Jessica Smith: Creating a New Normal with Tourette's & Grief

Jessica wasn’t sure why she started having hiccups when she was a teen, but was finally diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. She shares positive lessons learned from her diagnosis and how she grieved the loss of her brother.

Episode Discussion Points

  • The new book she is writing about a French Countess in the 1800s who had Tourette Syndrome which will be called “Madamn”

  • This is important to Jessica because she was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome in her later teens/early twenties.

  • What her childhood and adulthood looked like as Tourette’s gradually came on with her starting to make noises.

  • “Stop trying to fix me. I’m not broken.”

  • What Tourette Syndrome tics look like and the range—between the echolalia, the swearing, flipping people off or eye blinking. Each person with Tourette’s is unique and different.

  • What it feels like to tic and how sometimes they pop out and other times they build up.

  • The process she went through from being a shy child to being very vocal about Tourette Syndrome.

    • First, recognizing ticking was just a normal bodily function

    • Learn all you can about your diagnosis, and figure out how you can share your uniqueness in our culture—and create new rules for how we deal with different situations (like Tourette’s).

    • The ability to create a new story for herself and how people deal with her with Tourette’s was so empowering.

  • All an awkward situation is, “When we don’t know what the rules are.”

  • “We are beings of creation just like [God] is. And we are also able to create. . . in the world around us.”

  • Jessica has also dealt with the death of several close family members and friends, and has had to learn how to grieve.

  • When Jessica’s brother was murdered in 2019 it was the hardest thing she had ever experienced. She wasn’t handling it very well—and then COVID hit and she had the time she needed to process her grief.

  • She learned to evaluate—is this grief and bitterness serving me? If not, how am I going to change it?

  • Different people are going to go through the grief and healing process differently. But just because they do it differently, doesn’t mean it is right for you.

  • The beauty of being unique is we can each tap into God and ask Him to help us process grief the way that is right for us.

  • Things which helped Jessica heal from grief:

    • journaling

    • prayer: talk to God and ask, “This is my new situation. How do I move forward?” God often then gives or helps us find baby steps to build upon.

    • going to church or other holy places

    • Sometimes God opens doors to healing which you might not traditionally think of but which will help you heal. Be open to those.

    • restorative yoga

    • tapping

    • She started to see God in a lot of metaphysical practices which aren’t traditionally Christian.

  • “This grief thing did open up new pathways and I found God there too.”

  • Be willing to prayerfully keep trying different healing techniques God may guide you to until you feel whole.

  • Each time you try a new technique it like putting different tools in your toolbox which you can then access and use to help you now or later.

  • Be real. Don’t try to paste on a happy face if you’re not feeling that way. Sometimes we get embarrassed by our emotions, but it is good to be real.

  • It is okay to feel grief. It isn’t going to go away magically. You will reach a point where you finish a crying session, and take a breath. Then, the key is to “move forward,” and take baby steps towards your new normal.

  • The idea that destruction is actually part of creation. When something or someone is taken from us, it leaves a space to build, design, grow or create something new—A new normal in who we are becoming.

  • “God sees the potential of who we can become.”

  • Those who pass on are still with us in spirit

Tips for Helping Friends Who Are Grieving

  • Bring in meals, and perhaps ask if there is anything they need specifically

  • Some of the best meals were pre-frozen so they could use it whenever they needed it

  • You don’t have to “say” anything. Just go and cry with them.

  • Show love!

Resources

Connect with Jessica Smith (aka Paula Jean Ferri)

#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #tourettesyndrome #grief #loss #tips #creation #bibleverse

Transcription

Jessica  0:02 

I've heard a phrase, and it's absolutely true and absolutely applicable. But if you've met one person with Tourette Syndrome, you've met one person with Tourette Syndrome because the next person you meet is going to be completely different.

 

Tamara Anderson  0:17 

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.

My guest today is an author who publishes under the pen name of Paula Jean Ferri. She is fascinated by stories in all forms: writing, movies, music, and creating them in her own life. So far, all four of her books have come from personal experiences she has had and she is now writing her first novel. I am pleased to present Jessica Smith. Jessica, are you ready to share your story of hope?

 

Jessica  1:10 

Yes, ma'am.

 

Tamara Anderson  1:11 

Awesome. Well, I am so excited to have you on the show today. One of the questions I thought I'd break the ice with was I am fascinated by your novel that you're writing right now, because I got to get a little sample of it as you were writing it at that author’s retreat this summer. So I'd love for you to tell me a little bit about it, and why it's so important to you.

