Karin Ford: Seeking Gratitude and Happiness After 2 Plane Crash Losses
Karin’s life changed suddenly when her husband and two children never came home from a quick plane trip. She learned to navigate grief with faith and learned many lessons along the way.
Episode Discussion Points
She was born during WWII in Czechoslovakia, and her family escaped to Denmark
She immigrated to the United States alone as a 19-year-old
A year after she came to California she married her husband and began to mother his two children.
They eventually had 4 more children.
The day that changed everything when her husband’s airplane went down and he died along with her two little children.
As she felt like she was going to fall apart she chose to hold it together for her son, and felt enveloped in a cocoon of love by God
The night she felt like the Savior was holding her heart in His hands, and often dragging her along when she didn’t feel she could go any further.
A second tragedy occurred five years ago when her son and grandson died in another plane crash.
The hardest part of this loss was the empathetic grief she had for her daughter-in-law and grandchildren who were left.
Karin changed her perspective from thinking of her son and grandson lying on the ocean floor to thinking about them in heaven.
You have to process the past and then choose to move forward
Karin did marry again 4 1/2 years after her husband passed, and they have made a new life together.
Lessons from Grief
It comes in waves—its not constant, but when the waves hit you are completely inundated and pummeled in the surf.
Hang on tight to God through prayer and scripture study through the rough times—and cling to faith, because sometimes it is all you have left.
If you aren’t going to see a counselor, have at least 5 good friends who will listen to you without judgment as you go through grief.
You can also process grief by writing it out, like Karin did when she wrote her book, Be Still.
The day she chose to stay in bed and wallow in her misery she found it was so much worse, and she had to get up.
Focus on what you still have and count your blessings
How she considered suicide, but couldn’t leave her two other kids—so she stayed for them.
Try to find and do things that make you feel happy again. For her this was taking her boys water skiing, had friends over, visited family etc.
When you feel like you are in the dark tunnel of grief, just keep walking toward the pinprick of light in the distance. You will get through to the other side and find a new and different but good life there.
In her darkest moments she remembered she hadn’t suffered like Christ and He understood and carried her.
As she read books on grief she learned she could control her thoughts. If a negative thought came onto the stage in her mind she could dismiss it and replace it with a positive thought.
Happiness will come again eventually if you want it and let it.
“You don’t get over it. You get through it.”
Loss is like a giant shadow that hovers around you for a long time—let the Savior help you and carry that heaviness.
Resources for Those Who are Grieving
“Living with Death and Dying” or “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss” by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
“A Grief Observed,” by C.S. Lewis
“Tragedy or Destiny” by Spencer W. Kimball, or you can listen to the talk here.
Karin’s book, “Be Still.”
Connect with Karin
On Facebook as Karin L Ford
#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #grief #loss #planecrash #sorrow #lessonsfromgrief #gratitude #JesusChrist #happiness#liveagain
Transcription
Karin 0:03
I always remembered gratitude. I remembered to count my blessings because I had found out that that helps me. When I count my blessings, it helps me. I watched my thoughts. I had to watch how I thought about life. If I thought about life in a negative way, I went down fast. And I don't want to go down. I don't like it down there.
Tamara Anderson 0:26
Yeah, it's no fun.
Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.
My guest today has lived in both Europe and America. She worked in Arizona as a registered dental hygienist and for a time she served at the homeless dental clinic there in Phoenix, Arizona. With her husband, she has traveled the world and has finally settled in southern Utah. She is a mother, grandmother, and a great grandmother, and more than anything else, she loves to spend time with her family. I'm pleased to present Karin Ford. Karin, are you ready to share your story of hope?
Karin 1:34
I am. Thank you, Tamara, for having me.
Tamara Anderson 1:37
Oh, I am so tickled that I get to bring Karin on board. I first heard Karin's story a couple years ago. I knew at that time, I'm like, “Oh, I've got to have her on my podcast.” So an interesting fact about Karin is that she has a very personal connection to World War II. Why don't you tell me how you are connected to World War II, Karin?
Karin 2:06
Well, I was born in a small border town in Czechoslovakia, right next to Germany, and not far from Poland. I lived there for the first four years of my life. Four years and a couple of months. Then my parents decided to leave that country because communism was definitely a fact, and they wanted to raise their family away from communism, which doesn't sound very good. They made it out of there, basically by the skin of their teeth, because the borders to Czechoslovakia closed just that Fall. I think it was in 1948. We were never back during my childhood.
