous mullet. When we walked in to see her, they were very somber and solemn, and they were worried about the way I would react seeing her for the first time with the intubation tube and the shunt in her head. It was a lot to take in. But when I saw her, I burst out laughing. I think that they were about to commit me to a health and safety location.

Tamara Anderson 24:32

Yeah,

Krista Isaacson 24:33

I was laughing but the reason was they had just rebuzzed her hair. I said, "You guys, I just grew it back. You went and buzzed it off again. But that was a really neat moment because when Elora buzzed her head the first time, I stood there looking at her funny hair. I tried to figure out how I should react. I was wondering if I should yell at her, or spank her, cry, or laugh You know, it was filled with lots of different things. But I had a little voice in my head had say, "She loves you, she trusts you, you don't want to mess that up." So I gathered that little girl in my arms and told her it was okay. We took some really cute pictures. So, because I laughed the first time she buzzed her hair, when I walked in that room again, I was able to laugh again. But if I had spanked her or punished her for cutting her hair the first time, when I had seen her that second time with her hair cut, I think that would have been a horrendously guilty, horrible moment for me to have recalled that I may have treated her in a way that I wasn't proud of. But because I listened to that prompting that I now believe was from my Heavenly Father, to laugh with her and to love her, I was able to then feel that laughter and that joy of a sweet memory instead, in that moment, and I'm thankful for that.

Tamara Anderson 25:49

What a sweet thing. What did the MRI show?

Krista Isaacson 25:53

At the MRI, when they came back with the results, the tumor was in a very bad place, it was in the middle of healthy brain tissue. So there wasn't really a good place to go in for operation. But I didn't find that out until later. We were waiting for the results of the MRI, which was taking a lot longer than it should have. It was taking an hour longer than it should have. I was visiting with several people who had arrived in the waiting room, family members. Travis finally went to see if he could find out what was going on. But he didn't come back. I was starting to get quite nervous again, after he'd been gone a half an hour himself. Finally, a woman came into the room calling my name. "Is there a Mrs. Isaacson?" I stood up and passed the baby, my baby Noah, to family members, and I went out in the hall with this woman who introduced herself as a social worker. She said, I've come to get you because your daughter is in serious trouble. Your husband is with her. She's flatlining. They're doing active CPR on her and he wants to know if you want to be with her. And I said, "Yes. Take me to her now." So Heather, the social worker, started to run me down the hall. As we were running, she started to explain the situation. While they were doing the MRI, Elora's heart had stopped beating. They had they had revived it through CPR, but it had stopped two more times. So they were in the third time of active CPR trying to bring her back to life. We walked down the hall and she took me into a room. That was like the scene of a nightmare to me. There was my little daughter, there were probably 15 to 20 nurses and doctors in the room, all rushing, all calling orders. There was a nurse on the table, stradling her body so that she could be doing the chest compressions while the table was being moved around. And there was that heart monitor just like on TV with a flatline beep, no heartbeat. That was the room that I walked into. One of the doctors said, "Let's move now," and I didn't know what was happening. They wheeled Elora out of the room with that nurse still on the table doing chest compressions. I asked the social worker, "Where are we going?" She said, "They've got to do an emergency CT scan to try to get the best view of her tumor, they have to do emergency surgery or she will not live." So we hurried into the CT room. We all put on mud vests, they did a a scan with her under active CPR, her heart began beating just long enough that they were able to do that scan, and then she flatlined again, during that entire procedure. My husband and I were against the wall, actively talking to God and actively shouting encouragement to our daughter, "Please take a breath. Honey, please just take a breath." And at the same time just praying to God, "Please help her breathe." And that was one of the most frightening moments of my life, praying that the heart monitor would would show a beat. So they did the CT scan and a new surgeon called us back into the room that has computer monitors and he showed us the scan. He said, "It's the best we can do. I think that we just need to go in here." He had three colleagues with him that confirmed his idea. He said, "If we do nothing, she will die." So all we did was say go, we signed a consent form. Within seconds they had Elora wheeling down the the corridor to an elevator. The elevator was not big enough for all of those nurses and doctors, Elora's bed, and us. So the social worker ran us to a stairwell and we ran up the stairs as fast as we could hoping that we would get one more glance of Elora before she went into operation because I didn't know if she would survive. We stood against the wall, those elevator doors open, I scanned between all of the arms and legs that were still doing chest compressions and air bagging. I got my glance. I got my glimpse of my daughter as she went into the operating room. And then all I could do was stand there. I couldn't go in with her. I just offered a prayer again, "Heavenly Father, please go with her because I can't go but I know that you can. Please just go and be with her." And I felt like He did. I felt like He went or He sent some angels or sent somebody to be with her to let her know that we were right there.