 

Jessica  1:37 

Absolutely. I'm so excited for this book. It's by far the most exciting thing that I've written. It's based off of a real person, but we don't necessarily know much about her life. She was one of the first people studied and a very core and central case into creating what is now a diagnosis of Tourette syndrome. She wasn't officially diagnosed because it didn't become a thing until a year after her death. She was a Countess in France in the 1800s. It was about a year ago that they even actually found her name. She was always in the medical records as M. Dampierre, but now we actually have a name, and I've been able to find all of this information about her. I mean, her story's just fascinating. Not only was she this woman in a very public position, who couldn't control the words that came out of her mouth, but she also had the swearing form of Tourette’s that people tend to know about a lot because of the media. So she was very, very controversial and quite a figure in her life. It's a shame that more of that wasn't shared in the medical records. She had no children, so her story has been largely untold. So I'm going to do what research I can and fill in the gaps.

 

Tamara Anderson  3:05 

I am so excited for this. It's really, really a fun perspective. Tell us why writing the story about Tourette's is so important to you personally.

 

Jessica  3:17 

For me, because I was actually diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. I have that as well. I call them Paula, hence my pen name. It's kind of my alter ego already. I started making noises at 17. I was diagnosed at 24. Because it was my senior year of college that particular year, I did a bunch of research. Her name came up and just never fully left me. I was always curious and always wanting to know more. So I'm just gonna make it up.

 

Tamara Anderson  3:48 

I think that just sounds fascinating. So it's neat that you've been able to gather the historical details of her life, and now you get to fill in the gaps, right?

 

Jessica  3:58 

Yeah, for sure. It gives me like the best of everything.

 

Tamara Anderson  4:03 

Absolutely, absolutely. So life for you has looked a little different. Why don't you take us back to your teenage years and into your adulthood where Tourette's has been impactful, and what your life looks like because of Tourette's, and how it has given you a compassion for other people.

 

Jessica  4:27 

My life is so completely different. I go home to my little bitty hometown, and people just don't recognize me anymore. In high school I was the shy, quiet kid. If you asked me a direct question, I still wouldn't speak to you. I would nod, or I would shake my head. I was basically mute. I mean, I wasn't, but it took a lot for me to really talk to people and open up to people because I was just so, so shy. But once I started making these noises, I had to start explaining. “Oh, I think it was a hiccup.” Like I didn't really know what it was. They sounded like hiccups at first. I kind of grew in to my Tourette's, which was kind of nice. They started off kind of mild and they have changed and evolved over time. But the biggest thing was that it allowed me to start connecting with other people.

Some doctors, not all, will place Tourette Syndrome on the Autism spectrum. The more I looked into it, the more I researched it, the more I realized, “Oh, that explains so much about my childhood and why I was just such a weird kid.” But at the same time, I'm so high functioning, that it would have been something that was completely unseen. just didn't understand other people. That's part of why I was such a reader. As a kid, I devoured books. I was grounded for an entire summer because I read way too much. It wasn't the Harry Potter series, but it was a series about the size of Harry Potter. I read all of them, from beginning of May to end of June, meaning I was technically still in school. My parents got a little concerned and I was grounded. They're like, “That was your summer reading list. You're done.” Oh, okay.

But having Tourette's, it made me start talking to people. I was able to kind of figure out the social aspects of life. I wasn't suddenly so shy because I started to understand these cultural rules and expectations that I just didn't see. There were so many things that have just really changed so much about me. The fact that, before I was diagnosed, I mean, there was a seven year gap where I was undiagnosed, and I just made these noises. At first, like I mentioned, I thought they were hiccups. So people were like, “Oh, did you try to do water upside down? Did you try…?” You know, all of these hiccup cures. When I told them, “Oh, they’re not hiccups,” they got confused. They're like, “Well, but have you tried this? And have you tried this?” It was actually kind of a good self-esteem booster, because I have this little fire streak in me somewhere. Part of me is just like, “Stop trying to fix me. I'm not broken.” But having to vocalize that, I started to like, become more accepting of myself in general, because I was very insecure. But all of a sudden to say, “I'm not broken. I'm okay,” really helped me to internalize that. Then I got some really big “Ah has” once I made it to college and was actually able to study this in depth. My senior year of college, I did a senior research paper on Tourette Syndrome and how it affects communication. Blew my mind completely. Opened up a whole new world. That was a big turning point for me in my life.

 

Tamara Anderson  8:05 

Wow. Wow. So a lot of times with Tourette Syndrome, you have some kind of a tic. Would you mind explaining what a tic is, and how it sometimes presents itself, and how you feel when you need to tic, just so that people kind of get a general idea of what it's like?

 

Jessica  8:26 

Yeah, for sure. So Tourette's actually has four qualifying features. It's not just the presence of tics, but there has to be both a vocal tic and a physical tic. So there has to be something vocal that is uncontrollable. Sometimes that can be as subtle as clearing your throat. Or it might be like me, where I have this opera diva, that'll just let out this high pitched, beautiful vibrato type of a thing. So it has this huge range. Then, again, with the vocal tics, you have that swearing form, which is called coprolalia. I actually have a form of vocal tics called echolalia, where I repeat sounds that I hear often. I picked up the opera diva tic when I was studying music in college before I switched over to communications. So I heard it, it came out. I've done that with time clocks. I've done that with various animal noises. I repeat things, but that's why they kind of sounded like hiccups at first. I hear hiccups, I sound like hiccups. That's called echolalia.