Tamara Anderson 2:52
Wow. That is amazing. Do you have many memories of Czechoslovakia before the war?
Karin 2:58
I have some memories. I was born during the war. But I was very young when it was over. Maybe 15, 18 months. They had some harrowing experiences there that I was part of but that I don't remember. But I particularly have memories of my nanny. A lady named Mrs. Bunicek. I loved her. She was basically my only grandma because I was I didn't have any grandparents. My memories, particularly, are with her. She was kind of interesting.
Tamara Anderson 3:41
Oh, that's beautiful. Well, life started tough for you. Your family did come to the United States.
Karin 3:53
I grew up in Denmark and came to the United States when I was 19, all by myself.
Tamara Anderson 4:00
My goodness.
Karin 4:01
Yeah. I lived with a wonderful family in Downey, California. I was very fortunate to be sponsored by this family who were also members of our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I will be forever grateful to them for how they included me in their circle and made me feel at home and loved.
Tamara Anderson 4:25
Wow, that's amazing. So why don't you take us through to marriage and what that looked like and the day that changed everything?
Karin 4:36
I came to the States in May of 1963. Three weeks later to the date, I met the man who was going to be my husband. I didn't know that the time. We had been to Griffith Observatory for a young adult outing, and he joined us. We had only known each other for about a month at that time. He picked me up and swung me around as we were looking at all the stars of the universe. And he whispered into my ear, “I'm going to marry you.” I remember thinking, “Yeah, right.” I barely knew the man. I didn't think that was gonna happen. But it did, a year later on. In 1964, we married. This is after learning that he had been married before. Not only was he divorced, but he had a son and a daughter. They were seven and six when we married. It was a big step to take, but it worked out. We had about three years before we started having our own children and we had a good life. He was a good husband. I became a dental hygienist after my second son was born. So here I had four children at home. He was extremely supportive during that time, helped me through, talked me into it as a matter of fact. We had seven years after I graduated. My husband was a pilot when I met him. He was a fighter pilot in the Navy, decided to leave the Navy. Then he, of course, eventually wanted his own airplane. That was always his dream, to have his own airplane. We had some very nice trips to a lot of places as a family. We took the kids skiing in Arizona, and Utah, and Colorado. Went to California, Mammoth, and went skiing, and visited his family in Laguna Beach. Flew into Newport Beach, and everything was well, until one day it wasn't.
Tamara Anderson 7:01
Tell me about that
Karin 7:02
My son, who was 15 at the time, he was going to go with the young men and young women on a trip to Lake Powell. The ward had planned an outing for the young men and young women in our ward. And Ken could not join the group the same day as they were leaving. So his father offered to fly him up. We were going to go as a family on this trip. Then, because it was a Thursday that he was taking my son up, I would have to cancel my afternoon patients, because that was the only day I worked. My two youngest were four and six. My daughter was six, my son was four. In order to go up there as a family, I would have to cancel my patients for the afternoon. I decided I didn't want to do that. So I decided, I'm going to stay home. My son John, who was 12 said, “Well, Mom, if you're not going, I'm not going.” The two little ones were so excited to go on this flight with their dad to take Ken up to Lake Powell. My husband had made arrangements to meet with one of the leaders to come to the dock and pick up Ken.
That morning, my children were always awake to say goodbye to me when I went to work, my little ones. That morning, they slept in because it had gotten late the night before. I go to work anyway. I think about my family as I'm going. My husband and I have a big day because he has to take kids to different places, little ones had to go to a babysitter, and the other two had other places to go, and he still had to go to his office. I get to the office, the morning is going fine. We've come to the afternoon and my one o'clock patient has canceled. As we're waiting for the next patients to come in, the whole afternoon cancels. This never happened before, that everybody's scheduled, cancels. That hasn't happened. So he decides we're just going to close the office. I get home. Because it was late the night before, I'm thinking all the way home, I'm thinking about this nap I'm going to take in a quiet house. I get home, the garage door opens, and there's my husband's car in the garage. So he hasn't left yet. He's still there. I'm surprised, because I expected him to be gone. But he was running a little bit late. He asked me to go get the kids, the little ones from the sitter. I'm getting ready to say, “That seems silly because you're literally going five minutes out of your way to get to Scottsdale Airpark and it's going to be a half hour round trip for me to get them. Why don't you just go get them on your way so I can take a nap?” That's what I wanted to say. But somehow those words were like taken out of my mouth, literally. And instead, I agreeably went and got my little kids. We had such a wonderful time, at home, sitting around the table, eating ice cream, and chatting, and just being silly.