Tamara Anderson 30:41

Hi, this is Tamara K. Anderson and I want to share something special with you. When our son Nathan was diagnosed with autism, I felt like the life we had expected for him was ripped away, and with it, my own heart shattered as well. It's very common for families to feel anger, pain, confusion, and anxiety when a child is diagnosed. This is where my book, "Normal for Me," comes into play. It shares my story of learning to replace my pain with acceptance, peace, joy, and hope. "Normal for Me" has helped change many lives. I'd like to give this book to as many families as possible. We put together something I think is really special. My friends and listeners can order copies of my book at a significantly discounted price. We will send them to families who have just had a child diagnosed with autism or another special needs diagnosis. We will put your name inside the cover so they will know someone out there loves them and wants to help. I will also sign each copy. You can order as little as one or as many as hundreds to be shared with others. So go to my website, tamarakanderson.com, and visit the store section for more information and to place your order. You can bless the lives of many families by sending them hope, love, and peace. Check it out today at tamarakanderson.com and help me spread hope to the world.

So tell me, what you were thinking as you watched her go into surgery at this point? I mean, I know you you sent God and His angels with her. But how were you feeling at that moment?

Krista Isaacson 32:33

It's interesting. With faith, I did and do believe that there is a God. I do believe that He is aware of us and that He blesses us and that we can ask for miracles. I didn't lose that faith in sending Elora into surgery. I did believe that if God wanted her to live that He could perform that miracle. But at the same time, I was absolutely petrified, in an agony, in grief and despair, that I may never see my daughter again, that may have been the last glimpse I had of her. Like I said, that first seizure had only been maybe 15 hours before that, right? A healthy little girl running around with her cousins, to suddenly she's in an operating room with a brain tumor and unable to wake up. I could not fathom how we had gotten there so quickly. So I did cling to that blessing that all would be well. I held onto my faith. I believed that there were angels and family members there just around me. And at the same time I was in absolute despair over my daughter.

Tamara Anderson 33:48

Oh, I can only imagine. It must have been a long time waiting for them to come out of the operating room.

Krista Isaacson 33:54

That was the longest wait. We were ushered down into a little private, like a consultation room, just big enough for us and the doctor. I think I wore the carpet out of that room. I could not sit still. I paced and paced and paced and prayed. Every moment that went by, and there wasn't a knock at the door to say she had died was a blessing. I thought, "Okay, she's alive. One more minute. One more minute. One more minute." An hour went by, two hours went by. My mother arrived during that time. She had driven down from Idaho. That was a great comfort to me to have my mother there. Travis's brother brought our older children to come see us during that time. So there were some beautiful distractions of family members who came to lend their courage and support to us. But finally, after about two and a half hours of waiting, there was a knock at the door. I was petrified to open it because I didn't know what they had come to tell us. But the social worker came into the room. He said, "I can't believe I get to tell you this, but Elora has survived the surgery. As soon as they get her cleaned up, they're going to bring her down into the PICU, the pediatric intensive care unit, and you'll get to see her." I was overjoyed. I thought, "She survived, I get to see her, hug her, kiss her, touch her, her hands, you know all those things." But she did have a warning. She said, "The doctor will be here in a minute, you need to understand. Yes, she's alive. But her circumstances are not looking good." And she wanted the doctor to tell us what was going on. So when he arrived, he told us how difficult and rough that surgery had been. Elora's heart had stopped and started at least three more times. So at this point, she had broken ribs, her lungs were filled with fluid, her heart was damaged, there was more damage to her brain than just the hydrocephalus and the brain tumor had caused, because of the lack of oxygen. She had damaged all of her internal organs. He said, "At this point, the truth is, there's very little chance that your daughter can survive." That was another moment that was devastating to hear, because I'd been clinging to that promise from that blessing that all would be well. At this point, he told us that even if she did survive, she would be in an extreme vegetative state. So I had to accept that my Elora was not coming home, whether she lived or died, she was not coming home, at least in the way that I had expected and hoped. One of the hardest parts was admitting to myself that I didn't know which one was more frightening: Having a daughter who passed away or a daughter in an extreme vegetative state that I would care for over, you know, maybe my whole entire life. Both of those were extremely frightening outcomes to me.