There's also the physical forms of tics which, again, which is copropaxia where you might flip people off or make very inappropriate gestures, and touch people when they don't want to be touched. There's echopraxia, where you imitate different movements that people are doing around you. But again, they can be as subtle as an eye blinking tic where you just blink your eyes pretty excessively. Most people might not know that. I've seen some as extreme as a poor girl who would grab her own throat and strangle herself, or people that will just randomly spin in circles as they're walking, or fall to the floor. It looks a lot like demon possession. There are actually still some people who think that Tourette's is actually not a thing, and that we're actually just possessed by demons. But it's not true. I'm not possessed.

 

Tamara Anderson  10:29 

Yeah, no. I've seen it in different formats, too. Maybe it's just a head twitch. I think that's the key thing to point out here, is that Tourette’s manifests itself differently in different people.

 

Jessica  10:46 

I've heard a phrase, and it's absolutely true and absolutely applicable. But if you've met one person with Tourette Syndrome, you've met one person with Tourette Syndrome, because the next person you meet is going to be completely different. I mean, that's why some doctors will say, “Yes, it's on the Autism spectrum,” while others will say, “No, it's not.” Because even something as subtle as that can vary so much from individual to individual.

 

Tamara Anderson  11:10 

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. So what does it feel like when you have to tic? Do you feel like it coming on? Or does it just happen?

 

Jessica  11:21 

A little bit of both. There are some times where it'll just like pop out with no warning. And I was like, “Oh, there it is.” I mean, that's definitely how it started. It was just this little squeak that popped out of my mouth, I'm just like, “Oh, forgive me, I think that was a hiccup.” That was the closest, like, connection that I could figure, when I first started doing this. They just kind of pop out. There are some times where I might be able to feel it coming where I can kind of feel, especially the physical tics. I've got a shoulder twitch where my shoulder will jerk forward. I do have, like, the eye blinking tick, where my eyes will just kind of itch. So you'll find me, like, rubbing my eyes a lot because I need to get rid of that feeling. I could do that either by rubbing them or by the excessive blinking.

 

Tamara Anderson  12:10 

That is so interesting. So coming from a being a shy child, you know, and kind of scared to talk to people at all, how were you able to process that and become okay with, “This is who I am?” Obviously, you're very vocal about Tourette's now. I think that is awesome, that you've just embraced it, “This is me,” right? How were you able to kind of go through that process to where you went from being shy to, “Here I am.”

 

Jessica  12:46 

It was definitely a process. It's something that took me several years. I mean, it started with, like I mentioned before, with people trying to cure or fix me, and me saying, “I'm not broken.” Because I'm not. I mean, in my mind, everyone has hiccups at some point or another. Everyone will cough or sneeze. We have normal bodily functions that we just can't always control. I compare Tourette's very often to coughs. I mean, you can feel a cough coming, and you can hold it back for a little bit. There are people who will try and suppress their tics until they're away from the public eye. I don't, because just like coughing, when you hold it back, you're going to cough up a lung. When you pull back your tics, you're gonna have what's called a tic attack where it's amplified and so much worse and uncontrollable. Like some people have full on convulsions on the floor, just twitching. It's not necessarily that bad for me, per se, but it's definitely worse if I were to try and hold them back, which is why I don't. I just let them happen. Because again, it was just a normal bodily function to me. So that was like the first part of the journey is recognizing it's a normal bodily function, because I had nothing else to compare it to, and to recognize that I'm not broken.

Then again, coming back to this college paper that was so core, and so central, like I learned so much. So my degree wasn't actually communications. My emphasis was communications. What I studied was international cultural studies, and I studied people, and why we do the things that we do, and the effect that culture has on us, and the effect of these stories. Because that's really all it is. We have all of these unspoken rules that created our culture. They help us to facilitate, and to move, and interact with one another. It does, in a way, simplify things. Like these rules were created for a reason, for a purpose. But at the same time, these rules are man-made, meaning they can be changed. These rules aren't set in stone, it's not something that has to be, and understanding this concept of culture, and the role that Tourette Syndrome plays within culture. Because what it does, is it presents an awkward situation. All an awkward situation is, is when we don't know what the rules are. That's especially hard as children. We don't care about awkward situations, because we're still learning all the rules. We have this, like, free pass, right? As adults, we're like, “I should know this rule. Why don't I know this rule? Someone teach me the rule.” Like we look around trying to figure out, “Okay, who knows the rule so that I can follow?” It’s like an unspoken rule, we don't necessarily know about these social niceties all the time, especially if it's something you haven't encountered.