Then eventually, he came back with the other kids, and they took off. They ran out the door without giving me a kiss and a hug. That never happened. I was going to call them back, and then the thought came to me, “They're going to be right back. Don't worry about it. Let them go.” So I did. And they didn't come back. They flew to Page, where they dropped off my son at Wahweap Marina, and then apparently came back to the airport, took off. Ken remembers them flying over this site of the camp where all the young men and young women were with their leaders. My husband kind of tipped his wings, like he always did coming home from wherever he'd gone. We would hear him flying over the house, and we would run out and look and he'd be tipping his wings before he would land at Scottsdale Airpark. My son John and I went shopping that night. We went to dinner, and then we went shopping and came home about nine o'clock. They weren't home yet. I thought that was kind of strange. I was a little bit annoyed when I kept thinking they should be home already. Why hasn’t he called and let me know that they were going to be late? Well, they never came.
It was a very difficult night, because I kept thinking, “He's going to call me. I knew, somehow, that he hasn't called… He was always good to call me and let me know when he was going to be late. So I knew, eventually, that there's a reason why he hasn't called. He can't call me. He must be down somewhere. I'm just hoping that I'll hear from him. I'm trying to stay awake all night. I eventually went and vacuumed my whole house because I was so agitated. I didn't know what to do myself. I felt like I was going to jump right out of my skin because I was so worried. Then, finally, about two o'clock, I did lie down and woke up a couple of hours later. I knew this is not good.
Eventually I called Scottsdale Airpark. They couldn't help me because apparently he hadn't filed a flight plan. So I eventually called somebody from our church that I knew was still home. He wasn’t up at the lake. He was one of the counselors to the bishop. Pretty soon my house filled with people, friends, and friends from church, and friends from the neighborhood. They sent out search parties trying to look for them because nobody knew where they were. The last thing they had seen was flying over the camp. It was late afternoon by the time they located the plane. They had several planes out looking and somebody had found a plane.
Four elders from our church walked into our house. I could see them coming through the windows. I was sitting in the living room by them, and I could see them coming through the windows. Their heads were all bowed as they walked in. I knew what I was going to hear. I remember, as we're standing there, and I'm listening to them, and I don't remember what they said. I just remember that I had this strange feeling like my knees were becoming Jell-o, like they were filling with Jell-o. I was getting this strange sensation up and down my back. Suddenly it occurred to me that I think I'm going to collapse. The minute I knew that, I realized I can't do that. My 12-year-old son had been picked up by friends, and they had taken him to dinner. I didn't want him to come home and find his mother incapacitated when he was going to hear what he was going to hear. So I stood there, and I'm sure that angels were supporting me, because I didn't fall apart. I just stood there, and took in what had happened. In a way, I already knew that that was happening. I already knew that that was going to be what I was going to hear.
Tamara Anderson 15:04
So you were a widow at age…
Karin 15:10
38. I was 38. My husband was 46. He was eight years older than I. I had raised his two children who were in their mid... I think Stacy was almost 24. Mark was 25. They were at BYU. I was left with Ken at home, who was 15, and John, who was 12.
Tamara Anderson 15:33
And then your two little ones…
Karin 15:37
Died alongside with my husband. It was unbelievable. It was excruciating. It was agonizing. It was beyond anything that I could really put into words. And yet, that whole day, as we waited to find the plane, I remember people were, you know, literally wall to wall people in my living room. I remember feeling like I was enveloped in a cocoon of love that was coming from above, from heaven above. It was a most amazing experience. I was trying to take it in, the juxtaposition between that and knowing what I was going to have to possibly face. It was amazing. That feeling is absolutely amazing. It was literally like I was in a cocoon. Softness all around me, love, warmth, and a strengthening that was amazing to me.
Tamara Anderson 16:42
Was the cocoon still there after you found out he had passed?