Tamara Anderson 36:54

Oh, my goodness, yes. Because it's like your whole expectations for what her life would look like all of a sudden had just been shattered and changed. You're trying to wrap your brain around that huge change of circumstance that it feels almost too fast to process. Right?

Krista Isaacson 37:16

Extremely fast, right? I mean, I'm thankful that we had at least that much time. Not everyone does. I realized at the time, also, that it was a blessing that at least we were having these hours to process. It wasn't like some people whose loved ones are in car accidents, or different things like that, who don't even have, you know, that much time. So I am thankful that we at least had these hours to process this. But it was extremely fast. Right?

Tamara Anderson 37:41

Now, you did come to a point where you had to make some really tough decisions.

Krista Isaacson 37:48

Yes. We did get to go in and see Elora. She was in rough shape. The incision from the surgery was a big C shape over the left side of her head. The surgeon had left that part of her skull off just to allow for swelling in her brain. So she was very fragile. Everything was very sensitive. There were a lot of tubes and wires that could not be bumped. We had lots of visitors, they were allowed to come in and see Elora and say goodbye. I think everyone understood this point that she was probably not going to live. So we had, oh, probably a couple of 100 people come through her room and just say their goodbyes to her. But over that time of several hours, many, many hours, I just kept vigil at her bedside. Eventually, the doctor, the head doctor of the PICU, came to us and said, "Elora's condition is not improving. In fact, it's worsening, and it looks like her organs are beginning to shut down. So you have a choice. Your choice is to leave her on life support. Her body will eventually shut down on its own over the course of days, maybe a week. Or, you can choose to remove life support and let her pass away peacefully that way." The truth is that I didn't feel like that was a choice at all. That was like someone handing me two bottles of poison and saying which one would you rather drink? Because the outcome of either one was that I lose my daughter. At this point, I started to have a lot of conversations with God in a way I never had before because I didn't understand why suddenly this choice was placed in my lap. I thought God was in charge of her life and the way that she would leave this world and I didn't want anything to do with choosing the way that my daughter would leave this earth life. I started to tell him as much, that I thought it should be His decision and not mine. I didn't want anything to do with the choice. But also I felt like my spirit, my soul was in turmoil, that I needed to make a decision one way or the other, even though I didn't really want to. I couldn't be at rest until I found it, I found out what God's will was for her. But I would say that that is the only time in my life that I've been afraid to pray. But I was afraid to pray because of my faith, because I did know that God would give me an answer to that prayer. And I was afraid because I wasn't sure that I was strong enough to hear His answer and follow through with what He wanted me to do. So I actually put off that prayer for as long as I could. It was probably an hour or two. But I was also in absolute agony during that time, because I knew that I needed to pray and find out. So my husband was actually the one that convinced me that we needed to go outside and offer that prayer. So we went together. At this point, it was probably around midnight. I was absolutely exhausted in every way possible, because we hadn't slept for two days. We had been in constant trauma, in constant mode of survival, and my body, my mind, my spirit, were all exhausted. We went outside, it was the middle of the night, the stars were out. It was a beautiful night. And I felt like there was nothing between me and God. And I offered the hardest prayer I've ever asked. And I did finally asked Him what He wanted us to do. And an amazing thing happened, the way that I got my answer. I believe that it's important to study the gospel, to study God's word. That's a routine that I have had in my life for a really long time. Every morning, I tried to study the scriptures, in some form. And of course, I'm not perfect at it. But I really work hard to make sure that I'm in tune with my Heavenly Father. And for two weeks before Elora got sick, I had been studying a specific topic, and the topic was how to turn my will over to God's will.