So understanding that, all that does, is put me in a position where I know what's happening. I know that I can then create those rules that happen around us if there's not already a situation in play that I'm okay with. There are people who will think, “Oh, hey, are you okay?” Because I've got a gasping tic. So I'll just, like, gasp every once in a while. “Oh, are you okay?” That rule is ok. I'll roll with that. If it's not, I'll say, “Oh, excuse me, I've got Tourette syndrome. Have you heard of it?” And I'll explain it. Sometimes, just because I find people fascinating, I’ll just watch what they do and watch it play out. But at any point in time, I have the power to jump in and create a new rule for culture around me and to create a new story, not just in my life, but for the people that I interact with, which was so empowering.

 

Tamara Anderson  16:52 

I bet. I bet. It's cool that you were able to study this from such deep perspective. I think with any diagnosis, it is so important to learn about it. That's what it sounds like you did. Because we fear the things we don't understand. That's kind of a general culture rule, right? So the more we learn about it, the more we can then teach others about it in a way that is simple and easy. I love how you just gave the example of, “Oh, sorry, I have Tourette's. Have you heard of it?” Then you're educating others. That is an empowering position to be in. It's not a, “I'm going to go hide in the corner because I have Tourette's.” I have Tourette's and let me tell you about it. Because this is how I function in society. I think, because you have been open about it, the next time that person meets somebody with Tourette’s, they’ll go, “I remember I met Jessica and she has Tourette's. She totally explained it to me.” So I meet this other person, “Oh, they have Tourette's too.” And because you are so open about it, hopefully they will be much more understanding as they meet, you know, a second, or third, or 20th person with Tourette's.

 

Jessica  18:08 

That's definitely the goal. Yeah.

 

Tamara Anderson  18:11 

It's awesome. I think just that pattern of, you know, once you get a diagnosis, learning about it, and then teaching others so that we're incorporating it, as you say, into what a cultural norm is. Hey, we can totally accept these people. They're just like you and me. They just have these little things that they do, and it's okay.

 

Jessica  18:35 

Right, for sure. That's just the fun thing about it. Like the fact that culture is manmade and seeing, again, what an empowering effect I have with, and it's not just me, it's everyone. We all have this capability to have that kind of an impact. We create this story that we're living in. That story is what affects, and shapes, and creates, and changes the culture around us. Is this rule serving me or hindering me? There are some rules that yeah, that's okay to keep in place. There's a reason. It does help us to function so that we don't have to start from complete scratch. Every time we meet someone, we kind of have a general idea of how to interact with other people. But if it's not serving me, what's the point of keeping it? That's kind of the beauty of it, is, you know, God has shaped this plan, that we're able to shape, and create, and mold ourselves. Like, we are beings of creation, just like He is. We are also able to create. Maybe not on the scale that He has created, yet, but look at the creation that we can do, not only with our physical hands, but in the world around us.

 

Tamara Anderson  19:56 

I love that you tied in that we have that seed of creation in us, because God is our father. He is going to give us certain gifts and talents. For you, one of those gifts of creation is now speaking to others about who you are and what you do. Another is writing. So it's neat that you've been able to find these gifts and talents and then express all these amazing concepts that you write about. So this is exciting.

Why don't we segue a little bit here into… You have had a challenging life in other ways as well. You have dealt with a lot of death of loved ones. Yes. And so I thought it would be interesting to have you talked about, not only Obviously, we've talked about threats, but how you've been able to process death and grief and how God has helped you get through that.

 

Jessica  21:07 

It's kind of cool to see how, I mean, all of this stuff with Tourette's happened when I was fairly young. I mean, 17 to 24. And now I’m 35. So that was obviously a while ago. While there had been death in my family a little bit before that, they got more challenging as I got older. At this point, I've now lost two of my four grandparents, I've lost three out of four siblings, I have lost multiple friends, at very young ages, with tragic ends. I think, my very first experience with death, I was actually in kindergarten. It was the first day of kindergarten. A couple of kids were just so excited to go to school that they ran out in front of the school bus. The first day of kindergarten, one of the little girls died, and another kid broke his leg, because they were just so excited. From a very young age, I've been very well acquainted with death.

At the same time, as I got older, I started to recognize how the things that I learned with Tourette Syndrome actually do also help with grief. Because of the confidence that I found with Tourette Syndrome, I started taking this “bull in a china shop” approach to life. I’m just kind of like, “Okay, here I am. This is what we're gonna do. What rules are we gonna follow?” I don't know. I make a lot of mistakes, but it's allowed me to take time to stop and, and look at, “Okay, this is my situation. These are the rules that are in place. These are the ones that, this isn't helping me.” If all I'm going to do is be angry and bitter about it, I can recognize that this isn't something that's going to serve me. In December of 2019, I lost my third of those three siblings. My brother was murdered. With murder, of course, there's going to be a trial and a court case. But I was able to sit and say, “You know what, there's no way that's going to serve me. I don't want to be involved. I don't have to be involved.” Whereas, other people, like for them, my mom and dad both sat down and said, “No, I think I need to do this.” And that was part of their healing process. But it's not part of mine. Just because my parents are involved doesn't mean that I have to be. I was able to separate myself from that, and take my healing journey where it needed to go.