Karin 16:45
It came and went, but it was still there the whole time. I had experiences of being strengthened in ways that I can't really even put into words. Because it was so amazing that it was part of that cocoon of love. Like I was enveloped by something much stronger than I, and that truly was there to support me and to sustain me through this. It has been there throughout. There has been many, many difficult moments. But there's always been that, too, the balm of Gilead that was there for me throughout. Even to the point where, one time I remember sitting at the foot of my bed. My kids were not at home, they were off somewhere and I was alone. I was like, “How? How can I be all alone? It's like in the twinkling of an eye, everything has changed. Here I am, in my house on a Friday night, alone.” I remember sitting at the foot of my bed, wondering how on earth I'm going to go on. And I feel as if I'm my heart is being cupped between His hands. I hear the words, “I know how much this hurts. And I am so sorry.” I'll never forget that, because He was so strengthening and so sustaining. He truly did know, because He's experienced everything that we've experienced. It gave me the strength to go on.
Tamara Anderson 18:22
Wow, my goodness. So what are some of the lessons you learned while grieving?
Karin 18:31
Well, one of the lessons I learned was, I remember, grief comes in waves. It's not constant. But when those waves hit, it's literally just taking you away. I mean, it's almost, it's literally being pummeled in the surf.
Tamara Anderson 18:52
That's a good description.
Karin 18:53
It really is. You're just being pummeled in waves. I don't have any other words for it besides being pummeled in the surf. I've been there. I lost my top once. But it comes and goes, and when that comes, you really have to hang on tight. I prayed through it. I studied scriptures through it. All those things were strengthening to me. One time I decided, “I'm just going to wallow in it this time. I'm not going to get out of bed this morning. Yeah, wallow in my misery.” And then I found out, like about two o'clock in the afternoon, I said, “Oh my gosh, I can't do this anymore. This is so much worse than trying to be strong and moving forward, and thinking about all the things that I have that I can still be grateful for.” Because when I counted my blessings, it made a difference in my life. Counting my blessings made me feel like, “I can do this. Be thankful to the Lord. I felt like, “I can do this,” when I thought about the help that I was getting, because I was always getting help. But letting just letting it go and wallowing in my misery, that was not working, definitely not working. I tried it one more time, just because.
Tamara Anderson 20:22
Because you felt like it.
Karin 20:24
I felt like it. That's right. And then I decided, “No, that isn't going to work.” That doesn't work for me. Because it only takes me to a place I don't want to be. You get to feeling so low and so vulnerable, that, you know, there were times where I thought, you know, I could always take my life. But I decided that that wasn't going to work either. Because my kids are already suffering enough. I didn't need to put them through that, too. And I'm grateful for that. It was never really about suicide, it was more having that outlet. I thought, “Well, if I can't handle it, I can go there.” But I knew that wasn't going to help me. I had to find strength. I found it in scriptures. I found it in wonderful friends who were there to help me, and sustain me, and listen to me say anything I wanted to say, basically, without judging. I will always love them for that. I had wonderful friends. I remember reading, that if you're not going to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist, then you need to have at least five good friends when you're grieving that will help you and listen to you. I had that. I feel very, very fortunate that they were there to help sustain me. I believe that there were angels from above who helped me, too. I felt the closeness to my Savior again, and again. I know there were times when I felt like I'm like a four year old and He's dragging me along and I'm kicking and screaming. He keeps telling me, “You can. I will lend you my strengths.” And I could, because He did lend me strengths. And I'm so grateful for that. I don't know how people make it through tragedies, if they don't have faith in a higher power, and Father in Heaven, and Jesus Christ. I don't know how they make it through that. I don't think I could have if I hadn't had that already in my life.
Tamara Anderson 22:26
Wow, that's beautiful. I'm hearing prayer got you through. Scriptures connected you to God. Then leaning on God for daily strength. And also having an army of good friends to help and listen, while you process the grief, and who just supported you no matter what with perfect love.
Karrin 22:51
Absolutely. Absolutely. I remember thinking, “The one thing you can't do, you cannot let go of your faith. You have to hang on to your faith through this. This is going to be a test beyond any test you had and you've got to hang on to your faith. I just remember that. I don’t know if it was my own thoughts or somebody else's. But it was definitely very clear. It's all I had left, faith. Literally.