Yeah, it's probably very much not a coincidence, right? I happened to be reading something one day, and a question came to my mind. How had Christ been able to turn His will to Heavenly Father's when He was in the garden of Gethsemane, suffering under that great weight? How had He been able to say, "I don't really want to do this, but I will do what you want me to do?" How have you done that? And I was curious about that question. So I had been studying for two weeks, every scripture I could find on topics like will, on God the Father. I just wanted to understand how that worked. Then I found talks from different church leaders of my church that I read, just trying to understand that doctrine. So when I was outside the hospital, and I prayed that prayer to Heavenly Father, to try to understand His will, I was, in fact, doing what I had been studying for. In that moment, all of those words, all of those scriptures, and those talks came flooding into my mind. Things like, "Be still and know that I am God. My ways are not your ways. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." These were more than just scriptures on a page of the words that I had read so many times. It was, in essence, Heavenly Father, in His own voice, telling them to me, an answer to my prayer. First of all, that shored up my faith and trust in Him that He was listening, that He had prepared me by giving me that prompting to study that topic. He had prepared me for this exact moment, and that He was going to give me an answer, and that His way was the right way. So as I was hearing these words and praying this prayer, I understood in my heart, that Heavenly Father was indeed asking me to do the thing that was my biggest fear, which was remove Elora from life support. And when I finished this prayer, my husband was standing beside me, and he said, "What did God tell you?" And I said, "He told me, I think He told me that we should take Elora off like support." He said, "He told me the same thing." So my husband and I had prayed alone and prayed to Heavenly Father separately, received the same answer, which was a blessing in that we were united on that decision. And that was very important to me that we were united, that we both had the same feeling. So I had one more prayer to offer because I understood God's will. I knew what He wanted me to do. Now, I needed the courage to do it. That's what I told him. I said, "I understand what you want me to do. I do not understand why. I actually think it's the cruelest thing that you can ask me to do. But I trust you. I do trust you. I have been trusting you all along, and you've not failed me yet. So I will trust you this one more time. But I don't know how I will have the strength to walk into that hospital and open my mouth and say those words, I don't know how to do that." And there again, was a moment where I felt arms around me. Arms I could not see. Arms of strength and courage, that walked me step by step and carried me into that hospital. I don't know who it was. Maybe someday I will know who that was. But those arms carried me up into that room. And I received the strength to tell the doctors our decision. The PICU doctor started to cry. She's a mother herself. And she said, "I've just been waiting. I've been waiting for you to make that decision. If I was in your place, that's what I would have chosen too." And immediately she gave the issue to the nurses and they began to unhook Elora from her tubes. It was really quick, it was immediate. One by one, the machines in the room went quiet until the last thing was her breathing tube. And here is one of the most miraculous moments of the experience to me, because do you remember I said that I had not wanted anything to do with this choice? If I had gotten my way, my will was that Heavenly Father just take her home when He was ready. That it wasn't my choice, right? But His will was that I tell the doctors to remove her from life support. Because I trusted Him, because I listened, my husband and I were able to join arms. And the nurses placed a blanket over our arms between us. And they placed Elora in our arms between us. And they removed her breathing tube and she passed away in our arms, completely unencumbered from all of those tubes and wires that had kept her in that bed.

And I feel like it is the single most sacred moment of my life, because we were holding her as she passed away. And I feel like we walked to the edge of heaven and passed her through to loved ones waiting on the other side. It was excruciating, but it was also sacred. And I was able to escort my daughter to the very last moment of her life. And if I had gotten my way, if I had gotten my will, I might have missed it. Because I don't know if I would have been in the room when she died. I don't know if Travis and I would have been there together. I definitely would not have been holding her when she passed away. She would have been in the bed. And I would have missed that moment. And I would never have known it. And so looking back on that experience, my trust in my Heavenly Father has changed forever. Because I actually felt like that was the meanest, cruelest thing that Je could ask me to do. And now I view it as an invitation to one of the holiest experiences I have had in my life. And so even though I may not always understand God's will, I trust him. I trust Him deeply now, that His ways lead to blessings that I cannot see with my mortal eyes. I trust him.

Tamara Anderson 48:33

Oh, what a beautiful testimony of coming to completely trust God, but how hard it was to get there, and the courage. It's interesting that God can bless us with the strength to be courageous, when we don't feel we're very courageous on our own.

Krista Isaacson 48:59

When I share this story, I often find that people want to say, "I don't know how you did it, I never could survive." And my first question is always, "Well, what is it that you have been through that at the time you thought you would not survive?" All of us have something. And all of us will have more things. I wish it was that we had one hard trial and that was it. Check. We're done. Right?