But recognizing that every individual's path is so different, again, pulling in ideas from the Tourette Syndrome, where everybody's case is so different, I'm able to have that connection with God, and talk with Him, and say, “Okay, I don't like this. What do I do?” There was an entire month where I just tried anything and everything that would potentially take the pain away because it just hurt so much. I mean, even with my other two siblings, one had been a miscarriage. So I've never actually met the child. One was a half-sister that I had met once in my entire life, because her mom had taken her clear across the country. And while it still hurt, because they are my siblings, and I loved them, it wasn't quite as impactful as the one that I'd grown up with, you know, and had all of these memories with, and it was just different. It was harder. It was the hardest thing I've ever probably experienced, I think. But it did allow me that time to slow down and luckily, luckily, God shut the world out for me because I just couldn't handle it. So COVID hit people and I didn't have to go to work. I could just take the time to focus on me.

 

Tamara Anderson  25:00 

We're gonna take a quick break. But when we get back, we're gonna have Jessica share some tips of things that were really helpful for her to help her process her grief, things that you and I can use as well. Stay tuned.

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So what did that healing look like? I love that you say that you were able to talk to God and have Him help you through that. But what you obviously felt was a whole bunch of pain. Did you talk to Him about that? I mean, what did that look like? Did you journal about it? What helped you process the grief, so that you were then able to finally come around to healing? What things did you do that helped you when you were grieving?

 

Jessica  27:08 

Like I said, a little bit of anything and everything, because I'm willing to take this “bull in a china shop” approach, and try new things, and not be afraid of looking foolish. I tried things that I might not have been willing to try before. But I've never experienced that amount of pain before. So like, journaling is, obviously, as a writer, a huge aspect that has done so much for me in a lot of trauma that I've dealt with, not just in regards to death, but other traumas that I've dealt with as well. Then prayers, obviously, also a huge impact. When I go to my church, when I go to the temple, these were huge things. But because I'd always had such a Christian upbringing, there are things that just kind of seemed too weird and too out there. But because I was willing to try these new things, I was willing able to see that God is in a lot more than I thought, initially. So the first thing I tried was this thing called restorative yoga. Which I mean, there's nothing against yoga in church practices or anything, but it was just something I hadn't experienced. But I tried something. I tried that. It did actually help. Like there was one session I just was in tears, bawling. Unable to let go of a lot of that grief. I tried something called tapping, which, you know, again, from a Christian perspective might sound kind of crazy. But I started to see God in more of these metaphysical practices that aren't traditionally Christian. You know, I started opening up to new ideas, and I found God and I found healing. So I feel like I've just been able to open up an experience so much more as a result of that grief.

 

Tamara Anderson  28:58 

Yeah, I can see that. And I think I think it's interesting, often, we end up looking for different answers when what we're doing right now isn't working. I think that's something I also found during COVID, when I was, you know, after being at home for so long with. my family has gone a little crazy, you know, and so I had to find some new relaxation techniques for me, because what I had used up to that point wasn't working anymore. I had to find some other things that would relieve stress, and anxiety, and stuff like that. I think that's probably a really good principle to learn is that if you're going to God and saying, “Please help me, I don't know what else to do,” then sometimes you have to be open when He opens a door to you. We're like, “Well, that's dumb. Why would I do that?”

 

Jessica  29:51 

Right? Like, who would have thought that I would suddenly be a person who's involved with crystals, and energy healing, and chakras and I'm just like, “Wait, it all comes from, like, but it all kind of comes back to you.” This grief thing did open up new pathways, and I found God there too. It just expanded my view of God, it expanded my view of the world around me. I'm a better person for it, as hard as it is. As much as I would not want to do that again, I mean, it happened. And at that point, I either have the choice to sit in that grief, and wallow, and become a victim, or I could say, “Okay, this is my new situation. How do I move forward?”

 

Tamara Anderson  30:34 

Yeah. Do you feel that God was with you every step of the way? Like, here's the next step. Here's the next step. Or did He give you, like, the end picture? Like, “You are going to be happy again someday, and here's 50 things you have to do.” What did that look like for you?

 

Jessica  30:51 

I mean, it was just kind of more of a step-by-step process. One of the things that I did was I attended… Tamara, you're the one that actually introduced it to me. I saw a post that you had made about an event that Richard Paul Evans was going to do. I'm just like, “Richard Paul Evans, I'm in love.” I didn't even know what but it was in that searching for something, anything. I knew from experience that at some point, I would be happy again. Because I had obviously dealt with death so much already. It was more just kind of a step-by-step process. And I had to kind of find, like, “I go here. Nope, that didn't work. I go here. Nope, that didn't work.” But at this event that Rick did, that you had invited me to, it was something that connected me to people that I needed. Like, there was actually a lot of healing in that event, for me, in and of itself. But this event was kind of a doorway to open, meet new people. And these people had had experiences in these things and told me, “Okay, this has helped me with grief in this way.” So I was willing to try it, because anything to take that pain away. I'm like, “Oh, yeah, that's actually really cool. I do like that.” Then they introduced me to another person. One of those people that I met, Taylor had me speak at a retreat. At her retreat, I found someone who helped me get into. It was just like this chain of events. There's so many different chains headed out so many different directions that it's hard to, like, keep track of them specifically.