Tamara Anderson 23:21
I love that. You got to hang on to your faith. I've talked about that before on the show, that often we hit rock bottom moments where it's almost like you're at a tipping point. Almost like you're standing in the middle of a teeter totter. You can either tip towards faith, or you can tip away from God, because you're angry, because your husband and your kids died in a plane crash, you know. So it's a moment, a pivotal moment, that decision. Absolutely. Now you shared that there was a quote that you read recently that has come to be even more meaningful to you. It says, “You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”
Karin 24:12
That is the thing. When it happened, my sons were 12 and 15. I thought, they haven't even lived yet. You had the older children, you know, they were still in their early, mid 20s. I thought, “I don't want this to take away their chances to be happy. I don't want this to affect them in a negative way. We have to find happiness.” We tried to do those things that would help us be happy. I think it took a long time. We have all, you know, worked at being happy. We've all had our experiences in life. But we made the best of things. Life has been good in spite of that. That's the amazing part. There are times where I feel like I have to pinch myself. How can I be happy? And I am happy.
Tamara Anderson 25:12
What were some of the things that you guys did to try to be happy after a devastating loss like that?
Karin 25:22
Well, we, my boys and I, took the boat out. We had a boat. We used to go up to Lake Saguaro, or Canyon Lake and go waterskiing. I had never taken the boat out by myself before. But I learned to do that. We would take friends along. We would just try to live our lives, and do the things that were fun, and invite people over, even though we felt like a broken down family. Because one day you're sitting at the dinner table with a lot of you, and all of a sudden, there's only three. We would sit and eat our dinners with tears streaming down our faces. But we had to go on. We had to. We just had to push through. We would go to Laguna Beach where grandpa and grandma lived. My parents would come from Denmark and visit. We would just do things with friends.
Tamara Anderson 26:19
Does it get easier?
Karin 26:21
Oh, definitely. I do believe it does. I know people say you never get over it. I don’t think you get over it, because it's always part of your history, but you get through it. I remember there was a time for a long, long time where I felt like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. All I see is a pinprick of light. But I'm going to walk towards that light. Eventually, it's going to open up for me. And I did. I just kept walking towards that light. And eventually did open up. I came to the other end of the tunnel. It was a different life. It was a completely different life. But it was still a good life. I think I always remembered gratitude. I always remembered to count my blessings, because I had found out that that helps me. When I count my blessings, it helps me. I watched my thoughts. I had to watch how I thought about life. If I thought about life in a negative way, I went down fast. And I don't want to go down. I don't like it down there.
Tamara Anderson 27:31
Yeah, it's no fun.
Karin 27:35
No fun. So I don't want to be there. I remember in my darkest moments, I always remembered, “I have not yet suffered like Christ has.” He has suffered for each and every one of us. He has been through everything we've been through. Because we are told that He doesn't just suffer for our sins. He suffers for all the things we experience, all the difficult things. And He guides us through it. And I know there were times where He carried me. Just like it said in that footprint story that I loved. I heard about it after the accident happened. I love that story, because that's how I felt. There were times where He carried me because I could only see His footprints. Mine weren't there.
Tamara Anderson 28:23
Yeah, no, I completely agree.
Karin 28:27
And those things buoyed me up. Those kept me going.
Tamara Anderson 28:31
Well, and I also love that you mentioned being grateful, especially with Thanksgiving being this month. I think it's so pertinent that we remember that gratitude can help us look on even the hardest days with a ray of sunshine. You know, it doesn't take the sorrow away. No. But it helps change our thoughts towards being positive. Yes. I know that psychologists have proven that if you even write down three things you're thankful for every day in a journal, that you will be more happy.
Karin 29:11
Absolutely. It makes a huge difference. I remember coming across a saying, this was a couple of months after the accident. There were times where I felt like I'm hanging on a rope. And I'm sliding down that rope. And there's no bottom below me. It was a quote by Franklin Roosevelt. “When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” Well, when I saw that, I remember thinking, “I'm going to tie that knot right here so that I can stand on that.” Because really, my faith had brought me along as it was. And now that I had that knot on the rope, I knew that I'm not going to go down that precipice. It doesn't matter that there's nothing below me because I can stand on that knot. And that meant so much to me as I read that.
Tamara Anderson 30:06
Oh, that's beautiful.