Tamara Anderson 49:26

That would be so great. But that's not the way it works

Krista Isaacson 49:29

But all of us go through things where before it happens, we would think, "I would never survive that." But it's when we're in the trial, when we're in the midst of it, that God directs our paths, like that scripture instructed me, and He's the one that teaches us how to survive it. I will never wake up and say, "You know, if I got cancer tomorrow, I can totally handle that." That's not the way it works, right? But it's in the moment that God instructs us and gives us answers. Moment by moment, we're taught through the Spirit, and through scriptures, and through faith, how to survive those hard things.

Tamara Anderson 50:04

So, I guess one of the biggest takeaways, then is that often when we're handed a trial, we're not strong enough for it. Right? But God gives us the strength and courage, moment by moment, to get through and and survive it.

Krista Isaacson 50:22

Yes. And I think you've talked about this in your own story, Tamara, about that idea that God doesn't give us things that we can't handle. I would put a caveat on that. I think God doesn't give us things that are too hard to handle with His help and Christ's help. They are too hard to handle for me on my own. They're too heavy for me to carry alone. I physically cannot do it. But when I yoke myself to Christ, when I allow God to teach me, and they help me carry those burdens, and help me walk through them, and teach me how to manage them, then they become bearable, through Him, through them. I learned that lesson after the funeral, after Elora's funeral. And everyone you know, eventually goes home. Travis had gone back to work. My kids were back at school, my mom went back to Idaho. And little by little, the phone calls tapered off. At first you're getting meals from your neighbors, and one day you wake up, and it's just you. On that day, I started to think about all the little things I had done wrong as a mom, and maybe it will sound silly to you. But things like, she asked me to read her a book the week before she died. And I told her I couldn't because I was feeding the baby. I thought about all the times I scolded her, or told her, "No," or I sat her up on a counter once because she was crying. And I now know that her head was hurting. And all of a sudden, I started to spiral down into this dark place of guilt. Right? I started to just think about all the ways I was not Elora's perfect mother, which is unreasonable. Nobody can be perfect. But for some reason, that's where I went, I regretted everything I'd ever done wrong, and wanted to take it back with all my heart. And so that probably lasted a month or two. And I got to a place where it was all I could think about. I would wake up in the morning, get my kids off to school, crawl to the couch and spend the day in the spiral of thinking bad thoughts about myself. And I finally realized that if I didn't get some help, that I could get stuck there, and maybe not come back. And it wasn't a place that I wanted to be stuck. I needed to find a way to get to those bright and sunny days that God had promised were in my future. Right. So how did I get there? How could I do it? And the scriptures had been great for answers before, when I was in the hospital with Elora. So I went to them again. And it was almost like I was reading an instruction manual for the first time. I found John 14:18, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." Okay, so there's a promise that Christ will come to us in our afflictions. There's an instruction in Psalm 55 that says, "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, He shall sustain me." And then again in Matthew 11, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly of heart, and you shall find rest unto your souls." And if I ever needed rest, it was then. I was aware for the first time that this was the how, that Christ was strong enough to help me carry my burdens. But how did I give them to Him? How did I let Him do that? Right? There's the how. So I literally stood up, physically, in my living room at that point. And I imagined all these things that I felt guilty or bad about in this backpack. I put them all in there. Everything that I was not allowing myself to be forgiven for, I put them in there. I zipped it close, and I took it off my shoulders, and I put it on the floor. And if you would watch me do this, you would have said, What are you doing? Because I was miming these things. But I wanted to show God that I was in such a place, I needed so much help that I was willing to do what He said. So I put that backpack on the ground. And out loud, I said, "Christ, my brother, my friend, will you help me carry this please? I need help." And He said, "Yes." He said yes. And He has been helping me carry that load, all these 14 years since Elora passed away. Every once in a while, there will be a day where I think, "I just want to see what's in that backpack,: and I try to kind of take it back from Him and I unzip it. And it only takes a second of looking inside and recalling some of those memories for me to realize I will never be ready to carry it. I will never be strong enough to handle that on my own. I will need Him and His strength for my whole life. And so I have yoked myself to him. He has become my constant companion and friend. I will need Him my whole life. And thankfully, our Savior has promised that He is strong enough. And His love is eternal and infinite enough that He can do that for every one of us. He doesn't just do it for me, He promises every single person, all of those things are too heavy and hard to carry. He can be with us, and walk beside us, and help us carry them forever. I'm so thankful for that.