 

Tamara Anderson  32:24 

Right? So the key then was just taking it one step at a time. Trying different things, and just because one thing didn't work, not giving up. Trial and error, right? That worked last time, but this time, it didn't work, so I need to find something else.

 

Jessica  32:45 

I think the key was that I was still searching because it helps it ease that pain just a little bit, but then I could find the next thing that would help me just a little bit. Just because you find something that helps doesn't mean that's the be all, end all. I found so many things, and I feel like I suddenly have all of these tools in a toolkit. I'm not running around with a hammer saying, “How do I fix things with just this one tool? Who's gonna fix it?” But I also have access to, I mean, my dad's a mechanic, so you know, I could list off all of these random tools, but I've got screwdrivers, and wrenches, and all of the different sizes that I need for different sizes of experiences that I have.

 

Tamara Anderson  33:29 

I've always loved the comparison of a tool belt, or toolbox just because, as we go through life, we're gonna pick up different tips and different tricks. Sometimes we'll be going along and we'll have a situation, like, your closest brother passed away, and I don't have a tool for this, right? So I know I need more. So I think God wants us to keep learning, and growing, and having experiences, and the key is staying connected to him so that He guides you to take, okay, what's the next right step? If this isn't the thing that's gonna fix it, you know, what's the next right step? Just hanging in there with God. You mentioned, at one point, when you were chatting there, about making the choice between being bitter. You could stay bitter, or you could get back to being your happy self. So my question is, how were you able to make that decision, especially when you were feeling so down? How do you keep a happy perspective when life has been challenging and hard? Because sometimes that's hard to do. It's hard to paste on the happy face when we don't feel very happy. What advice do you have for us and with regards to that?

 

Jessica  34:58 

Don’t paste on the happy face. First of all, if I'm pissed, you're gonna know that I'm pissed. I'm going to be like a bawling, hot mess. I have this no shame concept, again, because of my Tourette Syndrome. Like, I've already barked in business meetings and screamed in the middle of church functions. I've already learned how to deal with “embarrassment,” but that's part of the problem is that sometimes we get embarrassed by our emotions. We get embarrassed that we're still grieving. It's been almost two years. I'm still grieving, I'm obviously a lot better at it, but my throat still chokes up when I talk about my brother. I don't know if you could hear it when I was talking about it, but I was definitely trying to keep talking, despite the fact that tears were starting to form. While they didn't actually form, I do allow myself to still feel that grief because it is so hard. It's not something that's going to go away. I'm going to miss my brother for the rest of my life until I get to see him again, in the hereafter. That's just the hardest part of it. It's something that you learn to still somehow move forward with, instead of sitting in that grief. Like, I will feel that grace. If you're having a crying session, you only have so many tears, and you can only cry so much. But then at that point, you're kind of done. You'd say, “Okay, now what? I don't want to sit here and like, start myself crying again.” You kind of have that breath in that moment of pause, where God's able to jump in and say, “It's okay.” You know, like, you've had that emotion. And I'm, like, trying not to cry now. But I'll probably go cry after this.

 

Tamara Anderson  37:05 

Sorry. I think you've given us some really good points in there. The first we were talking about, how to not stay in the bitter part of it, but to transition into what's next. How do I get back to my normal, happy self? I think the thing that I was able to pull out of that was, be where you are. Don't be embarrassed for where you are. If you're feeling sad, then you're sad. Allow yourself to feel sad. Process that, but then it reaches a point where you take a breath. Okay, what's next? What's the next step up and out of this pit of grief that I'm stuck in? Because God, as you've been talking, gives us those steps, just one at a time. Okay, now try this. Now do this. And it's that line upon line principle that we hear in the Bible. It's just baby stepping our way through different situations in life. He's with us through all of it, right?

 

Jessica  38:15 

Absolutely.

 

Tamara Anderson  38:17 

Are there any other thoughts that you have about transitioning back towards normal life, and being able to truly feel happy again?

 

Jessica  38:28 

I kind of like that you brought up this concept of normal life, especially given your book, “Normal for Me,” because I mean, what was normal before is obviously not going to be your normal going forward. My normal, before, involves two living siblings, and I now only have one living sibling. My normal has obviously changed. That, again, kind of ties back to those concepts of Tourette Syndrome, how these rules don't fit anymore. We have to make new rules. It's okay to make those new rules. It's hard, but understand that we still have to create something new. I've studied a lot about creativity as of late. One of my favorite things that I've learned about creativity is actually how everything is an act of creation, even destruction. If you destroy a building, and watch that building come down, you think, “Well, that's the opposite of creation, right?” But no, it's actually still an act of creation, because you suddenly have created space, and there is suddenly space where you can now build something new. Maybe you didn't want a skyscraper there, so the building came down and you build a quaint little country cottage. Maybe instead you want a palace. Maybe instead you want to build, you have space, you know. As we go along and we gain those tools and those resources, we can then build something new, and something better, and create something that's much more fitting for who we are, and who we want to become, and who God sees we have the potential to become. But even destruction, even the loss of my brother, I created a space for me to heal, and for me to grow, and to become a better person.