Karin 30:08
I remember going to bookstores and finding books to read about grief. And something I remember reading was that if you watch your thoughts, it'll help because you can really own your thoughts. Like, your thoughts are like a stage. You can really only think about one thing at a time. You can choose what thoughts you allow on that stage. Or if you have thoughts that take you down, just miss them, and choose good thoughts. And that made a difference. I could control what was on the stage in my mind. Because it's interesting how when you have a tragedy like that, it really lost consumes everything. It kind of has a life of its own. Always there with you, like a shadow, for the longest time. Not anymore. But for the longest time, it was there like a shadow, right behind me all the time, right beside me sometimes, ahead of me. It was all I could think about. That makes things very difficult because you can't hold those thoughts all the time. You can't stand them. It's too much. It's too heavy. It's too heavy to carry. And as I learned to deal with that, and I just know that Christ was there to carry my thoughts, to carry me many times when I need it.
Tamara Anderson 31:44
We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back, we'll have more lessons, tips, and things you can apply to your life. Stay tuned.
My friends, are you looking for a meaningful Christmas gift this year? If so, you need look no further. I have a fantastic, sweet short story. I am so excited to share with you my new booklet. It's called “A Broken Down Holiday.” This is the story of a widowed young mother trying to travel home for the holidays soon after her husband dies, and being stranded in the middle of nowhere, and some of the hard things that she experiences, and some of the miracles that you wouldn't think are miracles that she had happened. It is based on a true story that happened to my mother in law. It's great for those friends that you're just like, “What do I get them?” Something simple that's under five bucks. It's a great stocking stuffer. So if you want to share this message of hope with your friends or family members, check it out, “A Broken Down Holiday” on tamarakanderson.com.
I wish we could say that the rest of your life has been beautiful and without sorrows and griefs.
Karin 33:03
I know, I know.
Tamara Anderson 33:05
This was not your only airplane tragedy.
Karin 33:08
It was not no.
Tamara Anderson 33:11
Why don’t you tell us about this second story that impacted you so dramatically?
Karin 33:17
Well, five years ago, my son John, who was now 46, like his father, he had an airplane. He had been flying for a while. On July 4th, in 2016, he crashed, and with him was our 17 year old grandson, his oldest son, and one of Max's friends. So again, we lost three. We started the journey again. This time, it was a different journey for me, because John and Max were not living with me. We saw them, you know, several times a year. But it was watching my daughter in law go through the same thing.
Tamara Anderson 34:06
Yeah, I bet it was.
Karin 34:07
From the time John told me he was flying, I knew it was gonna happen again. I knew what
Tamara 34:14
Did you?
Karin 34:15
I did. I honestly knew it. It was a matter of time. When John told me that he was going to fly, I decided, “I'm just going to pray and have faith. My faith is good to keep him alive.” But that was not gonna be. it was a tough journey. It was what got me to write my book. I knew I had to write the first time when it happened, but I just never wrote anything that I was satisfied with. I had an interesting experience just days before John and Max were also gone. I had what seemed like a chastisement come through my head. It was admonishment. “You never did write.” That literally happened like two days before they were gone. I remember thinking, “No, I didn't write. I guess I need to do that.” And then a couple of days later, I get a phone call from my son that John didn’t make it home last night. There it was.
Tamara Anderson 35:23
So you said it was different the second time around.
Karin 35:29
You still grieve them. But I grieved for him, I grieved for my grandson, and I grieved so very much for my daughter in law, and for my grandchildren who were left. Because I knew the journey they were going on, and how harsh that journey was, and how difficult that would be for many years. And that was the part that as so hard.
Tamara Anderson 35:52
So the hardest thing was the empathetic grief.
Karin 35:57
Yes. Right. Right. It really was. And just the tragedy of it all happening again. You know, the loss that we also felt not having them come to our house and not them being there when we went to their house. Those were very heavy moments.
Tamara Anderson 36:19
Yes. Were you angry the second time around?
Karin 36:26
No. I read about that. I read about that. That is one, I remember reading that, in “The Five Stages of Grief,” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross. I remember thinking, “How strange that I'm not feeling that.” What I did feel was anger at my husband.
Tamara Anderson 36:50
Really?
Karin 36: 51
Yes. I remember having to go talk to the principal about one of my kids, well it happened a couple of times, actually. And I thought, “I am gonna kill you for not being here. Because you should be taking care of this, not me. This is your job, not my job.” So for a long time, I was, actually, yeah, I guess I did have anger. I was angry at him. But not from the start. That happened much later. So I guess it's not fair to say I didn't have anger, but I never had anger at God. This was in the stars. I accepted that. I think I accepted it through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I think He helped me accept it. Because there really isn't any way to get over something like this besides accepting it, I think. I did not want to be angry. I don't like that feeling. It's not a pleasant feeling when you're angry. I just wanted to be happy. I've always wanted to be happy. That's been my goal in life, to have happiness in my life. And then to have this happen, I thought, “Well, we're gonna have to find it anyway. There’s got to be a way.”