Oh, my goodness. It's just powerful to know that we do not have to carry that alone. What an amazing, amazing story and witness that it's true, what we read in those scriptures, is indeed true.

His promises are true. I believe them. I have faith in them. I have trust in them. Yeah.

Tamara Anderson 55:55

Well, and you know it. Yeah. You know it. You're a witness that it's worked in your life. And it will work in other's lives. Yes. Because I too, have felt that. So, two witnesses here. We're gonna tell you, you got burdens. You can yoke yourself to Jesus Christ, and He will help you carry them. You know, He's powerful that way. Oh, my goodness. Wow, we have covered so much. Thank you so much for for sharing such a poignant story. And what resources would you recommend for someone who is perhaps struggling, or things that you found helpful when you were struggling? Besides, I mean, we've talked about the scriptures. So read the scriptures. Yes. Yes. What other things did you find helpful?

Krista Isaacson 56:46

This is a question that I actually get often. Because of the loss that I've experienced, I find that sometimes people call me when they are trying to support someone who's grieving, right? They'll call and say, "What do I give? What do I say? What do I bring? What do I not do?" A lot of questions. And so one of my favorite resources is called "Tear Soup." It's a picture book, accessible to all different ages. It educates readers about the process of grief, but it also grants permission for every person to grieve individually and uniquely, which I think is something that each of us need. Sometimes people will want to expect you to be done grieving or wants you to be back to normal. This book is a great resource that allows you to know how you uniquely grieve. It's a great book. Another resource is called "The Gateway We Call Death." It's actually written by Russell M. Nelson, who is the prophet of our church. He is a world renowned surgeon, and he's a special witness of Christ. So he talks about death from both the medical and the theological points of view. So it's a great resource if you have questions about death, and maybe the life after this. I also love "The Continuous Atonement," by Brad Wilcox. If ever we need reassurance about Christ's love and power to heal, it's when we're grieving. This book is a wonderful resource to learn about how Christ has that power to carry us and help us grieve. And it has a touch of humor in it too. So it's a really great read. As far as music goes, I love the hymn, "How Firm a Foundation," particularly verses three, four, five, and seven. They're really great for talking about grief and hardship. I also really love "A Gaelic Blessing," by John Rutter. That is one that I go to when I need a moment of peace when I'm struggling, when I'm having a hard day. "A Gaelic Blessing" is a beautiful hymn of peace. Lastly, my husband and I were privileged to be part of a video that was commissioned by our church. It's called "We Can Live With God Again." You can find it on YouTube. It is three different family's experience with loss and grief, and just bearing testimony that we believe that our loved ones are in a safe place and that we will see them again and that we all will live again after we die.

Tamara Anderson 59:06

Oh, beautiful. Thank you for sharing those and I will be sure to link those in the show notes so that we can have them and people can find them easily when they go to the show notes. So great. Thank you. Now you have been so kind of gracious. How can people find you online?

Krista Isaacson 59:26

You can find me on Facebook, Krista Walker Isaacson. You can find me on Instagram. I'm Krista M Isaacson there, and I've got a brand new website up that's KristaMIsaacson.com

Tamara Anderson 59:39

Wonderful. Krista, this has been such a tender recording today and I just thank you for being willing to dive deep and and share those emotions because that is what we feel and connect with and understand because we all have those moments when we we are down in the dumps, and we feel we need help. So it's given me such a perspective of hope, listening to your share your story. Are there any final tips or thoughts that you'd like to share before we close?

Krista Isaacson 1:00:13

I think just to remember to be patient with our processes, that it's a journey, that our whole life is a journey. And sometimes things take longer. Our paths are different than we expect. I think we all have this expectation of this life we're going to live and we end up living plan z. And it doesn't go the way that we think that it will, but to be patient with those too, to have faith that God knows our paths and to be patient with our learning process and, and that when those hard times come to keep that faith that God really can see beautiful, bright, hopeful days ahead of us. They're there.

Tamara Anderson 1:00:53

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you would like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website storiesofhopepodcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.

Tamara AndersonJune 23, 2021Death, faith, Children