 

Tamara Anderson  40:19 

Wow. That is so beautiful and so deep. I think I'm still processing.

 

Jessica  40:25 

Right? It took me a minute. There's actually a children's book that kind of helped me grasp this concept a lot. It's called “The Book About Nothing.” I can't remember who it's by. But it’s a cute little children's book, you know, little illustrated, like 10 pages, or something like that. Talking about how even nothing is something.

 

Tamara Anderson  40:47 

Oh, that's beautiful. Sometimes we each learn differently. So some of us are going to learn more visually than others. Some of us are going to learn by listening and, you know, others by doing. I think it's really neat, this concept of maybe destroying things to create a new and better. So I was just thinking how, like repentance, that is how we're getting rid of something that that no longer is serving us and building something better, so that we can improve and become a better us. But it's not always that we're getting rid of something bad. Sometimes good things happen and life changes, right? It's someone we love that are no longer with us, at least physically. So it's learning to adapt to those changes and create. I love that you say, “I can create this new normal of what life is going to look like now, with the detours that I've had along this path. It's not what I expected, nor what I wanted.

 

Jessica  42:05 

But, hey, it still turned out kind of cool anyways.

 

Tamara Anderson  42:10 

Yeah. Do you feel that these experiences that you've had have helped you become a more empathetic person and a better author?

 

Jessica  42:21 

Yes, definitely. One example, having lost my brother, and that being a recent circumstance, as I was doing research on this woman with Tourette Syndrome, she actually also lost a sister. She had one biological sister where they had the same mother, same father, her father passed away when she was like six months old. Then her mother remarried, and she had a few more stepsiblings. But because the father was the one with the castle, with the money there, that inheritance went to these two girls. She was actually the younger of the two. She lost her older sister, that was probably someone who protected her. Like, I would imagine that sister relationship was super close. So that was actually one of the first scenes that I wrote, because I knew that that would impact her, you know. There was no way that that couldn't impact her, because I knew, from my experience, and it was a very hard thing to write actually. Because it does pull up a lot of my own emotions.

Pulling that emotion kind of up and out of me so that it's not something that's weighing me down, and putting that on paper, and allowing you to, you know, again, cry, and again, let that out so that it's not something that's physically just like, tensing up my body, was a healing process for me, and something that I can write more effectively. Like, if I tried to write that scene, without having lost a sibling, I could maybe come close, but I might not fully understand and be able to express that and someone who had might catch on to that, “Oh, she doesn't know what she's talking about.” It's gonna dampen that ability to write. It's funny how it brings up so many little details that you just wouldn't think about. It was funny because being a member of the church, when we lost my brother, people of course brought meals to us because we could not function at a normal level. I've never been able to not, like, I couldn't even drive myself home. I lived up in Salt Lake and my family is in Las Vegas. About halfway through, I'm just like, “I can't drive anymore. I know how to drive but I just physically can't drive.” It's not even like a taxing thing. But I couldn't do it. I had an aunt and uncle that had to come pick me up and take me home.

But in receiving all of these meals, there was a lot of chicken. It was just kind of funny because like, note to self, like, “Beggars can't be choosers.” We were very, very grateful, like, don't get us wrong. But at the same time, we're just like, kind of want some beef. Note to self, when we're taking meals to people, everybody brings chicken. So I know to do stuff like that. I know how much food is going to come. Some of the best meals we got were actually already frozen. We could just defrost it whenever we needed it. Like, that was brilliant. Never thought to do that. So it helps me to care for others, because I see, you know, that was actually a really good thing. I enjoyed that. Or, you know, that didn't really help much. Don't say those things, because hearing them as a person… I can't even think of some of those phrases, because it has been a couple of years, but there were some phrases that didn't help. The thing that was most helpful was when people just cried with us. You don't have to say anything. We feel this pressure. There's this cultural expectation that, “Oh, I have to say something.” No, no, you don't. We don't want to talk. You know, there are a lot of little things like that, that just help us to interact more with other people who are in the same circumstance. I feel like I'm better at helping others through grief because I've been there.

 

Tamara Anderson  46:24 

That is a hard lesson to learn. But at the same time, it is a good lesson to learn. Do you know what I mean?

 

Jessica  46:32 

And now you guys know without having to experience it. Bring beef, bring freezer meals, don't say anything.