Tamara Anderson 38:02
Find happiness anyway. So the carrot you can dangle the people who are grieving at this point is, happiness can and will come again, eventually.
Karin 38:16
If you want it. If you want. If you let it. I think if you don't accept what has happened, because you really do have to accept it. You have to accept it on all levels. And if you don't do that, I read a lot of people, because I still love to read things about people who have had losses in their lives. When I hear people say that, “You'll never get over it, and they have suffered for years.” I'm just not somebody who likes suffering. And that, I think it continues if you don't handle it the right way. If you stay in that suffering mode, which basically is what I really, truly learned when I stayed in bed on those two occasions. It's like, “Man, if I just want to be miserable, this is how you do it.” I don't want to be miserable.
Tamara Anderson 39:15
So, giving yourself limits to grief. Saying, “Okay, I will feel miserable. Maybe I'm going to grieve this morning in my bed. But this afternoon, I'm going to get out of bed and I'm going to move forward.” Setting limits to the amount of time you allow yourself to grieve so that you can begin slowly moving forward with life and choosing happiness,
Karin 39:40
Choosing happiness, and choosing to go on, and doing things that you've always done or learning new things. You know, just move forward. Don't stay in that loss because when you do it's just going to be misery. Yeah, I remember after John and Max were gone, I remember, we didn't find them for the longest time. They crashed in the ocean off the Oregon coast. They were lost in the ocean. They had divers out and looking for them. My son happened to be one of those rescue divers. There was his team and other teams who were out looking for them. I remember thinking about them lying on the ocean floor. It was not a very pleasant thought. I would change my thoughts to thinking about where they were now. Because I knew that they were in heaven, whatever that means. I don't know what that means. I don't know that any of us truly do. We know that there's another life. Their life doesn't end when we die. There's life beyond life. And I thought about them getting involved in all this new stuff they had to learn in this new place that they were in. Thinking about them that way, as opposed to having them lying somewhere that we didn't know, on the ocean floor was helpful for me. Because I remember thinking, “When I think about them that way, I can always be happy for them.” We’re the ones who are bad off. We are the ones who have to be without them. My grandson even said that. He said, “They're really the lucky ones, aren't they, grandma?”
Tamara Anderson 41:36
Yeah. It's those of us who are left behind who struggle. Yeah. So we have to kind of bring this all around to your happy ending. Tell us about the wonderful man you finally found and married. You're married again, right?
Karin 41:56
I am. I have been married, it’d be 35 years this December. It was four years after I was widowed that I met my husband. We were married four and a half years to the date of the accident. At the time, we thought, “Well, we can probably certainly have…” You think you're old when you're 40 and you're not. We were thinking we could certainly have 25 years, maybe 30 years. My husband is a type one diabetic. So we had that going against us. We thought 30 years for sure. After that we're not sure. And here we are, almost 35 years later. That's pretty amazing. Life has not been without its ups and downs. But it has been a good life. We have blended our families. It has been truly wonderful. I'm so deeply grateful for that second chance of happiness, because I think when he came into my life, that's really when things started to change, a new focus, a new opportunity, and a new time to build a different life.
Tamara Anderson 43:14
It's so encouraging to see that love is possible after a loss.
Karin 43:21
Love is possible after loss.
Tamara Anderson 43:22
That life is possible after loss.
Karin
Life is possible. You really do have to want to have that. You have to want to let go of the other, in a way. For the longest time I hung on, and you know, the memories and the feelings of wanting them back was there for a long time. But I knew that that wasn't going to happen.
Tamara Anderson 43:46
Yeah, no, no, you're right.
Karin 43:48
Not how it works. I knew I had to look forward. I had to move forward. I had to go on, and we all did.
Tamara Anderson 43:57
So it's almost a matter of which way you face. You either face back and continue grieving the loss or you look forward to the future, with hope and with faith. But you have to process the past in order to move forward, right?
Karin 44:19
I think that is very true. Absolutely.