 

Tamara Anderson  46:39 

But love. I love that you brought up one of the ways that God blessed you through that time was through other people. The more we kind of get, we're starting to sort of back our way out of COVID, it feels, a little bit. I know we're not done with it yet. But the more I look back on it, I think the thing that I noticed I missed the most was that personal interaction with people. There's just no substitute for that. It made me realize how much we really need each other. I just don't think God meant for us to live life isolated, and by ourselves, that we truly need other people. I hear that in your story of your grief, how you were able to call and your aunt and uncle were there to help you, and how people came in and brought in meals, and how people just came and cried with you. I think part of God's way of helping us when we're in a tough situation is through the ministering of earthly angels all around us, right? Absolutely. This has been amazing, seriously. Are there any other lessons or things that you have learned through, either Tourette's or through grief, that you would like to share before we close?

 

Jessica  48:06 

One more thing that came to mind was, how close they still really are. There were a lot of times where I can, I could still hear my brother. My brother hadn't been active in church for a very, very long time, so you'll have to pardon my language because I want to use his verbiage, not mine. But there was one point where I needed a belt. I was getting ready to head back up to Salt Lake, so I grabbed one of his, because I wanted something, I wanted some piece of my brother that I could take with me, and I needed a belt. So I grabbed a belt, and all of a sudden I heard this in his voice, clear as day, as if he was standing next to me, “Why the hell is everyone taking my stuff?” And I busted out in like, laughing tears. But to know that he's still so close. There's been several times since that I've been able to hear him, because you're right. There's no way I could do it alone. It required me being willing and open. It required God's putting people in my life and being there just when I needed Him and Him alone. But it also required my brother, and I needed my brother to heal, and he was there. That was a huge part of it. I know that that's not a common circumstance, you know, not everyone's able to hear, or see, or feel to that extent. But whether you can or you can just know they're there, they're definitely there.

 

Tamara Anderson  49:41 

That is so beautiful. Are there any Bible verses that you'd like to share that became particularly meaningful to you as you were dealing with either Tourette's or with the death of your brother?

 

Jessica  49:52 

So we haven't talked so much about specifically how my brother was murdered. Still a little tender, still a little emotional, obviously. He died saving a woman's life and her two little girls. So the verse that always comes to mind when I think of him is, “Greater love hath no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends.” Because while my brother wasn't super active in church and in religion, he was still very close to God in his own way, even if he didn't necessarily recognize it. He was still very moral and a good man. And that's what he did. He gave up his life, just the way the Savior did. That love. I keep coming back to the concept of, “no man is an island.” You can't do it alone. If Travis hadn't died, how many others would have? How differently would that circumstance come about? How bad would it have been? At one point we learned that the woman that killed him had a knife to one of the little girl's throats and said, “Do you see what your mom is making me do?” And who knows where things would have gone if Travis hadn't stepped in. I mean, that poor little girl is already going to be so traumatized from that experience, but at least she made it out and is hopefully able to find some healing and some peace. Which also brings a little bit of hope, is that he not only saved their lives, but he hopefully was able to impact them and make their lives better.

 

Tamara Anderson  51:40 

Wow, that is that is quite a verse. I'm over here crying too. My goodness. Before we close, would you mind telling us a little bit about where people can find you and contact you online?

 

Jessica  51:59 

So part of the reason I chose a pen name is because Jessica Smith just isn't searchable online. I did some research before picking a pen name. If you were to type in Paula Jean Ferri, I am what pops up. I’ve got like the first three pages of Google before you start seeing other combinations of Paula Jean or Paula Ferri with other names tossed in. So paulajeanferri.com is where you'll find kind of every central aspect of me and what I do as an author, and with creativity, because I do a lot of other things as well. So that's kind of my central hub. But all of my social media, my handle is usually jesssqueaks, three S’s cuz I'm weird. But that's where my social media platforms are. But again, Paula Jean Ferri pops up.

 

Tamara Anderson  52:51 

That is awesome. Well, Jessica, this has been absolutely amazing. I'm very thankful that you've been willing and able to share with us, not only a little bit about Tourette's, and what that looks like, so that we can have more love, and understanding, and compassion towards those we meet who are struggling with this, but also how to deal with grief, and for being so open. I think that is what makes us feel like people get us is when somebody is willing to dive deep and share a part of their heart. I love that you've been able to do that, not only verbally in the podcast today, but I love that you have been able to incorporate this into your upcoming book. You’ll have to keep us posted on that, or you can find information on Jessica's website, paulajeanferri.com. Tell us the name of your upcoming book, because I think this is awesome and hilarious.

 

Jessica  53:55 

All right, I'm so excited about this. I didn't come up with it. A friend of mine did, but I'm like, “I'm gonna steal that. I'm actually gonna use that,” and she said okay. But it's called Madamn. Because she had the swearing form of Tourette’s.

 

Tamara Anderson  54:11 

We'll look forward to that book when you're finished writing it. So thank you so much for coming on the show today. It's been an honor.

Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or a quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on and the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.

 

 

You can find the transcription of today's episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/jessica-smith-creating-a-new-normal-with-tourettes-grief

Tamara Andersongrief, Disabilities, Physical Health, faith