Tamara Anderson 44:22
My goodness. Well, you have just been such a wealth of information. Would you mind telling us a little bit about your book that you just released that talks about this experience, and your journey through the grief and onto the other side?
Karin 44:38
When I had that episode where just days before John also left, you know, when I had the impression that I should write my book, I knew after I heard that, you know, when we knew that John and Max were gone, that I had no choice. I had to write the book. I also knew that perhaps this was another way that the Lord gave me to overcome the grief that I was now having to go through again, this additional loss. For two years, I basically sat in my chair and wrote. It helped so much to write my book. I truly am grateful, even now, as I look back, I'm old. It's all good. The older I get, the closer I come to seeing them all again. What an amazing experience that will be. Life has been good. I'm grateful for the adversity, because of the lessons I've learned, particularly my lesson of the love of our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. They have been with me in the most amazing ways. I know they love us beyond measure, beyond anything we can even comprehend. That is the experience that I've had. And now I'm grateful for that experience.
Tamara Anderson 46:12
So tell us the title of your book, and how it ties into your favorite verse of scripture.
Karin 46:17
The title is, “Be Still,” and it comes from, “Be still and know that I am God.” Because that was part of my experience. Many times, it would, I guess, pass through my soul, my heart, “Be still and know that I'm God.” There was another scripture that, I guess it's Proverbs 3:5-6, where it says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct they paths.” That was a verse that went through my soul that first day, as we sat and waited for my husband and my children to be found. It was going through again, and again. I felt that impression of that scripture. I clung to those words, and I knew that whatever you do, do not let go of your faith. It will take you through this. It has indeed done that very thing.
Tamara Anderson 47:27
So well, you're such a great example of sticking to your faith, even through extreme moments of grief, and sorrow, and sadness. Another thing I noticed, as you were talking about writing the book, is that writing is a good way to help process grief. We talked earlier about how after your husband died, that you ended up processing a lot of the grief by talking to your earthly angels. Interesting how God gave you a different avenue to process the second set of grief when your son died through writing. It seems like we have to process it either verbally or written. But somehow we have to process it.
Karin 48:16
I think if you don't process it, you probably go crazy. I think you do.
Tamara Anderson 48:24
Oh, my goodness. Now, a couple of resources, and then we'll get your contact information before we close. But you mentioned the book by Elisabeth Kubler Ross on the five stages of grief being a good resource for you. Were there any other resources that you found particularly helpful as you processed grief?
Karin 48:47
I remember coming across the book by CS Lewis. Now, he lost his wife, as he was married late in life, and then they weren't married very long, and she passed away from cancer. He wrote the book, “A Grief Observed.” I remember a friend came to my home a week after the accident the first time. She had had an accident and lost two children. She brought me a booklet by a former president of the church, Spencer W. Kimball. That booklet is entitled “Tragedy or Destiny.” Now that book, that little booklet, it's only 11 pages long, was an amazing help to me right from the start because of the things I know. This is a book, of course, that talks about from a standpoint of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But it resonated with me. It helped me tremendously. I think that's the book that probably helped me not to feel anger at God, along with some of the other things that I experienced. To me, he explained, you know, is it a tragedy or a test? It was just an amazing little booklet.
Tamara Anderson 50:16
Oh, those are wonderful resources. We will put those up in the show notes so that people can find copies of those as well. Now, before we close, there will be people out there who will resonate with you and your story, will want to buy your new book. Will you please tell us where we can buy your book, “Be Still,” and how we can connect with you on social media?
Karin 50:41
Okay, and the book is available on Amazon. And also at Barnes and Noble.
Tamara Anderson 50:48
Wonderful. No, that's great. And we can find you on Facebook, right?
Karin 50:54
Yes, I'm on Facebook.
Tamara Anderson 50:56
So on Facebook as Karin Ford. Right. Wonderful. Well, this has been so amazing. Karin, thank you so much for sharing your beautifully worded story of passing through the refiner’s fire and coming out with peace, and being able to be still through some of the most difficult things that I can even imagine. Thank you for your great example and for sharing how you how you made it through with God's help.
Karin 51:31
Well, thank you so much, Tamara. I appreciate it so much, your having me on here. Thank you for that.
Tamara Anderson 51:39
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There, you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on, and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.
You can find the transcription of today's episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/karin-ford-seeking-gratitude-and-happiness-after-2-plane-crash-losses